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The United States Government has finally gotten down to answering a question that has no doubt been on everyone’s mind: top ten most popular names for babies. I took a look, and I have to tell you, I was not impressed. I mean, I have no room to talk seeing as my name is John, but Jesus Christ, you guys. I’m not saying you need to go out and name your kid Seven like George Costanza recommends, but this article might as well have been called “Top 10 WASPy Names You Can Give Your Baby.”
Most Popular Girls’ Names of 2015:
Emma
Olivia
Sophia
Ava
Isabella
Mia
Abigail
Emily
Charlotte
Harper
I’m just going to come out and say it – you name your baby girl “Emily” and she’s a shoe in to become a bit character in “Things Girls Do After Graduation.” Emma’s going to go to some liberal arts school in the Midwest or a place like Brown where they don’t give out grades. She’ll be the girl who starts reading Sylvia Plath in high school and skips prom to go to a Shia Labeouf exhibit.
Charlotte and Harper? It doesn’t get much more pretentious than naming your kid Harper. We should bring back some old school girls names. Leta, Mildred, Agatha, maybe Rose. If I ever have a baby girl, I’m going with Rose for very one painfully obvious reason: Titanic. Peak luxury. Sadly, the boys list isn’t much better.
Most Popular Boys’ Names of 2015:
Noah
Liam
Mason
Jacob
William
Ethan
James
Alexander
Michael
Benjamin
This is the drabbest list of names I’ve ever seen. Noah, Mason, Jacob, and fucking Ethan. What a crew that would be. Just a bunch of shitheads with side swoops and a penchant for Vineyard Vines. Ethan is the kid at your school who smells weird and brings goddamn cabbage in his lunchpail.
Michael, Alex, and James. Wow. Super Original. That’s a group of insurance salesman, for sure. Give me something to work with here. I’d love to see a Trip on there. A Xavier would be awesome. Or have a little baby and name it Seven. Could be a boy, could be a girl. You won’t know until you see it pop out. .
[via Country Living]
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Gotta admit, it takes balls for a guy named John to shit on people for boring baby names.
Also, criticizing a list as “Top 10 WASPy Names You Can Give Your Baby” and then angling for a Trip on the list (a common nickname for people with a III behind their name) is similarly bold.
Am I wrong or should a guy named John not get all high and mighty about Michael, Alex, or James?
What about Soda
My first son will be named Wolfgang and I’ve lost more than zero relationships because of it.
I’ve told a few exes I want my daughter to be named Adrena Linh. My last name is Rush.
Now I’m just imagining a baby with Wolf Blitzer’s face. Not good.
Names too WASPy? Is that not what we aspire to? Your kid SHOULD be named something something plain like John or Mike or Will or Emily, because too often the alternative is something to try-hard unique that it’s like Applesauce McDogFister and that’s just terrible.
Right? I’m thrilled my kid will be the first one in the family with roman numerals behind it. Robert III, doesn’t get much more generic WASP than that.
“WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!”
Is the question I would ask Seven every time I greeted him.
I think we can expect John to name his kid something crazy just to compensate for his generic name
My name is on the boys list and I would rather have any name on that list in place of Xavier or Seven.
Hell of a lot better than those terrible ass names coming out ca. 2008 – 2014. I think it was Dennis Leary who has a great bit on stupid but popular baby names.
Let’s all just be thankful there are no Aidens on this list.
Or its bastard friends, Jayden, Caiden, Laiden, Rayden (wins!) etc.
The revival of classic names gives me hope for the future. No more shoving random syllables together in an attempt to be “trendy.”