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I abide by more than a few rules when we’re talking about approaching girls. There are just certain places where you need to just shut up and keep your head down because walking into a gym and trying to spit game at a hard eight while she’s doing squats is HUGE no-no. No girl I know wants to get hit on in a MRSA infested gym with their hair up in a messy bun while sweating and smelling like an animal. I’ve heard rumors that girls who wear their hair down at the gym are fair game, but I’m pretty sure that’s an urban legend.
I’ve never met a single guy who has successfully gotten a date while working out at a Gold’s. I’ve heard tales of guys picking up girls on public transportation before but I’d never have the balls to do it. Trying to make small talk with a girl fresh off a shitty day at the office seems intrusive, and if you fail, imagine how awkward the rest of your ride is going to be as you stand there in silence next to a girl who just rejected you. That is nightmare fuel if I’ve ever heard of it.
Hollywood tells us that to pick up a nice girl you could take home to meet your mom, you need to be frequenting pumpkin patches, apple orchards, artisan coffee shops, and parks with lush shrubbery and manicured lawns. But if we’re being realistic here, what single man in their 20s do you know personally who would spend a precious Saturday at one of the places I just listed? The answer is that you know exactly zero mid-20s dudes who would go to any one of those places. I spend most Saturdays sipping coldies near bodies of water or at a watering hole – there’s now way I’m giving that up to go to a fucking pumpkin patch.
So what is a single male seeking companionship to do? I think I may have the answer, I’m just not totally sure it’s acceptable. I go to the grocery store every Sunday to get food for the week. Bananas, bread, and milk are constants in my cart despite the fact that 75% of the time all three go bad before I can finish them off. Someone needs to start making half-loaves of bread for single people because eating an entire loaf of bread in one week is damn near impossible. Bananas are the biggest scam that grocery stores have going, but expiration dates and perishable foods are a story for a different day.
What I’d like to know is if it is socially acceptable to hit on a woman in the grocery store. I’ve heard tell from a variety of people that the Austin Whole Foods, which happens to be Whole Foods flagship store (not a big deal but kind of a big deal), is a magical place crawling and teeming to the brim with top-notch talent. But you have to imagine most of the girls shopping there on a weeknight are fresh out of a class at Pure Barre, right? Like is it okay to hit on a girl post-workout at a place that isn’t the gym but still sort of sweaty or is that off limits too? These are the questions that keep me lying awake at night. Will I someday tell my kids that I met their mother in the cereal aisle of an H-E-B in South Austin?
In theory, walking up to a random girl in the produce section at your local stop and shop sounds fucking amazing. I usually have my headphones in, sunglasses securely on because I’m rocking a category 4 hangover every Sunday. But let’s say I keep “Enya’s Greatest Hits” at home next weekend and the Wayfarers in my car. I would want this to happen organically. I don’t want to start going to the grocery store just to creep up on girls while they’re trying to buy ingredients for a cobb salad. I guess the play here is to stop being a hungover, anti-social freak when I’m getting my groceries for the week ahead. Someday I could be sitting on a patio and smoking a cigar saying “Yes, John Jr., your mother and I reached for the same Frosted Mini-Wheats box and it was love at first sight.” .