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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Hey Dillon! In your opinion, is sex on a first date a big deal? I’ve never been one to casually hook up and have only slept with 3 guys in my life (all were boyfriends). I usually like to wait several dates before taking the plunge. My current situation is that a guy I’ve had a not so serious but flirty friendship with for several months now has suddenly expressed real genuine interest in me. He lives about an hour or so away from me and has made it clear he wants to come drive to me, take me out and spend the weekend together. He’s already mentioned booking a hotel for himself but I’d like to offer to just have him stay over. I know he’s a generally respectful guy but I’m worried if I jump into bed with him right away, he’ll lose interest. He’s definitely my type so I don’t want to screw it up on the first day. Think it’s smarter to hold out and build up some (more) sexual tension? Thanks in advance.
I think sex on the first date is kind of a big deal, yeah. I know not everyone shares my opinion on this matter, and that’s great, but sex is a bigger deal than first date stuff to me. It’s some intimate shit and it’s not a casual thing for me. I don’t pass judgement on casual sex havers whatsoever, however.
Now, your situation doesn’t really qualify as a standard “first date” situation, in my opinion. You don’t make plans to spend a weekend with someone on a first date. You have a “not so serious but flirty friendship for several months” with this guy. While this will technically be a first date, it’s atypical of one. You know the guy pretty well and I assume you’re very familiar with him. If you invite him to sleep over, he’s going to be ready for sex. If it feels right, go for it.
Hey Dillon,
Got a bit of a doozy for you today. I’ve been in a relationship for the better portion of this year, and it’s been mostly distance. At first it was doable, but its growing to be more uncertainty of when we will see each other and for how often, and honestly it’s reaching the point where it feels pointless being in a relationship when I can’t even see the person for more than a few days every few months. On top of that, recently I find myself growing very close to a good friend in my life and I feel as thought that could be potential for something. Is there a proper protocol for breaking up with someone over distance, or am I destined to come off as the bad person in this situation?
Dump the long distance guy. What a waste of time and effort that has become for you. AND you’re already looking elsewhere? Yeah your relationship is already over; you just haven’t made it official yet.
When the relationship is long distance, a phone call is proper protocol.
Hi Dillon,
Your maturity could be useful here. Girlfriend and I had been doing fine for about 8 months until a recent issue for which I need your take came up. I was about to make that Roth IRA contribution before the S/O just about lost it on me, insisting that I should be pitching into a traditional fund! After two long weeks, still no resolution and still no intimacy since. Do I take the tax hit down the road to keep the girl happy now or cut her like a bad habit?
Either you found the most intense financially-minded girlfriend on the planet or you’re a wise guy. Imagine your significant other putting you in a two week so-sex timeout because she disagrees with how you chose the way your own investment fund is to be taxed. Great email.
Hey Dillon,
First of all, I love the podcast and think you have a really sexy voice. I have a question that makes me feel a bit crazy. I’ve been dating this guy for about 8 months and it’s easily the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We get along really great, have similar values/morals, both love each other’s families, bounce back easily from arguments, have really good sex, etc. However, we used to text throughout the day during work and lately he’s been texting me less and less. Nothing else has changed, which is why I feel like a crazy person asking this. Is it possible he’s trying to back away, or do you think maybe he’s just getting more comfortable in the relationship and doesn’t feel the need to be in constant communication? Does that even happen? I have no clue. Help me please.
Both of those are possible reasons. He may be cooling on the relationship, or he may be getting comfortable and no longer feels the need to keep the texts popping like he used to when things were new and fresh. Both can, and do, happen. I think you should stop worrying about the texts slowing down as long as all the other stuff is great. If his efforts change in other aspects of your relationship, too, then start to worry.
Have you thought of asking him about it? Communication is key.
Hi Dillon –
This is kind of a random question, but I figure you or PGP readers may have an answer for me since any guy I’ve asked just shrugs their shoulders in response. Every guy I know who drives a car without automatic windshield wipers refuses to turn them on when it rains enough to the point where they become necessary. I’m not talking about the very light, almost not noticeable drizzle. They only flick the lever manually when they feel there’s too much water on the windshield to see out. This is so odd to me. What’s the point? It seems like you’re putting in more effort than necessary when you could just turn them on to the lowest setting and not think about it. Do you do this? Do other people do this? Thanks!
I love this question. I do this. I won’t turn on my wipers until it’s become too dangerous to leave them off, then I find the lowest possible setting in order to see just well enough to avoid getting into an accident. Why do I do this? I don’t know.
It bothers me when people have the wipers set at a pace that’s faster than necessary. Seems like they’re wearing out the little wiper motor or something. And when the rain stops completely and the driver absentmindedly leaves the wipers on so that they screech against the dry windshield, FORGET IT. That drives me absolutely crazy, and I’ll usually remind them that the wipers were left on.
Guys are just weird. Maybe it’s a primal thing, like trying to deal with the elements without the assistance of technology or some shit.
Hey Dillon,
As a girl, I know I’d be irked if a female friend hooked up with someone I’ve been with– be it an ex, a casual hookup, or even a former crush. But do guys feel this way?
Recently a high school friend made a move on me despite the fact that for months, I hooked up with his best friend while they were roommates, so he was fully aware. That was a few years ago but still, it caught me off guard. I also dated a guy in college who (months before we dated) saw me make out with his roommate/ best friend.
Since this kind of thing has happened to me a few times I’m starting to think that guys just don’t care. Or are these dudes just particularly brazen?
Can you please explain this phenomenon?
– Perplexed
I think this is a bigger deal to girls than it is to guys. Maybe?
It totally depends on the level they reached in their prior relationship. Did they drunkenly make out a couple different nights at the club to “Despacito,” or did they date seriously for three years and live together? Under the former circumstance, I’d have no problem proceeding while tossing my buddy a “by the way, I asked out Lisa — that’s not gonna bother you, right?” And obviously the more time has passed, the less of an issue it is. The latter, though, that’s a no. She’s off limits as long as you intend on maintaining that friendship with your boy. Anywhere in between is a grey area and will need to be discussed with each party.
…
If you missed the Mailbag question about the gorilla versus polar bear hypothetical fight to the death that got its own column, read about it here..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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RogerJDorn
Glad to know there are others out there who hate when people overuse their windshield wipers. Straight psycho move
The noise they make when they don’t wipe smoothly because they’re on too high of a setting makes me want to jump out the window.
RainX, people. RainX. You can leave your wipers on the lowest delay in freaking hurricane.
I judge people hard on the speed of their windshield wipers compared to the amount of rain falling.
The beginning of the end of my last relationship was a fight over my hesitation to turn the windshield wipers to an automatic setting in a light drizzle. The occasional lever flick to clear the screen drove her mad.
For the IRA guy: break up with your girlfriend. Traditional IRA vs. Roth isn’t THAT big of an issue to begin with, but who the fuck is your girlfriend of 8 months to dictate financial decisions to you? It’s not like you are married or (I assume) even living together. That’s a crimson red flag, my friend.
Totally agree. She should be happy that you’re thinking about your future and comtributing to any type of retirement fund. Sounds like something else could be bothering her and she’s using this as an excuse to take it out on you or she’s just way too controlling. Either way, I’d say get out of that while you can because this is likely just the beginning.
Tall AND fiscally knowledgeable? When’s this meetup going down
considering the traditional is taxable and the Roth you don’t have to pay taxes. so in the long run, say there is 4 million in the Roth, you get to withdraw tax free. 4 million in a traditional you pay a quarter in taxes so 1 million…1 million dollars is kind of a big deal
Tax now or tax later. You decide
wow I wrote the windshield wiper question and I had no idea this many people actually did this, but it makes much more sense now haha
Glad to know I’m not the only one who gets unreasonably angry at that
glad to know I’m not the only guy on team “fuck windshield wipers.” Can’t explain why, but I find it annoying as hell when they wipe even slightly more often than absolutely necessary
Roth IRA guy: Assuming you’re relatively young and don’t make an obscene amount of money yet your girlfriend is wrong. Recommendation: dump her
*Recommendation: dump her and blow it all on a weekend in your choice of debauchery.
I will put the windshield wipers on when it becomes impossible to see and I set it at the lowest setting I am comfortable with and can still see. Something about the high speed irritates me. I also think I happen to buy the shittiest wipers in the bunch. Doesn’t matter the brand, rainex, bosch, or the auto store house brand, I manage to always get the ones that jump and bounce across the glass and leave streaks in the most convenient of places, like my sightline.
Usually the rain drops are easier to see through than the streaks from the wipers anyways.
I have a question I should’ve submitted but was dumb and didn’t. Anyone know how I can stop being ghosted all the time? Happens to me basically nonstop. Half the time I come home from work to realize I have an unanswered text and then days pass and it just stays that way. And it’s always guys who pursued me in the first place! This happens so often that I can tell it’s gonna happen before I even get ghosted. What gives? If anyone has advice please lmk because my confidence and patience are waning.
Oh, and girl who’s boyfriend is being distant, straight up ask him about it. If everything’s fine you’ll get your piece of mind, and if it’s not, better to rip off the bandaid and find out now than to worry about this for weeks on end.
A simple (not as easy) way to end being ghosted- if you notice it start happening, call em out on it. Doesn’t have to be confrontational, just something like “hey I’ve enjoyed our time together, are you still interested in getting together or should i move on?” I’ve had it happen to me and I respected the hell out of it cuz I was being too big of a pansy to tell this girl I wasn’t that into her.
I’ve done that before. I wasn’t sure if there was any point to it. But good to know you respected that, I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks!
Unfortunately If a guy ghosts you, then he probably didnt like you very much to begin with and definitely not worthy of your time. I’m not saying this to be mean, just coming from the perspective of someone who has been ghosted on multiple times and who has done the ghosting.
Keep on dating and find someone who likes you so much that he will stick around and respond to all of your texts and calls! Be upfront with your feelings and intentions. If you like a guy, be extra flirty with your texts, (overuse of smiley face emojis, extra exclamation points, respond right away, heart emojis etc) guys love this and will get the hint. Sometimes if Im talking to a girl its hard to tell if she likes me or not because her tone is so neutral and non flirty.
@NurseJackie, I totally understand your dilemma as it happens to me a lot too. This is good advice though about being more flirty w/ texts…I tend to usually be very neutral in my texting tone with guys and I think that can come off as sort of disinterested.
Yeah I definitely agree with this too. I’m not naturally very flirty over text, but when I’ve made an effort to be more flirty, even if I feel like it’s forced, I’ve gotten good results.
At what point in your dating life does this happen? Before a first date, a few dates in, etc.? The timing of this plays a significant role in figuring out what’s going on.
Usually after a date or two. Even my relationships haven’t lasted long for a while. My longest one since graduating high school was 4 months. It’s kind of embarrassing putting this all out there but I could use the advice. And I work nights so there’s no possible way I could be clingy since 3-4 days of the week I am literally sleeping… My friends always give me a hard time about being single so I usually just lie and say I’m super busy but the reality is I just get rejected a lot.
Completely respect the night shift issue here
Here I am thinking your named referred to the Gregory Isaacs song
Night shift = Breakfast dates so don’t think that’s and issue. Also these dudes from an App or someone you met organically?
After a date or two means that they lost interest, which can happen for a variety of reasons – anything from you guys didn’t have much in common to him not feeling any chemistry or maybe his ex got back in his life. Do you usually have great dates with these guys before the ghost you? And I wouldn’t pay attention to the short relationship after high school. That doesn’t matter at this point.
I wish I had done this a couple months back. I met a guy in a bar, made out there, then a few days later went on a lunch date. He asked me if I wanted to go out with him and some friends later that night and paid for my drinks (I definitely didn’t pressure him to do this, I was hesitant to say yes) then said he’d text me and never did and never answered the 2 messages I sent after. I’ve been ghosted before but that situation still confuses me
He was interested enough to invite you out which he probably intended to go through with but probably lost interest at the first sign of dissaproval which was you being hesitant to say yes.
Interesting perspective, is that really how most guys think?
As a guy, if a girl I just met a few days ago, turned down an invitation to an event from me without making some offer of an alternate plan along the lines of “I’m busy tonight but if you’re going there next weekend, I’ll definitely make it out,” it’s likely that I would just think she’s not interested and move on.
I actually was on the other side of a similar experience with the last girl I dated. We went on a date, we kissed and I thought it went well. I asked her out again and she said she was busy and didnt offer any alternate plans. I took it as a sign she wasnt interested and I never called or texted her again. Another girl that I told that story to also said that the the girls response shows she wasn’t interested.
I didn’t turn him down though, I just hesitated? We were speaking my second language so it took me a second to realize he was inviting and not just telling. Ah well, mystery solved.
Honestly, I think it’s just a result of the instant communication/Tinder environment. Things don’t require much effort anymore, so people are less invested – there’s always another girl/guy to talk to. The only suggestion I could give would be to think about the environment where you’re meeting guys – is it reflective of this sort of attitude?
@bill bye yes… always great dates and then they disappear leaving me seriously confused. But I guess it happens and I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Thanks for all the advice everyone! I’m not a huge texter so I’m sure that’s part of it. I try but I’ll be more aware… i always figured guys are easily bothered by texting so this is news to me. I feel like someone who’s a good writer needs to make a post about all this. Thanks again everyone!
I honestly would hate being constantly texted during the day – I have things to do.
Yes, unfortunately texting is the #1 method of communication for guys and girls that are dating and getting to know each other these days. If a girl doesnt text me very often or takes forever to respond, I assume shes not interested. Becoming better at texting will improve your dating life 100%!
This happens to me all the time too, so thank you for asking this question! It’s definitely a confidence crusher.
I judge people who set wipers higher than they need to be. So I assume everyone just judges my wiper choice also. Mine stay at the minimum they need to be, maybe I’m just cheap and don’t want to replace them.
Ditto, I feel like I’m always on the lookout for cars with the incorrect wiper speed just so I can judge them
Dillion, how man times did you read “you have a really sexy voice”?
So many people put that second “i” in my name and I’ve never understood why
Dorn, what’s your take on eating ass on the first date?
Guess your parents spelled your name wrong.
Some people’s favorite…actress…may have that extra i in her name.
I’m a completely straight guy, but you do have a nice voice, Dillon.