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Last week, I celebrated my worst birthday yet. The big two-six. Not only are there no positives to this age, I am now officially off my parents’ insurance and have to drop a significant chunk of my own paycheck on basically keeping my own decrepit body alive. What I’m trying to say is, I’m old, and my friends are old too. Because of this, there has been more and more talk of “life plans.” The group of idiots that I was shotgunning beers with just a few years ago are now starting to move in with their significant others and shop for rings. At least, that’s the order I assumed everyone would do it in, until recently.
I was talking with a friend of mine and found out that her plan is to be engaged before she and her boyfriend move in together. While this originally seemed like a backwards move, she explained to me her reasoning, and now I’m not sure how I feel. My original thought process was that moving in together is basically the last step in seeing if you’re compatible enough to get married to someone, but now, I can’t be sure. Let’s break down both sides of this issue.
Being roommates with your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t easy. There’s normal roommate shit to deal with, like fighting over cleaning the bathroom, and then there’s the special fights that can only be had when you’re both living and having sex with someone. How much alone time do you each get? Is the other person going to get offended when they want to hang out but you just want to watch three hours of YouTube videos such as, “Hockey’s hardest hits 2002-2003?” What if one of you isn’t feeling well but the other wants to have friends over? Whose shows take precedent on the DVR? This is serious stuff, guys. My asshole is puckering just thinking about some of the screaming matches that will occur. That’s why, in my mind, living together has to be the logical step before getting engaged.
How do you really know you want to marry someone before you know for sure you can live with them? I know “love conquers all,” but let’s be real. You can love someone with all your heart and still be incompatible roommates. Jesus, what if they’re one of those psychos that keep the A/C at like 63 degrees instead of a comfortable 72? I like to think of my relationship as pretty strong, but I’m fully convinced if I was forced to be cold in my own home, I would break up with my girlfriend within three shivering weeks. Asking your partner to live with you is basically saying, “I see myself marrying you in the future, but logically, I must see how compatible we are as roommates before I commit to that.” If you’re in a healthy relationship with a live-in partner, realistically, you’re already married. The only difference is spending tens of thousands of dollars on a shiny rock and a party (a concept I’m not thrilled about, but that’s fodder for another column).
However, my friend’s point of view is very different. She agrees that cohabitation can be a very difficult step, and she thinks that being engaged prior to living together gives your relationship a better chance of survival. In her words, “I need to know that we’re already committed to getting married so we don’t break up over some petty roommate shit.” Basically, living together is too serious of a step to take with someone that hasn’t already committed to wanting to marry you, and living together before making that commitment makes it more likely to break up over the stress of sharing an apartment.
I see where she’s coming from. I really do. I just disagree with her on how people (and relationships) work. If you’re in a relationship that has reached the point of wanting to live together (very serious), and you’re still worried that you could break up over the strain of cohabitation, I don’t think a ring is going to save you. If anything, it would make both parties feel trapped, and avoid a breakup until two years after the wedding, when they end up getting divorced. She sees the engagement ring as an extra level of commitment that will help deter against a breakup, and I see it as a Band-Aid that will hold off a breakup until a few years into the marriage, which is much worse.
My second issue with her plan is that there’s not many exciting steps left in relationships, and I’d rather spread them out as much as I can. Moving in together is exciting. Getting engaged is exciting. After that, there’s getting married, buying a house, having kids, and maybe retiring together? All exciting, but shit, that’s only six steps left to spread out over the next 60 years. If you combine two of those into one by getting engaged and then immediately moving in together, you’re just not maximizing your big life events. I’m feeling moving in together, waiting a year or two, then the engagement. Stretch that puppy out for a year and a half, then you have the wedding, then a few more years before the house and kids. It’s too easy to get stuck in a rut, you have to save some of those big moments for when you need them.
After this careful analysis (read: 1000-word stream of consciousness narrative), I still stand by my original opinion. I’m convinced getting engaged before you live together is a crazy move. Let me know what you think in the comments..
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Brb, going to Youtube “Hockey’s hardest hits” for every year of the 2000s
I got married 10 years ago, so things were a little different back then (mostly economically, we were making OK money right out of college, realize that’s not a thing now). That said, we had mild family pressure to not live together, but I was never in any hurry to. Frankly, I had the rest of my life to live with my wife, and mere months to bach it. I was in no hurry to give that up. Also, we had dated long distance for a time, so we spent several weeks “living” together at a time on visits, so there weren’t going to be any major surprises in that department. Bottom line is, every case is different, a blanket rule is silly.
Stopped reading when you said you like the AC at 72. Mine’s set at 60 and yes, that hurts when it comes to electric but it’s the price I pay for comfort. My girlfriend sleeps under the comforter in a sweatshirt. Meanwhile I’m generally under a sheet in minimal clothing. How do people sleep in such a warm environment?
I’m a 68 guy. Wife likes it 70. We compromise at 69. Natch.
69. Nice.
Also, PGP Instagram should post one of those stories with the yes/no vote thing to see where everyone stands on hot or cold (aka see how many lunatics who like it hot associate with us)
Where do you keep the thermostat in Houston during the summer? I’m a 72 guy but with a ceiling fan running 24/7.
I have shutters, and apparently great insulation cause we keep it at 76 and I’m chilly most of the time.
I’m a 72 during the day, 68 at night guy for Houston summers. That’s also because I’ve always lived in apartments, we’ll see how it goes in an older house next summer
72 while home with every fan on medium. I can be half in and half out of the covers this way and it seems to be the perfect middle ground of dying of heat stroke under the covers or freezing on top.
78 during the day, 74 at night. Bf likes it at 68 at all times. Been living together for 5 months, dating for 7 years…it is our biggest argument.
My mother-in-law is a 78’er and my wife now calls before we come over to demand she lower it to 74. She often tries to cheat and put it at 76, but I know better when I’m sweating in her living room. Y’all are reptilian monsters.
Nice
Sadly we share this world with some lunatics that prefer to sleep warm
I didn’t know this was a debate. I can’t imagine it being 60 fucking degrees in my living space. People can’t be comfortable in your home when they come over.
Drops to 70 for sleeping, and even then I’m covered in my living room with a blanket. 60 is a total psycho move for multiple reasons.
What are these multiple reasons? I’m a big google guy and a simple google search says the lower the temperature, the deeper the sleep. If I wake up cold, I’ll just go under another layer. If I wake up in a pile of sweet, I’m dead for the rest of the day.
60 as a set point is bad for multiple reasons:
The lower the temp, the harder it is to control humidity. Humidity can damage sheet rock, cabinetry, wood floors, etc. Also, your normal AC unit is not designed to handle that low of a set point. It’s probably not sized to be able to get that cold in the summer anyway. So you’re just wasting electricity by it running all the time. You are also killing the lifespan of your unit. I hope you rent or are not responsible for repair bills/replacement costs when the unit goes out. If so, get ready to get your check book out.
Source: I’m a mechanical contractor with a degree in engineering.
Running it @ 60 for the 7 hours I sleep. Otherwise it’s on energy saver 68. This is also just the bedroom unit (have had the same one for 6 years). I’ll take your statement under advisement.
1. That’s just unnecessary as an expense. Keeping it that low just seems like wasted money (but if you like it, then you like it). 2. I’m all for being cold over hot, but 60 inside is shivering temperature. But again, if that’s you, that’s you.
I agree, to each their own. But it’s not even that I like it, it’s an actual need. Much like water and daily nutrients. Maybe I’m borderline dead from years of wear of tear.
60 degrees is great if you want to wear a coat, hat, and ski socks inside year round. Psycho.
The AC is on 72 in hell
Windows cracked open right now, no A/C or heat on, chilling at 63 – 66. You get better sleep when it’s cool because science.
This guy gets it. I’d let you manage a project or two.
Agreed. We keep our house at about 64 in the summer, and about 61 in the winter. I can add layers, but I can only take so many off.
Always go cold. Sweaters are comfortable.
We waited until a few weeks before our wedding to “officially” live together and besides the wedding/honeymoon, moving in together after waiting has been the most exciting part of the past few weeks
Also, it’s a sin to live together before marriage you guys
Is it more of a sin to have sex out of wedlock with your girlfriend or to live with a female roommate that you’re not (yet) sleeping with?
A sin is a sin, but sex with the girlfriend is a way more enjoyable sin
Butt*
The Book of Mathew says, “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” so you’re screwed either way. However, it continues, “If your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away,” so I think we should all just choose to ignore bits and pieces of the Good Book.
I agree. We did pretty much the same thing. There was still a small high after all the wedding shenanigans. Besides, I knew her well enough that none of her living habits were shocking / deal breakers.
Lol it’s a sin just to be born so maybe they should rethink that whole pro life stance. Also, marriage is a binding contract that stifles the life out of your private parts to again, maybe they should rethink that whole pro life thing from an outside perspective or hire a better marketing agency to rebrand their shit. I know everything and absolutely nothing at the same time, guys
Fun fact: original sin doesn’t imply any sort of guilt in many demonations, including Catholicism, meaning that no one is born into sin. Man is punished for Adam’s transgressions by suffering death and not being born into holiness, but there is no sin or guilt in being born. Depends on how you translate/read the whole thing.
-Devout Agnostic
maybe it’s because i’m old now (32), but i totally agree with this lol
I take my faith very seriously and went to a private Christian university. Naturally, most of my friends are like me and no one in my circle has moved in with their SO before marriage. In fact, many did not have sex before marriage either. They all have fantastic marriages and healthy sex lives. I can only think of a couple who don’t but they had an expiration date the day they started dating lol. Whether or not a relationship works isn’t about how well you live as roommates. Its about waking up every day and committing to putting them first. Before you, your boss, your family, your priorities. And it’s about knowing they’re doing the same so both partners needs are being met. That way when you do move in together, you want to put your spouse first so you work to change those habits that drive them nuts and they do the same for you.
My wife and I moved in together before getting married, but it was after I knew I would propose. I would never move in with a girlfriend if I wasn’t sure of it.
I like this approach the best. My wife and I “lived in sin” for about 6 months before I proposed but on move in day I knew the engagement was coming.
I am all on the side of getting married before moving in together. I hear compatibility all the time as the reason but I want to know situations when someone moved in and found out issues that weren’t obvious from just staying over at his/her house several times a week. I knew right away with the girls I’ve dated whether we were compatible. You can see how clean they keep the apartment and general sleep habits etc. Also, moving in together reduces the incentive to get married. Lots of friends have been living together 4+ years with no engagement/marriage on the horizon. Not a situation I would want to be in
Agreed. Are people really able to hide crazy, deal-breaker habits from their significant others that they’re spending multiple nights a week with? I spend about 75% of my nights with my boyfriend of 3 years. We’ve traveled together extensively and spend holidays with each other’s families.
We don’t live together, but I’m hardly ignorant to his snoring or other unfortunate habits. Nor is he ignorant to mine. For now, I’m enjoying my last few years living with my best (girl) friend. I look forward to being married as being the big shift in our relationship where we actually share an address. Otherwise, as you said, what’s really the point in getting engaged/married if you basically already act like you are?
Yes it’s crazy. Batshit crazy. You don’t really know how compatible you are with someone until you come home to them after work, utterly exhausted and starving. You also don’t really know someone until you’ve spent a significant time with them doing nothing. You don’t know their sleeping habits, cleanliness standards, etc.
It would really suck to date for years and get married, only to realize that you two are incompatible because she’s a night owl and loves to watch TV in bed before sleeping or because you like the house 6 degrees colder than she does.
And say what you want, but you really can’t compare being over at each other’s houses frequently or traveling together to actually living together because at the end of the day, being at one of your houses is temporary and will end once you go home. However, once you two live together, that is home so you either have to find ways to compromise and make it work, or get out. But on the bright side, if you can make it all work, you’ll probably have a good and successful marriage.
My husband and I were completely long distance when we were dating, and engaged. I moved in with him about two months before our wedding.
He was in a really intense 3 year long training with the military, and was too busy/working too hard for us to have tried to live together and attempted normalcy in that time.
Specific circumstances, I guess. But it made living together really exciting, and the small amount of time we got together was less stressful than if I had been down there while he was navigating that training.
Dated one girl whose room had more clothes on the ground then carpet. I’m not getting engaged to someone before shit like that gets fixed.
Serious question though: Do you really need to live with someone to find out something like that? I’ve honestly never seen a situation where it didn’t work out after moving in together when there weren’t already some pretty big red flags beforehand.
I would argue that if you’ve been in that situation multiple times, then it did not work out at least once.
Was referring to friends’ relationships. I personally haven’t ever lived with a significant other.
*Than
How people can live like that, I’ll never understand.
What’s bad is for my wife, it’s a daily routine. Make a huge mess getting ready, clean it at the end of the day. Real wild stuff
My wife does this with the kitchen. She’ll eat breakfast / lunch, leave the dishes in the sink all day, cook dinner without cleaning anything up along the way, then sit down to eat with piles of dishes in the sink. It drives me insane.
Mine too. And when I clean up after myself and leave her dishes in the sink where she left them, I’m the jerk, apparently.
Your friend sounds like she’s probably awful to live with, so she wants to cuff up her man to make sure he doesn’t have an out after they move in together
Nah, she cool.