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I wish I could say “Asking for a friend” when I ask this question, but I’m definitely not. I have no work friends. I’m beyond the point of worrying if people will think I’m a little bit off because of it because the answer is yes — yes, I am, but I’m not sure this particular reason is the reason why.
You see, it’s not like I’m actively avoiding the people at my work in a sketchy manner or am a total Dwight Schrute oddball. I say hi, I ask how everyone’s weekend went (and lie about what I did on mine — 1 glass of wine or 10, white lies don’t count, right?), and everyone is so nice and polite and friendly. I like the people I work with, I really do. I just have never once “hung out” with anyone outside of work. Not even for the occasional after-work beer. I don’t think anyone here does that — they all have kids or husbands or even grandkids to get home to.
When I first started here, I was told the average age at the company was 58. The division I work in is also on the higher end of that range too. Does this contribute to the fact that I don’t have work friends? I mean, I think so? I was completely aware of this coming in and came here for the opportunity presented, not to make a bunch of “besties.” The only people within my age range are in different departments and we just don’t cross paths that much. That coupled with the fact that there are only about four or five of us that even fall into the “millennial” category doesn’t exactly set me up for success.
But then again, I always find myself wondering whether or not I’m just making excuses to make myself seem less psycho? Do I just not make enough of an effort? Is this really normal? I really don’t know and I just can’t convince my overly anxious brain one way or the other. A small voice leaks in occasionally telling me that I’m just far too socially awkward and should definitely make more of an effort. Other people, the majority of people (especially my age), have work friends. Normal people have work friends my brain tells me.
As much as this makes it seem different, I promise I don’t obsess about this 24/7. It’s just those moments when someone in my college friends group chat tells a funny story about a coworker who had a few too many at the company happy hour or when I’m hanging out with my old college friends on one of the rare weekends we get to see each other and they bring along a new work pal, that I just can’t help but wonder if my work situation is normal. Do other people have this same problem and no one talks about it because no one wants to come across as the weird one, or is it really just me and I’m certifiably crazy — or, at the very least, “a bit odd”?
As much as it sometimes wanders across my brain that it might be, in fact, a bit odd that I don’t have work friends, I just can’t seem to make myself make that extra effort and seek that sort of closer relationship with one or a few of my fellow coworkers. I do realize that I could fix (or at least attempt to fix) that little voice in my head. But I think about it and then I shrug it off because overall, I like my job. I don’t dread coming to work (except Tuesdays, the worst day of the week). I like who I work with and the work that I do and outside of work is just as good. I have my college friends I see semi-regularly and text off and on all week. I have a solid routine throughout the week and when I think about disrupting it, I get slightly anxious, and think “Meh, not worth it.” I’m pretty happy but maybe I’m just happily oblivious? You tell me. You know what, maybe don’t. If I start getting work friends to actually grab a beer with I’ll miss out on prime time with my dog. I’ll take being a psychopath over that any day of the week. .
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HA! Imagine having enough friends to label them as personal or work friends. At this point I’m just excited when the cashier at Trader Joe’s talks to me about the weather.
Only time I hung out with a coworker outside of work was my last day at my previous job, and I grabbed a beer with the janitor because he was the realest dude in the building
name checks out
Nah, it’s fine. At the end of the day, you’re there to make money, not to make friends. Plus, unless people REALLY click with their work friends, those supposed “friendships” fizzle out within some time after someone changes jobs and you realize you don’t have all that much in common now that you can’t bitch about Susan in HR. As long as you’re cordial with your coworkers and your work performance doesn’t suffer because of the age gap, you’re good.
Thanks Bill, definitely think I needed hear this too, started a new job 3 months ago, and have been having the same feelings and am in the same boat as becks.
“Susan in HR” had me shook because the head of HR at my work’s name is actually Susan. She is the closest thing I have to a work friend and she’s in her early 60s.
I treat the people I work with the same way I treated the guy I lived with freshman year of college. You don’t need to become best friends with them but you should at least get along and coexist peacefully.
I wish I could relate. You don’t have work friends because you just don’t and that’s okay. I don’t have work friends because I’m pretty sure they all hate me
First 6 months I worked here I brought in cookies or doughnuts once a month/every 3 weeks just so that they would like me. Bribery, it works every time. They may not be my friends per se but they definitely can’t completely hate me.
I’ve brought in coffee and muffins several times, unfortunately the only thing they want me to bring in is a birth certificate that says I’m 20+ years older than I actually am
I don’t really agree with this. Your coworkers are assumed to be normal, functioning adults. As such, when you first start working, they should probably give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re a good person and respect you accordingly, unless you give them a reason to think otherwise. I don’t get why you need to bribe them with treats. You wouldn’t bribe people to be friends with you so why would you bribe your coworkers in order to be cordial with you? Being cordial with coworkers is typically an unspoken part of a job description.
Or maybe I’m totally off and I’ve just been fortunate to work with really good people, both the same age as me and 15-20 years older.
I agree on the point of being cordial, but I wanted them to like me, which I view as a little different than just being cordial. You do make a good point though. And they definitely were perfectly nice before the treats (like I say in the article, I really do like everyone I work with), I just wanted to sweeten the deal a bit I suppose. Though I will say it was pure bribery with the IT guys who’s offices are next to mine. They put your sole value on how much food you bring in (and are also my favorite people in the office).
Sup?
I only work with my secretary and she’s like 40 years older than me so anything past work is really basically a no go or else I just end up looking disinterested in her grandkids that she raves about 24/7.
GILF?
Farrrrr from it.
I was in a similar situation. When I started my new job, I was the first person my company had hired in years, and was the youngest employee by at least 20 years. And while everyone was very friendly, I wasn’t really able to hang out with them outside of work. I didn’t really have work friends for the first year and a half I worked here, until the company started hiring more people around my age.
So, you’re not a psychopath. You’re just not in a position to make friends who you can socialize with outside of work.
Yeah it’s not weird with that age gap.
I’d try to pick out one person to perhaps be a little extra friendly towards because you’ll need someone for recommendations.
I always thought I had some sort of issue with making work friends because I’d always been the sole intern at my previous jobs and never hit it off with older co-workers. However, I work with a lot of people my age now that I consider my work friends. I think it’s really more about environment than social skills for most people.
My first job out of college was at a staffing agency that boasted having a “beer in the office on Thursdays” kind of culture that naturally draws in a lot of early-mid twenty year olds. While I met some pretty cool people and went to a lot of fun after work events, I had zero work/life balance that my work friends became pretty much my only friends. The company I’m at now I may be the youngest in my department by a good 15 years, but it feels great knowing that I’m not running into these people at the bars or that anything I said outside of the office will be held against me in office.