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We’ve exhausted it. The second Labor Day was over and everyone started bemoaning the end of summer. We all had the same jokes — Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes, infinity scarves, Hunter Boots, hayrides, and Hocus Pocus. It’s a recipe we all know by heart. A recipe to create the universally accepted “basic bitch.”
Sure, we can all sit here in our ivory towers and poke fun at every girl’s “basic”-ness which is generally defined by her oversized sweaters and foliage-filled Instagrams accompanied by every single fall Emoji, but that’s wildly unfair. They don’t deserve this harsh criticism and ridicule for reaping the benefits of the season more than anyone else. All these black leggings and cable knits? These autumn staples are not only sensible, but frankly, I think girls look fine as hell in ’em.
What about the guys who relish breaking out their favorite pair of stonewashed jeans that pair perfectly with their tattersall button-downs and Patagonia Snap T Pullover? What about the dudes who wear their NFL team’s sun-faded hat with a frayed brim and their stinky pair of New Balances that look like they’re still dirty from pledge cleanup in 2006? While these innocent girls take photos of their friends throwing leaves in the air for the perfect Sunday Instagram, every guy drinking a pumpkin-flavored beer while endlessly screaming at a meaningless college football game in a crowded bar gets off scot-free.
Not to go all Susan Bro Anthony on everyone, but it’s time someone stands up and acknowledges the part of the population that’s flown under the radar for the past few autumns: The Basic Bro. These guys deserve just as much of the heat as the women catch, if not more. We, as a population, are utterly guilty of ignoring these clones who are doing postgrad frat laps in their Jeep Wranglers. We look the other way as they cut in line at the coffee shop while smelling like whiskey-gingers after a night out.
When you’re out in the wild, they’re everywhere. Playing a game of two-hand touch in the park while wearing heather gray crewnecks with their alma maters on ’em. Mixing fireball into their coffees while making their way to the cider mill in their Tahoes. Decked out in their fleece vests and Chukka boots, they gluttonously wash down their wings with their light beers without a care in the fuckin’ world.
Sure, they look innocent enough. By their clothes alone, you’d think they’re preparing for a camping trip rather than a tailgate, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to catch some heat like every basic bitch out there does for their workout-centric clothing choices. These guys are in the same echelon as every single one of those girls.
And me? Yeah, I’m clearly guilty as charged. I’m ecstatic to break out my earth-tone long sleeve Brooks Brothers 100 percent pima cotton t-shirts. I watch That Awkward Moment every time it’s on and totally identify with Efron and Miles Teller because I’m positive they’d love to wingman for me. I’m going through a fucking rope hat phase, and yeah, sometimes I listen to the “Crash” album by The Dave Matthews Band when I’m trying to chill out. Sue me. I’m as stereotypical as they come, and I’ve been upfront about that shit.
Muhammad Ali Jinnah once said, “No struggle can ever succeed without women participating side by side with men.” Too long have we watched men and women alike skewer the aforementioned “basic bitch.” Too long has criticism rained down upon those females who simply just like pumpkin flavored coffee drinks. It’s time for all of us to stand up and start shaming basic bros before it’s too late. .
Image via Vulture
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Nice try but there is no such thing as a meaningless college football game.
There is if you’re a Kansas fan.
Or Texas
Hating the Texas Longhorns, but liking Charlie Strong. PGP
Can’t help it if vest life is the best life
Too vest to be stressed.
The best weather is vest weather.
Invest in the vest to put off the best vibes.
Just trying to keep my core warm
Suicide vest?
I chuckled…
What do you have against light beer and wings? Seems anti American if anything..
First it was craft IPAs, now it’s light beer.
What can we drink?
Say what you want about basic bros Will, but leave Jeep Wranglers out of it. Low blow man.
Will deFries is no longer a writer at this point. He has become a cult leader. Will deFries says our Instagram game sucks? You bet we’re deleting every picture where we went a little too cray with the saturation effect. Will deFries says white pants season should last all year long? You know what I’ll be pulling out from the storage bin under my bed. Will deFries says to stop shaming the basic bro? Done. #allhail
Shame me all you want, but all of this sounds pretty damn awesome to me.
For a chubby 25 year old guy there is nothing better than Patagonia vest season and sweater weather. Those pumpkin beers arent low calorie!
Partying like its 2006. PGPM.
You had me at Susan Bro Anthony.