Mailbag: Will Getting Married Turn Me Into A Pussy?

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We’re just gonna get into it. No frills. It’s Monday and I don’t feel like fucking around. You people have problems that need to be solved, and who am I to deny you? This here is internet advice, which is better than your drunk uncle’s advice but worse than playing a “guess my weight” game at a carnival.

Hey Bri,

I figured I’d reach out for internet advice since this is 100% anonymous and my girlfriend will never find out that I sought advice from a complete stranger on the internet. Things are getting pretty serious between the two of us. The gf brought up marriage over the holidays and I freaked out. Now it’s all she can talk about when we’re together. We’ve been together for three years and I wanted to wait until spring to pop the question, but now I’m having second thoughts. I see all the guys my age who have gotten married and they end up turning into shells of their former selves. It’s pathetic. Am I going to turn into one of these guys? Is my maybe-wife-to-be going to cut my balls off and stick them in a jar ’til kingdom come? I’m scared, Bri. Really scared.

Tony

Alright, Tony. I’ll play ball here. My thoughts on monogamy and marriage are well documented. I’m not exactly an expert, but I am the proud owner and operator of a real life girlfriend, and I have successfully navigated myself through the troubled waters of young romance on multiple occasions. I am qualified to answer your question.

I’ll go with the TL;DR version first.

No. Getting married does not turn you into a pussy. You turn yourself into a pussy. I know plenty of guys who are still awesome despite being bound by the holy bonds of matrimony.

I’ll tell you what does turn you into a pussy, though: becoming a guy who absolutely stops at nothing to keep his woman not upset. Notice how I didn’t say happy. The “happy wife, happy life” mantra is the truest cliché of all the clichés. Don’t confuse this as “your wife is always right,” because she isn’t. It’s humanly impossible for someone to be correct 100 percent of the time. Even Ted Williams struck out every now and then. Simply agreeing with someone to make sure she doesn’t get upset is what turns you into a pussy. You have to pick your battles.

I’m sure someday I’ll look back on this and have a good laugh to myself as I sit in my car alone, eating a Baconator at 10 p.m. just so I could get away from my wife and kids and have some damn peace and quiet for once.

Of course, it’s important to keep your main piece happy. The best way to do this is by not being an unbearable asshole to her and to have a team-first mentality while maintaining a certain shred of independence so you can remain steadfast in your stance on issues that are worth fighting for.

Look the fuck out, Dr. Phil. I’m coming for you.

OH LOOK, a bonus email!

McGannon,

Can I have a job? I don’t care. I’ll do anything. I’ll even be your human chair. The reason I’m asking is I hate my job. I mean I really hate my fucking job. I don’t hate it like most people hate their own job. I hate it in the way that I hate celebrity parody Twitter accounts and TBS original programming. I’ve had this job for two years and it pays well. Really well. Unfortunately, I cannot stand my two bosses and I don’t know how much farther I can advance in the company. I’m also pretty sure we do really evil shit. Like truly evil, Alex Jones-and-Jesse Ventura-should-investigate-us kinds of evil. At least half of our clients are from Saudi Arabia and there’s a gigantic board room in our building that no one is allowed to go into. I don’t know what to do. I think if I quit, I’ll get murdered by some sort of hired gun or “accidentally” shoved off of a bridge. I’ve learned things about the world here that I wish I could unlearn. Pretty sure our company wiped out an African village to build an oil pipeline. Yeah, it sounds exactly like the plot to “Shooter” starring Mark Wahlberg, but I assure you, it’s all true. We have a ton of military contracts and I am 82% sure I’m working for Virtucon.

So, if I do in fact quit, what’s the plan of action? Do I just go about my business, or do I take a more extreme plan of action?

This is a STRONG email: references to Jesse Ventura, Austin Powers, and the most underrated Mark Wahlberg movie ever. Damn. I was salivating when I got this email. This is a dream mailbag email. Might rename this column the “Dreambag.”

Alright, onto the questions. No, you can’t have a job. You have strong writing skills — check. However, I do not want you bringing this kind of baggage with you. I’m not trying to get tied up in a missing person case.

As far as quitting your job, I say go for it. You have the extremely rare opportunity of absolutely ghosting on the world we know. You could go completely off the grid, but you’d have to be cool with leaving the US of A behind. I love America, but I’d be lying to you if I said that I’ve never dreamed about just leaving everything behind and moving to Sweden or Denmark or fucking Argentina. I’m not saying I would, but I’ve definitely thought about it. Just go be the beloved village gringo in a mid-sized South American village. Maybe take a local wife and make beautiful mixed children that would make Nicole Scherzinger look like Susan Boyle. I mean, think about that. People love to say that they hate Americans, but I don’t think they really do. This is coming from a guy who’s been to Canada. They love us up there.

For me, you gotta go for it. If you’re cool with possibly never seeing your family or friends ever again, you have a unique opportunity in front of you. I say go for it. Move to Mother Svea and reap the rewards.

Godspeed. Sorry I couldn’t get you a job here..

If you have a question, shoot it over to me: brian@grandex.co. Put “MAILBAG” in the title and I’ll answer your questions to the best of my abilities. Fair warning: it will probably just end with me recommending that you flee the country.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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