Jordan Belfort’s Application To Be The Bachelor


THE BACHELOR: Contestant Questionnaire

Today’s Date: 01/06/2014

Name: Jordan Belfort

Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?

Yes, the Wolf of Wall Street. Some fucking prick in the Wall Street Journal created it. At first, I said fuck him. Then, I figured it sounds pretty bad ass.


Really, really, really close to wall street, but not quite there.

What is the next big city near you and how far is it:

New York, NY, AKA the ‘ludes capital of the world


Height: 6’0ish

Weight: depends on my recent regimen of drugs, but between 160-190

Birth Date: Tomorrow

Age: 26, btw I made 49M this year

Hair Color:

Black. Like my soul, I mean my suit. Black like my suit.

Eye Color:

Green, like money.

How did you hear about our search?

I was doing coke with Tiger Woods, and he brought up that he is applying to be the next Bachelor. Then explained that it was a game show where one guy is given the opportunity to sleep with 25 girls. While it’s being filmed. Sounded something right up my alley.

Have you ever applied for the show before? If so, when?

No. Unless you count my reoccurring manajatwa every wednesday. I think I filmed that once.

Are you currently employed?

Yes, trying to make a name for myself. Actually, you may need my services. Wanna get rich? Buy Steve Madden.

What is your highest level of education?

Bachelor’s Degree


Money and Drugs

Where were you born?


Where did you grow up?

Poor. Raised by two CPAs. Making a measly $100k combined. Pussies.

Do you have siblings? How old are they?

I don’t know. Haven’t talked to my family in years. Instead I rail lines off hookers assholes. The most recent hooker had two kids of her own, I would figured that’s my closest thing to a family.

Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?

No Comment.

Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against someone or had one issued against you?

No Comment.

Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film?

Never auditioned. However, I have been the star of a few grainy home movies. Night vision technology has come a long way.

Do you drink alcoholic beverages?

Only when mixed with the proper prescription side dish.

What’s your favorite drink?

I’m a rich, white male: cocaine.

Have you ever been married or engaged?

Kinda…long story.

Do you have any children?

I mean, probably.

Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?

Spouse? Wait a second, I don’t want to find another spouse. They always end up pissed off when they find out I’ve been fucking hookers.

How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they?

Few hundred, between 11 seconds and 3 hours.

What happened to end those relationships?

I finished.

What are your hobbies and interests?

Money. Drugs.

Do you have any special talents? Tell us!

I actually don’t know a damn thing about finance but I can sell an eskimo ice, and I have enough money to start a rival television show that incorporates a Jersey Shore-ish element to make it watchable to both sexes.

Do you have any tattoos?

Surprisingly no. I’ve been out of my mind so much, it’s almost a pure act of God that I don’t have any lifelong marks to show I’ve made poor decisions in the past.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?

I made $49M this past year. FORTY-FUCKING-NINE MILLION CLAMS IN ONE YEAR! I made more money in a year than the Oakland Fucking Raiders. Suck it, Howie Long.

What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?

A deaf/blind/mute bombshell that can somehow still cook and blows my mind in the sack.

Signed: Wolfie
Date: 01/03/2014

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Working stock research sales. Trying to become the next billionaire hedge fund manager. Ex-IFC Pres of a Pac 12 school. Enjoys beaches, golf, sunshine, happy hours, and his wife.

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