It’s Not Even February And My PTO Is Spoken For

It’s Not Even February And My PTO Is Spoken For

Recently, the Mrs. went on a spending spree for home improvements. Nestled in the purchased items were some cool magnets for the fridge. You see, the front of my fridge is covered in my friends’ kids’ pictures, Christmas cards, and Save the Dates.

What I really wanted more than anything this morning was to parlay MLK day into a four day weekend. What better way to start a week then to have it be only three days long? The only problem is I have weddings in Denver, Pittsburgh and Nashville in the next seven months. Where I work, we get 15 days a year and no sick days.

Remember those Save the Dates I mentioned? They are actually reminders of “Hey, you don’t have any paid time off this year.” This would be fine, if this wasn’t the third year out of three that I’ve had a big boy job and weddings have completely destroyed my time off reserves.

I know, I know. “No one says you have to go.” I wish this were the case. The Mrs. is a bridesmaid in one, I am a groomsman in another and the third is a coworker’s wedding. Not just any coworker, either. My work wife is getting married. She already knows I skipped out on our mutual coworker’s wedding to party, so I can’t really do that to her. Not that I’d want to either.

I could always make it a vacation right? Last time I did that, we paid $500 for a three day stay on an exclusive island. My friend’s wife roped him into having a destination wedding and the island was sweet. The only problem was they were completely ill prepared for the wedding. Nothing was in order, the flowers were not arranged, the centerpieces were a mess, and the entire wedding was a cluster fuck.

Me and the Mrs. had to help set everything up rather than play around and check out the historic island, and to top it all off, I had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn hungover as shit to catch the ferry the next day, only to enjoy a 10 hour ride home. I did get to see some dolphins and went to Bojangles, so I had that going for me which is nice.

It wouldn’t be so bad if there weren’t some concerts I want to see, and well, money I want to save. Considering how much weddings cost, both to put on and to attend, it doesn’t look like I’ll have a savings account for quite a while. Between student loans taking up 30% of my paycheck, these weddings and the few concerts I want to go to, I’m financially fucked.

I can’t even take a day off after the concert to get rowdy because I am strapped for hours. At the rate our classic rock stars are dying, I made sure to jump on The Who, even though it’ll be just Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend from the original lineup. I hope my boss doesn’t expect much the next day, but she was in high school when Quadrophenia was dropped, so I think she’ll understand.

At least I actually enjoy weddings. I’m a pretty friendly guy and I’ve already calculated I will be the best man in at least one to two more weddings and a groomsman in at least five. Those $300 J. Crew suits really add up over time.

Sure, I’ve “motherfucked” people over how much their weddings cost, but friendship and watching my friend’s matrimony, varying from “she’s a great catch” to giving real time Vegas odds on their divorce, is usually worth the money. The meltdowns, unforeseen circumstances and strange happenings are always a good laugh, and I am definitely one to enjoy a Schadenfreude. Weddings generally bring out the best in people. At one wedding, one of the groomsmen knocked over an entire container of holy water. Watching the bride’s mom turn into a dragon, screaming at him, along with his uncle drunkenly throwing ice cubes down women’s shirts and the ensuing fallout was totally worth the cost of admission.

It’s a sad day for me, knowing unless I am dying, my days off from now until the end of the year are few and far between. My one “vacation” will be visiting home for Fourth of July. This one day of PTO that isn’t claimed by a wedding will be used to go back home and do my biannual penance for moving away. It’d be great to go to the beach, enjoy the weather and get some boogie boarding in. Sadly, I will be stuck at my family barbecue, which isn’t that bad, but it doesn’t beat the Jersey Shore. This is also not true, because last time I took a 4th of July beach trip, I sat in traffic for three hours, it rained the entire time at the beach, and I am fairly sure some hoodlums stole my Ray Bans. Here’s to 2016 being a wedding filled, no time off Charlie Foxtrot.

Image via Shutterstock

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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