Johnny Manziel Just Has A Classic Case Of Post Grad Problems

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This isn’t breaking news, but Johnny Manziel isn’t exactly dominating life like the Johnny Football of old. Word out of Cleveland is that after two seasons, fourteen games, and one rehab stint, the former Heisman winner has played his last game in a shit-brown uniform.

This isn’t undeserved or unexpected. After texting Browns brass during the 2014 draft letting them know they should select him so he can “wreck this league,” JFF has failed to live up to the promise both on and off the field. He came into this league with a reputation as an improvisational playmaker and a borderline alcoholic, with the latter holding far truer as a professional than the former.

Even if you found him to be an arrogant dickhead, I don’t know a single guy who wouldn’t have traded lives with Johnny in college. He redefined what the peak of student-athlete life could be, dominating the SEC and dominating Saturday nights with the co-eds. He lived college life to the fullest, but now it appears his world has done a complete 180 and he’s now been saddled with the ultimate case of Post Grad Problems. He now has the same shitty problems as the rest of us, just amplified by a factor of 1,000.

1. He can’t seem to leave college behind.

Can’t you relate? We all killed it in college. It was the best damn time of your life. The drinking, the debauchery, the freedom; there’s really nothing quite like it. Unfortunately, we all have to bid undergrad adieu and transition to the real world. This means curbing the constant drinking, taking on some responsibility, and curtailing all the bad habits you may have picked up to the socially acceptable level necessary to function as an adult.

For some, including our dear friend Mr. Football, this is easier said than done. Johnny is that friend who scored a really well-paying job after college, but spends 90% of his money and time still living like he’s in college to the point where even your scummiest friends think that guy needs to let go.

But, unlike this friend who just frequents the same local bars four to five days a week and only garners suspicion from his employers, JFF frequents Vegas and is second only to Bill Cosby in attracting bad press for his behavior. You couldn’t pay this guy to miss out on a good time. Seriously, you can’t. The Browns tried.

2. He keeps fucking up at work.

Who hasn’t shit the bed a couple times at your first job? Everyone’s made an egregious mistake at a client’s expense, or lost some crucial company information. It happens to all of us, guys. Just like missing injury rehab/concussion protocol for games due to reported hard partying happens:

And just like you at your first job, he’s shown flashes of what makes him special. Unfortunately, that seems to always be followed up by a video of him rapping and chugging Four Loko. He’s like the wild-card young salesmen who locks down a difficult client, but then the next week nixes the deal because he fucked the guy’s wife.

Still can’t help but be in awe of a guy who’s made a travesty of his current work situation but is already making it known that he’s eyeing a gig at a preferred company of his choice. Power move.

3. His friends are more successful than he is.

I don’t care how well you’re doing at your job or adulthood in general. Think about the most successful person from your college group of friends, and it’s not you. No, your mind jumped straight to the guy already making six-figs and on the fast track, all while having a hard-ten girlfriend/wife. Yeah, that’s some solid friend-envy, but just be glad you aren’t Johnny Manziel.

Johnny’s friends make your friends look about as successful as the OJ Simpson prosecution team.

That’s his BFF, Mike. Johnny’s BFF Mike is, despite something of a letdown this year, one of the best young receivers in the NFL. As college teammates they were unstoppable, but now it’s looking like Manziel will be watching the rest of Mike’s illustrious career while either holding a clipboard (if he’s lucky) or holding a 40oz on his couch.

That’s Johnny’s other BFF, Drake. You may have heard of him. While Johnny spent the year ducking questions about his drinking problem and running for his life in the pocket, Drake spent the year dropping a hit album, murdering Meek Mill’s career, and likely having all the sex one can possibly have. Oh, and the other guy is former NBA MVP Kevin Durant, who’s also pretty good at life.

4. His Sunday Scaries are the stuff of nightmares.

Your Scaries this past Sunday were likely pretty bad. Post-holidays, you’re about staring getting right back into the shitstorm of work life after a couple weeks of time off, indulgence, and very few fucks (and a horrible weekend of football betting if you’re me).

Step into Johnny’s Scaries. While you’re cringing in fear about trying to bring what is definitely your C-game to the office on Monday, Johnny spends his Sundays facing likely humiliation on national television. If he’s not being shown on the sidelines 3,729 times after being punishment-benched in favor of Austin Davis, it means he’s actually in a game he’s really not suited for.

You think you’re a bit underprepared for that weekly sales call every Tuesday because you just looked at the agenda the night before? Imagine how JFF feels every Sunday when he has to face the world’s best athletes after a week of discrete boozing.

As polarizing a figure as he is, deep down he’s just like one of us. In actuality, I loved watching this asshole light up the scoreboard in college, and it’s a shame to watch him piss away his shot at an NFL career. He’s got some issues to overcome — both his lack of exceptional athleticism as well as the clear personal issues that continue to plague him. But, talent breeds opportunities, so let’s hope he makes the most of what could be his last.

Getting fired because you chose to go to Vegas instead of attending a mandatory 9 a.m. meeting. PGP. .

Image via Shutterstock / Black Russian Studio

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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