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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Hey Will,
First off I always enjoy reading your critiques of insufferable millenial culture. That being said I need some help. I just got out of a relationship that started before I had a smart phone. Yeah. Crazy right? Anyway I feel like I’m totally lost when it comes to being single in 2017. I’m trying to figure out dating apps but it’s just so overwhelming. There’s way more than I thought and once I get a match on one I’m so confused about what to do. Any chance you could give us newly single people a for dummies summary of what’s out there?
Note: In the spirit of transparency, I have to tell you that this question was obviously sent to Will and he passed it on to me since he’s out the game.
Your smart phone comment leads me to believe you’re north of 28 years old, maybe even well north of 28. Unless you’re into some weird shit that would necessitate you connecting with a very niche demographic of other weirdos, you really should only think about using two dating apps: Bumble and Hinge.
Tinder is a very popular one but it skews younger and is generally thought of as the “hookup” app.
Bumble is unique in that the girl has 24 hours to initiate the chat — conversations usually start with a simple “Hi,” “What’s up?” or “How’s your week going?” comment. Then it’s off and running. Hinge provides more in-depth profile options which makes me associate it with people who are looking for more serious relationships.
Dillon,
First and foremost, I love this column. Keep it up, some of the e-mails I have been reading here makes my day after work. In order to explain my situation, you have to understand a bit of who I am.
I’m a 25 year old male living in Richmond, VA. My life is going very well in most aspects. I have my shit together with work, health, financial stuff as well as relationships with my friends and family. A lot of great things are happening for me, except for just 1 thing, which honestly, makes me very scared.
I graduated from college about a year ago and I was in a fraternity. My time with the fraternity changed who I am and made me see the college lifestyle in a very different light. I was a goody-two-shoe’d kid growing up, so the change was big for me. It was so big that I got carried away my years there and had sex with a lot of women and never truly dated, mainly because I saw college as a time where I shouldn’t take life so seriously and just enjoy myself. I’m not going to lay any specifics, but I always bought the 30 pack of Trojans at Wal-Mart every 3 to 4 weeks. It was nuts, and it came to full circle after graduation, where I had to be a lot more responsible in the real world.
So ever since I graduated, I ditched my man-whore ways. I have never loved anyone outside my family, keep in mind. I was an avid tinder/bumble user, and now I am finding all the wrong types of women who claim they do not have their shit together in the city. Dates would go great as usual, then the normal response after the 2nd or 3rd date I get is, “You are a great guy, but I am just not ready to see anyone, I hope you understand and we can be friends at least” and “Any girl would be so lucky to have you.” And that just simply does not work with me, I move on because I know I deserve someone who does have their shit together. I have been on many dates with almost just as many women with no results. Honestly, I fear I’m going to be the only guy in my group of friends who is single because “he isn’t dating material.”
So I’m writing for advice. What should I do to get over this obstacle? I was thinking deleting tinder/bumble altogether and just hope one day it happens and clicks, even though that is not in my nature at all. I was also thinking of switching to Match/OkCupid for better compatibility, however I am trying to get away and put aside the app/online dating scene. Any advice from you or from the commentators would be greatly appreciated, thanks Dillon.
Sincerely,
A changing man
First of all, congrats on the sex.
If you’re trying to meet someone and enter into a meaningful relationship, I’d shut down the Tinder account. I could be wrong on this (I don’t use Tinder), but as I stated before, I just don’t think that’s the place you go to find that sort of relationship, especially since you seem to be a younger guy and thus set your age range to younger girls.
Secondly, in my experience, most of the time when someone, guy or girl, says anything along the lines of “You are great, but I am just not ready to see anyone,” it means they’re not into you. If they truly liked you, they’d want to keep seeing you. It’s that simple. Of course there are exceptions, but “Any girl would be so lucky to have you” actually means “And it’s never going to be me.”
Just keep going on dates, man. It doesn’t matter how you meet them, but keep meeting people and taking them out. You’ll find a match eventually. And I’d think of apps as simply a means of initiating contact. Use them but don’t depend on them to fully vet possible significant others. That happens in person.
Hi Dillon,
Big fan of the mailbag and your advice. This one is dramatic, so prepare yourself. I’m embarrassed to even admit that I’m in this situation. Basically, I live with my boyfriend and we’ve been together for a year and a half. He’s 46, I’m 29. We have an amazing connection and when he’s sober, our relationship is great. I’ve always thought he was the one. We’ve talked marriage and are very committed to each other. That said, the past few months have been a rollercoaster.
Essentially, he was laid off from his job about three months back as a VP. He has been looking for jobs but hasn’t found anything he wants yet. So, he’s been sitting at home job searching/watching TV/doing nothing. Like, he has got to be depressed. When I was unemployed for a month earlier this year, I spent it at coffee shops job searching, working out, laying out by the pool and just all around trying to have a life. He does nothing of that sort.
Fast forward to the current situation: He has been blackout drunk for the past 12 days. Not just at night, around the clock. He’s so obliterated that he can’t even string together a sentence, and his right eye has some sort of alarming red infection/bulge and he doesn’t know how it happened. As you can imagine, my home life has been absolute hell. Every day, I come home from work to find him either passed out or drinking and angry. I stayed with a friend this past weekend and we came over to get the dog, and he had filled the dog’s water bowl with beer. It’s really that bad. He’s stayed at a hotel the past two nights (I think out of shame) and all my friends are confused as to why I’m still with him. I’m contemplating ending things but I also know he needs serious help — but isn’t willing to get it.
The other issue here is our lease. We’re both on it, and it’s not cheap to break it — and I definitely cannot afford to. What’s your advice here? I don’t want this life but I’m (embarrassingly) scared to leave him.
Holy shit this dude is SPIRALING.
Look, this guy needs serious help, and it will only get worse from here if he doesn’t get any. I imagine losing a high-paying job that far into your career could take a serious emotional toll on a person. He’s in a dark place. You obviously care a lot about this dude, so do everything you can for him. If you can’t convince him yourself to get professional help, get his friends and family involved. Make sure you articulate how serious the problem is and ask them to help you out in getting him in to see a counselor at minimum.
He’s not a lost cause so don’t treat him like one. This is still fairly new. He just needs to lean on his people around him, and that’s mainly you. Good luck and Godspeed.
Dear Dorn,
Just wanted to say I have enjoyed the transition from TFM to PGP. I have a issue that has escalated. Backstory is a year and a half ago one of my best friends started to date this girl. There was conflict in the beginning as she was being wishy washy like talk to other dudes and disappearing, but he kept pursuing and they eventually started dating.
Well after a while the core friends were starting to notice some of the bad behavior still with this girl, but my friend kept ignoring it. A note about him, he had trouble meeting girls in the past and would get really sad about potential being alone the rest of his life. Well she started to notice that we were noticing, but my friend was still ignoring the signs.
Well about 6 months ago, one of our friends called her out on her BS and because he was a wild card (See Drunk) she made him believe he was a bad friend for starting false rumors. So the friends group has split. Fast forward to now, he proposed to her and asked me to be the best man. Every time someone told him some flaky stuff she would do, he would tell her and they would collectively block them out of their lives. I want to tell him to dump this succubus, but it has gone too far and I’d hope he would come to his senses by now.
Should I get him away and tell him or should I follow bro code and let nature take its course? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Best Man in Distress
This one is tough to call because you provide zero specifics. Your descriptors are “wishy washy” and “flaky” and general “bad behavior,” but you don’t mention a single thing she has done to earn these labels. You said she talked to other dudes but you also said it was before she was even dating your friend, so there’s no technical wrongdoing there.
I’m not saying you’re wrong here, by the way — she could be the devil — but I’m not fully committing to your team until I know some deets is all. I hope you have all your ducks in a row before bringing this up to your boy, which you should do if you fully believe in what you’re relaying to him. Be careful, though. It’s a long limb you’re walking out on.
The move is to tell him your concerns then back away to leave him with his thoughts.
Dillon,
Some jabronies from my high school are trying to organize an official class reunion after just 5 years. We went to a smaller school, so if this thing picks up, most of the class would be expected to show up.
High school happens to be where I peaked (pgp?), so I might be able to toss some weight toward pushing things back to a more normal 10 or 15 year mark.
How do I frame this as a poor decision without outright calling them fools?
I’m inclined to think your high school friends (and you, sorry) are a bunch of dorks. Under no circumstances do you guys go rogue and plan an impromptu five-year reunion just to hold onto that brief period in your life when you were a part of actual social circles. It’s a BAD look.
The saving grace for you here, though, is that at least you can admit this is a poor decision. Go with your instinct here. Dork..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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RogerJDorn
Dear girl who is dating the guy who could be her dad’s age. The move is to marry him. It’s 2017 and women are more powerful than ever. Initiate the marriage and once it’s sealed, file for divorce and get half of whatever shit he has left plus alimony and possibly child support since you’re so much younger than him. This sounds fucked up but keep in mind that money will always outlast humans and especially outlast love. Feelings are terrible things to carry around and they influence poor decision making. In a world this fucked up, you need to be ice cold. Like Antarctica cold. Colder than a 7/11 slurpee. You’re a debt slave anyway so you might as well do anything to reach the top of the pyramid scheme anyway lol
colder than a 7/11 slurpee, he said
Colder than a Rocky Mountain Coors light, perhaps?
Mountains have never been more blue!
Colder than a penguin in a tanktop.
Colder than a cold fusion reaction that would provide free, clean, limitless energy to us al….oh wait, if I say anything else the CIA will come kill me, nvm
Keanu…thank you
I don’t understand why people have reunions at all anymore. Anyone I wanted to stay in touch with I have, and anyone I haven’t I’ve creeped on social media.
I went to my 10 year, and it was awesome. My high school wasn’t huge (~250 graduating class) and there were still people who showed up that I had completely forgotten about, etc. Yeah, there’s social media, but it’s no substitute for getting hammered at an open bar to find out how someone’s life is REALLY going. There’s the core group of 20-50 people who never left town and live the ‘glory days’ each weekend with each other, but for those of us who did leave, it was a fun time to go back for one night.
Agreed – 250 person class and maybe 100 showed to the 5 year. $50 got us a nice meal, open bar for a few hours, and a decent spot to catch up with fringe friends I hadn’t seen in a while (then we all just went out with our actual friends after that)
I’m jealous of people that enjoyed their ten year reunion. Mine was so awkward that I got black out drunk just to get through it. Like so blackout drunk that it wasn’t even fun.
To the alcohol person, you need to address that shit immediately and completely. There’s a solid chance he’s been drinking discreetly for a while (you don’t go from nothing to constant black-out without an additional trigger), and if this is the case, the longer it goes on, the longer the long-term after-effects can last (brain fog). It only takes 3-7 days to sober up, and those first several days are absolutely miserable. You can still be a social drinker after a bit of time off, but that becomes harder and harder the longer this lasts.
Yes, he needs to address root causes, but at a minimum, he needs to go to an addiction specialist today, potentially the hospital, get some Librium and lock himself down.
Or maybe this is just him choosing to get blackout every day. Either way, ultimatums are somewhat effective in these cases.
Username checks out.
Yup, proof positive that you can socially drink after sobering up.
Also, Best Man In Distress,
Dillon’s advice is spot on.
You gotta get everything lined up and lay it on the guy. Then, the mistake is on him if he ignores it.
To A Changing Guy –
Don’t uninstall Tinder and Bumble. They’re just two more ways to meet women. Be up front about what you’re looking for and you never know, maybe you’ll find someone on there that you end up having a serious relationship with. It happened to me: my girlfriend and I met on Tinder and have been together for over a year. My parents had her parents over for dinner this past weekend.
same, I met my guy on Tinder almost 5 years ago. It happens!
My HS had a 5 year and it wasn’t too bad.
Basically just a HH at a local bar where we all caught up.
5 years is kinda cool because most people have just finished college or are in their first couple of years for their career, and it’s nice to touch base.
But it’s also weird, because most people really haven’t substantially changed.
To the 25 year old in regards to dating apps. Just keep chugging along. If you start getting frustrated with the whole, match, message, and drinks routine, just focus on going out with friends and having a good time. Both are great ways to meet people, but need to be approached with the right kind of attitude.
And also I know this desire to be in a committed relationship after wandering the care free desert for a while seems like something you have to have, you have to remember there is no rush, and often the pendulum swings the other way and you did yourself craving solitude and freedom. So just stay vigilante, and try not to worry too much, enjoy the now no matter what it presents to you.
– Signed a serial single 28 year old dude
Disregard the pre-coffee typos littered above
Got to disagree on your Tinder take, Dillon. While friend of a friend is objectively ideal, unless you’re consistently in situations where you’re interacting with the opposite sex in a low-pressure, casual way, anyone you go out with is going to be someone you probably know very little about going in. Tinder at least gives you several days+ to get a feel for their personality and interests. Plus, 25 is about the age where people start using it a bit less just for hookups.
As a bonus, girls seem much more willing to pay their share since you’re not just some rando that asked her out of nowhere.
Tagging onto A Changing Guy, any other folks from Richmond here? Organize a happy hour?
I went to a small, all-girls high school, and we had a five year reunion. Because our school was near a major city, we had our reunion at a bar in a fun neighborhood in the city around Christmas when everyone would be home. It was actually fun, and most people continued to go out after the “reunion” ended.
I went to a medium sized school and this is what we did two years ago. Just a happy hour type night at the bar the Friday after thanksgiving and it was a good time