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I don’t know if y’all have heard about this, but we have an election today. Is it important that you vote? Undoubtedly. Is this going to be another article telling you to vote? Absolutely not. In between the horrible commercials interrupting our sports games, celebrities begging us to vote, and roughly every person on Twitter “reminding us” to vote, I think we’ve got it. At this point, if you’re still not going to vote, there’s nothing that can be done to change your mind. And I get it. Politics sucks. It’s a bunch of old dudes making convoluted, self-serving laws. Don’t you wish, for once, someone would look out for your best interests? Well, wait no longer. Here are the changes I would enact if I was in power. Feel free to write me in on your ballot.
Abolish Open Container Laws
I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about this before, but it bears repeating, damn it. We, as free Americans, should be able to drink alcoholic beverages wherever we damn well please. Wine in the park? Great. Beers on the beach? Fantastic. Forties on the train? Hell yeah. A keg being pulled around the city in a Radio Flyer Wagon as a cheap alternative to a party bus? Absolutely. Drinking champagne in the back seat of an Uber? I don’t know what kind of dope life you live, but that sounds good to me. Having a road beer while driving down the freeway? No. That’s the line. Don’t be dumb. But everything else is fair game.
Update Anti-Trust Laws To Take Down Comcast
I say this from the bottom of my heart as a man who has spent over 10 hours on the phone with Comcast in the past two weeks: Fuuuuuck Comcast. Fuck AT&T. Fuck Verizon. Fuck whatever Hughes Net is. Fuck all these ISPs that have monopolies over the business, and use them to fuck us out of our hard-earned money. It’s 2018. The Internet is not a luxury, it is a commodity. And these companies’ monopolies over this commodity is bullshit. They can charge what they want, lie to us about internet speeds, and when we call to complain, tell us to go fuck ourselves because we don’t have any other options. No more. If I’m elected, I’m breaking all these companies up, putting legislation together to keep the market competitive, and jailing everyone at a VP level or above. Not white collar jails either. I want ‘em in max-security. Gen-pop, baby. They’ll get what they deserve.
Raise Corporate Fines So They Actually Matter
In preparation of the hours I’ve spent on the phone trying to get Comcast to reimburse my money due to lack upholding their contract, I did some digging. It turns out, they’ve been sued for throttling their customers’ internet speeds several times before. In 2012, they were forced to pay $16 million in a class-action lawsuit. Fuck yeah. Justice. Wait, how much did Comcast rake in in 2012? $34.3 Billion. Billion with a B. So that fine they had to pay was less “justice” and more “0.5% of their earnings.” Fuck all that. Under my heroic leadership, these huge corporations that have gotten away with everything for so long will have to actually follow the laws. I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out. If a gas company purposefully cuts corners on regulations and spills a trillion gallons of oil into the gulf, they’re getting fined for significantly more than they made bypassing those regulations. If a bank is found guilty of making fake accounts to pray on the poor and elderly, everyone that signed off on that policy is going to jail. They can form a gang with the Comcast execs.
Carve The Presidents’ Butts Into The Backside Of Mount Rushmore
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Shit would be hilarious. I have no other supporting claims.
Everyone That Uses “The Troops” As An Argument Tool Has To Serve In The Military
Again, pretty self-explanatory. If you use a public platform to speak about how “the troops” feel about any laws, societal issues, or protests, and you never served, congrats! You’re now going to boot camp. If you’re too old or unfit to make it through boot camp, you have the choice of either publicly apologizing and retracting your statement, or we leak the video of your fat ass crying when a deranged drill instructor screamed at you.
Weed Is Legal, But Talking About How Much You Smoke Is Not
Weed’s tight. It makes you feel good, and can help with anxiety and other mental and physical ailments. What it isn’t is a placeholder for a personality. If you smoke, that’s cool. If you call yourself a “stoner,” make fun of others for not smoking, or wear any clothing with a weed leaf emblazoned on it, that’s not cool, and you’re going to get fined for being a douchebag. Both laws come into effect when you turn 18 because I can’t in good conscience arrest high school kids for acting lame as hell when it comes to weed. They can’t help it, and we all did it.
Build A Wall Around Mississippi
That state is a goddamn nightmare, and I think we need more protection against them. Every time you hear a story on the news that you think is from the Jim Crow era and then realize happened two days ago, it was in Mississippi. Just a terrifying populace of racists and swamp people. Florida and Wyoming can also catch this wall.
Pay Cops More
Being a police officer is an extremely difficult, dangerous, and taxing job. They must be able to protect us, using deadly force only when absolutely necessary, and be accountable for their actions when they fuck up. So yes, they definitely need to be paid more. However, with this much-increased salary, there are much-increased requirements. We need police officers that understand that their lives will be in danger, and often, it’s up to them to handle dangerous activity without using deadly force. That means no shooting unarmed civilians from 10 feet away. That means no choking out teenagers for shoplifting candy. Obviously, that means no racists or domestic abusers. Will this mean getting rid of many of our existing police force? Yes, especially since 40% of them experience domestic violence. But we’d end up with a better, more honest, more accountable police force. And those badasses would get PAID. Win-win.
I could keep doing this all day, but sadly, I am not in charge of this country, and I have to get back to work. If someone who actually has the brains and willpower to get into politics wants to run on my platform, it’s all yours. Just hire me as a “consultant” and pay me, like, 250K to do nothing, as is tradition. .