Knee-Jerk Reactions To This Season’s Ridiculous ‘Bachelor’ Contestants

Knee-Jerk Reactions To This Season's Ridiculous 'Bachelor' Contestants

Everyone’s favorite Bachelor blogger – Crick Watson – will be back week one to break everything down for you, but he’s a little preoccupied with saving lives at the moment, so I’m going to quickly run through some of the highlights of the girls who just got announced as contestants for this upcoming season.

You can also check out the full list.

There are thirty (!) women on this season and I pretty much just mailed in the rest of the afternoon meticulously study each and every one. Luckily for you, I’m here so you don’t have to. If there’s one overarching theme that is emerging from the cast of characters is that even though they’re going for more of a heterogeneous group of gals, they all seem to love dolphins, want to be the Little Mermaid, and love the show Scandal.

Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer who once got told she had a mustache at a Giants game. Must have been a November game. She also wants to physically be a dolphin, as do both Astrid and Briana.

Angela is a model who once went out with a guy who made a reservation under the name Batman. Guess he didn’t want people knowing he was actually Bruce Wayne? Taylor loves shopping at Forever 21, but that’s okay because she’s only 23.

Brittany is afraid of snakes. Jury is still out on whether or not she really is Indiana Jones. Christen pauses Dancing with the Stars to practice the dance moves in her living room. Absolute veteran move.

Corinne’s guilty pleasure show is Frasier and I’m here to tell her there’s nothing guilty about that. Danielle L. admires Chrissy Teigen – though we’re not sure if she still does after quote-tweeting Ross Bolen – and Danielle M. is getting two tattoos removed so we can only assume she’s got a WILD past. Susannah also wants to be Chrissy Teigen.

Dominiqure wants to eat Chipotle with Leo DiCaprio and Jesus. Liz says golf angers her and bores her so we’re not really sure about her on this end. Elizabeth is from Dallas and seems wicked normal, except she apparently has misophobia?

Hailey has seven tats and is from Canada. Vanessa, also from Canada, would be an onion, so we’ll see if she actually makes the other girls cry. Jaimi catered the Oscars. Ida Marie couldn’t name a single favorite book or author, but she’s honest, saying she definitely needs to read more books.

Jasmine B. loves cracking her neck (me too!) and Jasmine G is a pro basketball dancer. Josephine is a Jew who might be tall for me, while Lacey is a Jew (judging by the bling in her photo) who loves the movies Armegeddon and Wedding Crashers so she’s prettyyyyyy much my ideal woman (sup?).

Kristina is a dental hygienist with an amazing set of teeth. Lauren has an awesome Hall & Oates T-shirt, Michelle owns a food truck, and Olivia (a different one) used to be the kicker on her high school football team.

Rachel is a lawyer who loves Bieber, Raven wants to spend the day as Blue Ivy (you know, Jay-Z and Beyonce’s kid), and Sarah has a star named after her. And lastly, Whitney wants to spend the day as Gisele, which hopefully coincides with the day I get to spend as Tom Brady.

What a list. Should be a hell of a season. Can’t wait until Crick gets his hands on this crew. Stay tuned.

Image via ABC

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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