======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Call me old fashioned, but I think there’s a proper way to consume alcohol. Back in my day, we started out chugging wine from bags and drinking punch from trash cans, but as our tastes developed (read: we threw up so much cheap booze that we had to start buying the more expensive stuff), so did our drinking habits. We stopped having to count our shots on our hands in Sharpie and our tolerances waned in correlation, but at least for me, I started to realize I could actually enjoy drinking.
As it turns out, when you’re not consuming gallons of a substance one step away from rat poison every weekend and instead opting for higher quality drinks a few nights a week, you can actually proudly enjoy your red wine, mimosas, and $14 cocktails crafted by mixologists in peace. You probably remember most of what happens every night now, but since that doesn’t end up with waking up in a room with a sheetless twin bed, an American flag hanging from the ceiling, and dirty underwear on the floor, that’s a trade-off I’m more than willing to accept.
I assumed that most people’s drinking habits mirrored my own – sure, I still get day drunk at sporting events and have been coerced into taking shots, but overall, my casual drinking seemed pretty normal. That is, until I started getting Google Alerts for wine and beer, and I started to wonder what the hell has been going on in society recently.
Within the last week, not only have people been infusing their coffee with wine, but I found out that Columbus, Ohio is opening a “beer hotel” where you can bathe in a hot tub filled with IPA and consume your shower beer more easily than ever thanks to the beer fridge in the bathtub. These aren’t outliers either – we’ve also recently heard about beer yoga, sudsy shower beer, and people putting their wine into their fridge’s water dispensers.
I get the concept of doing it for the ‘gram – do you think I got a Pure Barre body by actually eating all of the donuts I Instagram? – but this is starting to go too far. For the love of all that is good, I beg of you, please stop doing weird things to your alcohol.
Sure, these things may make for good Facebook headlines, but are any of them actually good ideas? Let’s stop and think. Bathing in warm beer not only sounds disgusting but is a horrible, atrocious waste of otherwise consumable alcohol. Infusing wine with beer only sounds like a disgrace to both wine and beer while ruining the individual experience of each, and chugging beer while going from warrior 2 to downward facing dog only makes me feel like I might be using my five minutes of savasana to run to the toilet. We’ve gotten to the point that we’re ruining the experience of alcohol consumption for a grabby social media caption, which is really, truly lamentable.
When it comes to alcohol, it’s time to go back to the basics. We need to stop drinking beer infused with soap suds and coffee infused with port wine and instead start drinking our alcohol for its originally intended purpose – our enjoyment.
I’m tired of always trying to up my alcohol game with the latest and greatest invention to get more and more likes on social media. Instead of experiencing my drinks through the number of likes I get electronically, I want to enjoy it the good, old-fashioned way again with 2-for-1 happy hour specials that give me just enough buzz to take the edge off of a long work week.
Let’s bring back a bottle of wine with dinner and Netflix or a couple of beers at an outdoor barbecue with our real-life friends and stop pretending we’re enjoying the weirdest new fad for a heavily-edited 3×3 virtual image.
I’m making a resolution here and now to stop drinking shitty alcohol with purposes that don’t make sense and go back to ordering the second cheapest glass of red wine with dinner. My Instagram likes might take a hit, but to actually enjoy my afternoon drink with people I actually want to see in real life? That’s the easiest trade-off I’ve made since I swapped out hunch punch for Sam Adams six years ago, and like then, I couldn’t be happier about that decision. .
Respond
Steph W.
Steph W. is a new Master's degree graduate with an intern's salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include attempting to trapping her boyfriend into marriage before he finds out how insane she is and pretending that Black Box wine tastes as good as the kind she could afford when she was gainfully employed. Send her tips for getting out of student debt at recruitchairtsm@gmail.com
@therecruitchair
Call me old fashioned but I think alcohol is for drinking not taking pictures of
Real talk. Anytime I see somebody post a picture of them with some ‘dessert’ drink, all I can think is there’s too much chocolate and ice cream in that to get me drunk.
Is it sad that all I can think about is the empty calories?
Am I the only one who thinks wine in a fridge water dispenser sounds ingenious?
But then I would have to drink water out of the tap. I am not living like a peasant in1800’s Russia. I didn’t graduate from a middle of the road state school with a 3.2 gpa to put up with that shit.
I thought the same way but i drink the swill that is the city of houston’s drinking water that comes out of the water fountain at 24hr fitness so….I’m low key a russian pleeb #evisceratetheproletariat
Sup? How about adding some Totinos pizza rolls to the ice cube dispenser?
I can get down with some pizza rolls, might have to switch it out for taquitos occasionally.
Taquito Tuesday? But hell no to frozen taquitos.
Go homemade or go home
Just say when girl and i’ll grab the tortillas.
Didn’t you hear? We can’t “sup” anymore.
Sup?
Triggered
Nah that sounds like something hoes would do.
Respect all women, bro.
Her name is financeHOE.
It’s her truth to live, not yours to judge.
Dude are you for real rn
Real as ever dawg. Women’s Day March changed my life.
Tru dat fam #cucksunite
Call me cuckasaurus rex.
Infusing coffee and wine sounds like a classy person’s FourLoko. Otherwise known as a terrible idea, but with a monocle on it.
whoa… classy people can 4Loko too… It’s the ultimate “go juice” for tailgating…
Give me a simple drink and good company (even if only my dog) over any Frankenstein’s monster concoctions
One of my goals in life is to be like my 78-year old uncle, who can have a shot of vodka and a piece of bread with butter, repeated about 6-7 times, for lunch and then go on about his day.
Ya.. that’s called being an alcoholic
Nope, it’s called being Russian.
Bud light was my first love…I still drink it almost every weekend.
You know what’s instagrammable AND delicious? Margs. Bring back the #marglife
This article hits close to home. I think I got QB-Sneaked last weekend.
Either that, or I really got after it at unlimited brunch.
We have brewery yoga every Sunday and it’s my favorite way to ease into Monday. A sunny 1 o’clock outdoor yoga sesh and then as soon as meditation starts, servers come and put that week’s beer in your hand.