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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Hey Dillon,
Hoping to get your advice and advice of fellow PGP’ers. What, if anything, is a good way to convince a friend that he/she is dating the wrong person and the cycle of breaking up/making up must end? Is there anything that can be done, or is this a realization that one has to come to completely on their own?
Short backstory is that my roommate, who is also my friend of 10+ years, has been dating this guy whom she’s convinced is “the one” but he’s actually “the worst.” All of the typical stuff: controlling, manipulative, outright mean, forces her to be isolated from her friends, accuses her of cheating (even though she hardly ever leaves his sight), forces her to share her location on iPhone, etc. He redeems himself from time to time by doing something nice, but the bad largely outweighs the good.
I would normally just do my best to ignore all of this but, since it’s my roommate, it’s challenging to pretend it’s not happening. I tried the “tough love” approach about a year ago (“he sucks, you need to stop”), which caused her to only fall deeper into his traps. Plus, I don’t want her to feel like she can’t talk to me if I’m too harsh with her. But, she recently mentioned that the two of them had discussed marriage (?!?!), so I feel like something has to be done now.
Is there a right way to convince someone that they really need to end a relationship for their own good? Or, is she a grownup and I have to let her make her own mistakes? For reference, all parties are in their late 20s.
This is absolutely a realization she will have to make on her own. You can, and you should, express your thoughts to her about the guy as long as you have her best interests in mind. You’ve done that. You’ve done your job. Now your job is to let her figure the rest out on her own. It sucks, and it’s hard, but it’s what you have to do.
Trying to tell someone how to feel or how to think is a losing endeavor every time. She will most likely grow to resent you if you’re persistent about it. I think the more people who share their negative thoughts about this asshole helps, but all the advice in the world will only take her so far. It has to be her realization.
Dillon,
I just finished a podcast on Super-Recognizers and how their skills translate to cool jobs. You’ve done good work for Grandex over the years, but do you ever feel like you missed your calling as a CIA agent or local politician with your ability to spot a face and never forget it?
– Someone who forgets most faces.
Thank you for bringing attention to my very rare and amazing superpower.
First of all, I have a very cool job already. I love what I do and have no desire to seek employment elsewhere, even though this incredible ability I have is of no use to me in my current role. Am I not fulfilling my societal duties? What if Superman was in sales? Or if he was a gamer nerd who never left the couch? What an absolute waste of abilities that would be.
I have wondered on occasion how my being a super-recognizer would land me a really sweet gig with the CIA. Taking down the world’s high profile criminals and all that. I don’t know how this power would actually translate to a different, cooler job, but I’m happy where I am. At the end of the day, it’s fun to be like this, and that’s enough for me.
Dillon,
Hey man, I’ve noticed you give out a lot of sound advice so I’m looking for some help. My brother is getting married soon so I was curious on the protocol of hooking up with someone at a wedding like that. I’m torn because I am not in a relationship so I would have to either find a plus one or hook up with a mutual friend of either my brothers or the brides. I’m thinking maybe this is a type of wedding you would sit out of the hookup game, what do you think?
All you hornballs out there looking at every occasion as an opportunity to get laid. I love it. Ways to pick up girls at the grocery store, at the gym, at baby showers — it doesn’t matter. It’s always time for sex.
Your best chance at hooking up after this wedding is probably to take a date. You arrive together, you drink adult beverages, then you leave together. It’s a recipe for sex. And as the brother of the groom, you’re allowed a plus one even though you’re not dating anyone currently. So shoot your shot. I bet you already have someone in mind to take.
Hey Dorno,
I’m lucky enough to be traveling this fall to both Jacksonville and San Diego, and I’ve managed to lock in plans to play the Sawgrass Stadium Course and Torrey Pines North (humble brag). These are likely the only times I’ll get to play these tracks, and would like to have something nice as takeaways from each. Should I go with the standard dri fit polo or hat with club logo from the pro shop, or should I grab a flag, ball marker, or one of the other miscellaneous items they have for sale? Would love your opinion along with the commenters.
I’m big on apparel. You get the most use out of it. You wear it around, people ask you if you’ve played there, you get to talk about your experience, etc. It’s good stuff, and it shows you get around. What are you going to do with a flag? How many uses will you get out of a ball marker? How many people will see your Torrey Pines coffee mug that you’ll inevitably lose or break the next time you move?
Scoop a dri-fit and a cap and call it a day.
Sup Dill,
Two part question for ya. So I recently moved to a new city and started a new job in construction management. Got a few old fraternity brahs in the area, but all kinda spread out. Wondering what you suggest for a new postgrad to meet friends? Secondly, as I mentioned, I work in construction. At work I wear dad jeans, tucked in polo, and a phone on the contractor belt clip. Kinda look like a fool. Whats my play here, do I take the extra hassle to change before I go out to bars/dates or do I full on embrace this look and wear it 24/7?
Stay frosty,
@mcfuego
I’m including this question because this was the exact work attire I used to wear every day, and it brings me back. I used to work for a small construction company here in Austin and I wore white-washed Wranglers, Justin boots, tucked in polo, a hat, and a Nextel attached to my belt via belt clip. FUCK.
What an absolutely atrocious outfit. Dude, listen to me: You cannot wear this in any bar outing, dinner, hangout, or social gathering of any kind, whatsoever. It’s for work. Leave it at work.
Hey Dillon,
First off, gotta say, I appreciate the content. I’ve been an on again off again reader of TFM since way back in 2012 and PGP more recently, and I’ve gotta say, my morning shits wouldn’t be the same without them.
Anyways, my question. I’m 23 and after working and going to school part time in order to pay tuition I’m pulling the trigger and heading back to a four year university to finish my degree. The school I’ll be attending is only about 10,000 people, well known for being a party school, and has a fairly subdued Greek life. I have every intention of partying and enjoying myself, but my academics have to come first this late in the game. Is it worth it to join a fraternity? Am I too old? What’s your take on people going back to school after a certain age?
I don’t know the likelihood of this making it on the site, but I’d certainly love to hear your opinions.
Thanks,
Stephen
I wouldn’t join a fraternity at 23 years old. I probably wouldn’t join a fraternity at 20 years old. At 23, I’d be thinking about getting my degree first, lining up job prospects second, then having a social life third. Not that having fun isn’t important, but it’s just different when everyone around you had a five-year head start. Priorities change over time.
You can still have a blast in college without joining Greek life, which you say is “subdued” anyway..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
To the guy wanting to hookup at his brother wedding, if your family is anything like mine the move is not to bring a date. If my mother gets the glimpse that I might be interested in a women she will call me non stop for three days straight wanting to know everything about the girl. Then she would drive all the way to the city to spend more time with her and drop the hint that she needs grandkids now. No the move is to get balls ass drunk hookup with the trashiest grill at the wedding and let everyone in your family know how big of a piece of shit you really are.
Exactly. Don’t bring your own sand to the beach
Wrong
Very excited to find out that I have a long lost brother out there, because we definitely have the same mom.
In my mom’s defense, she had kids later in life and my brothers and I have been slow on the adult relationship train. But she is getting her first grandson in October, so she really needs to calm her self with this whole I need to get married thing.
Same situation here – both of my parents were 34 when I was born. So that coupled with being the oldest child as well as being single for a year now has put a lot of pressure on your boy.
and this is why I didn’t bring a lady friend to my brother’s wedding. Too many variables and I was already being stressed out of being the best man.
Rushing and being a fraternity pledge at 23 would be a fucking nightmare.
Also, if your friend is dating a terrible person, respectfully talk to them about it until they make the right decision. Long story short, I’ve learned this the hard way and now the devil in female form is about to be my sister in law
Oh man this scares me. One of my best friends is in a shitty relationship and it really sucks when you can’t do much about it
Wholeheartedly agree. If it’s a friend or even a good friend it’s acceptable to let them learn the hard way after you’ve tactfully made your opinion crystal clear. If it’s a family member with a horrendous SO who you may potentially have to deal with for another 60-70 years there are very few measures that aren’t acceptable for trying to get them to end that relationship.
Pledges older than 19 are going to have a lot of resentment for everybody else in the chapter. It has to be extremely hard to listen to some shithead 19-year old “active” telling you when to go to bed and what nights you can drink when you’re 23.
If he’s 23 and the thought of joining a frat doesn’t make him want to kill himself, he might as well just rush.
Pro shop guy, unless your office at work or home is already decorated with memorabilia from other courses, stick with the polo and hat. Maybe a ball marker if you wanna really treat yourself.
Also, if anyone out there has ever purchased and/or worn a shirt from a course they haven’t played, please comment below so I can come cut holes in it so you can’t wear it anymore.
Truth
I do buy pin flags and bag tags if they have them and it will most likely be my only time there, but I have been collecting that stuff since most people were collecting beanie babies and stamps.
I do usually scoop one of the poker chip ball markers if they have them, or a 3 pack of the metal ones so I can put one up and give another to my niece or a golf buddy. My one apparel must have are the Titleist hats with the course logo on the side. My closet can only hold so many polo shirts, so I just go with what I know.
Serious question regarding your comment. Pops got me a Masters hat from when he went, but I have beer been, let alone played there. This has to be the exception to the rule, right? Either way I’m still wearing it.
*never been
I agree with most of your comment but I think there is some leeway. Yeah, if it’s a public course (like Torrey Pines or TPC’s Stadium Course) then you probably should only wear it if you’d played it. However, if you attend a tournament at a private club (like Augusta National or Shinnecock) then I’d say it’s okay to wear.
Side note to the reader who wrote it: make sure to save your scorecards. I have some of my dad’s cards from when he played St. Andrews and Turnberry back in the 80’s and they are some of my most prized possessions.
Good call Fitzy. Will definitely be saving score cards from both.
Branded club covers are pretty cool and have utility if the pro shop carries them.
Is no one going to point out that he is playing the wrong Torrey? South or GTFO
Also, I’ve moved to collecting metal ball markers that will frame together like signed baseballs. Polos/hats wear out but these I will have forever. And only cost like $4
To the first question- my former roommate was my best friend, and started dating a guy who was really cool until he developed a substance abuse problem. When he was sober he was great, but most of the time he wasn’t. He got her into legal trouble by getting caught with it while she was with him, and I saw him shove her one time. I punched him in the face (maybe not the best move), he cried and apologized. I talked openly with her about seeking counseling from al anon or something similar. She decided that I was the problem for “not supporting” her relationship. She moved out and we haven’t spoken since, they just got married last month and shockingly I wasn’t invited. You can phrase it as nicely as you want and it can come from a place of genuine concern, but if she doesn’t want to hear it be prepared for it to lead to the end of your relationship with her.
I’ve talked multiple friends into breaking up, and the move there is to politely ask them “what do you think about when he (something that he does repeatedly)?” Or “Do you think he went a little overboard when he (something else he did)?” After she responds you say “That’s going to get to you eventually” and they’ll either agree and that will plant a seed in their mind or they’ll disagree and you just say “Really? That would definitely get to me.” Make sure you keep a polite tone during the entire conversation. The point is not to argue or get in the last word but to plant that seed in their mind and let them draw their own conclusion. Next time he does whatever you mentioned, she’ll think about what you said.
I hope you only use this power for good, Lily Aldrin
The last time I did this ended with the girl who my friend broke up with faking a pregnancy to try to keep him around and now, she’s married to his best friend. I’d say it’s probably good he broke up with her in that case.
In my experience I’ve always reached a point where I just can’t enable my friends in terrible relationships. In the past I’ve had a conversation with my friend and honestly and politely explained my concerns, without being emotional and hateful. After that I’ve told them I will no longer be a part of the drama. I then no longer spend time with my friend if the terrible significant other will be around, I won’t be buying a beer or ice cream when they break up for the 10th time, and I won’t allow the significant other in my apartment and I won’t be available to listen to any issues going on. I make it clear if at any moment they need help (one friend was in a physically abusive relationship) I will be there. I’ve also had friends do the exact same thing to me when I was dating someone awful. Things might be tense between you and your friend for a bit, but when the relationship ends they will appreciate you being honest (hopefully).
Pops buys a logo ball at every new course he plays and has them in a display rack in the man cave. They are generally cheaper than most of the other memorabilia which means there is room in the budget for a polo or hat.
This is the move I make. Polo and ball from each course, have a nice shadowbox with all the different balls from various courses in my basement. Balls are a buck or two (if they even remember to charge you).
Dorn, what’s to protocol for telling your boy (that you’ve know since college) that his girlfriend of 2 years might be cheating on him? I have no definitive proof that said cheating is occurring. Rather multiple people have talked it to me with “rumors” and mentioning it being with the same person are spreading like wildfire. What’s the play here? Mind my own business or confront him about it.
Unless you have definite proof, stay out of it. Otherwise, he’ll take her side and you’ll be out a friend.
What about confronting her first? You’ll be able to tell right away if she’s lying. You’ll probably have to tell your buddy you asked her, but you’ll have more ammo to go in with. Plus, if she admits it, you give her the opportunity to come clean herself to him.