======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I don’t even know what you’d call this era. The ‘Modern Love’ Era? The ‘Post-Modern Love’ Era? The ‘Don’t You Dare Call Me Instead of Text Me’ Era? I’m not sure, but either way, I am sure that the rules of modern love simply don’t apply to dating anymore.
Before first dates, I made it a habit of listening to the My Girl soundtrack. My Girl came out in 1991, when car phones still weren’t even all that common. But the movie’s namesake song by The Temptations came out in 1964 when people were more likely to have dance cards in their pockets than credit cards. Dating consisted of talking face-to-face, getting set up by a friend, or meeting while twisting-and-shouting on a dance floor. You know, pretty much the opposite of how everyone operates today – texting, meeting on a dating app, or making out on a dance floor while a shitty rap song makes it difficult for you to exchange even names.
I’m not saying either means of finding a partner is the correct way to do it. Being compatible with someone is more unlikely and difficult than it is to land your dream job. If you figure out a way to do it through good old-fashioned conversation, I applaud you. If you need to rapidly swipe through every person within a 200-mile radius with an age range between 18-45 years old, so be it. I’m not here to tell anyone how to date because I’m certainly no expert. As someone who got a bloody lip from braces the first time he made out with someone, it’s simply not my job to tell you how to love.
But love’s angry ex is, obviously, heartbreak. I’m not sure how 1991 or 1964 handled breakups. I assume a conversation or phone call sufficed. There were probably some awkward run-ins in diners where one person assumed they were going to share a milkshake while the other decided it was time to stop going steady. Some people probably went home and listened to an REM tape while sitting down in a cold shower. I don’t know and I don’t care to know because breakups are normally hell.
What I do know is that, in this day and age, it’s generally not acceptable to break up with someone through any means that don’t require spoken words. And while I do think an email comes off as impersonal, cold, and shallow, I truly don’t see the issue with cutting ties with someone through a simple blue-bubbled text message.
When relationships are in their infancy, the largest amount of communication you have with one another is going to exist through typing. You can say that you’re chivalrous and that you’re more likely to pick up a phone than you are to text someone about grabbing dinner, but you’re a liar. We look at screens more than we look at eyes and that’s just a fact. Congratulations if you’re an outlier, but I’m not talking to outliers – I’m talking to everyone else.
Is ending a relationship the same way as the way you started it really that taboo? It just seems weird to me that most people in their dating prime are willing to sleep with someone after exchanging some texts but aren’t willing to call it quits using the same means. After all, your first kiss or sexual encounter is normally a much bigger life event than your first breakup.
If you tell someone that you dumped someone through a text message, you’re going to look like an asshole. That’s just a fact. And if you tell someone that you were dumped through a text, people are going to scorch the other person off the face of the earth over a shared bottle of wine on the couch. That’s even more of a fact. But I’m just simply not convinced that using text messages to end a relationship is the worst possible way to call it quits.
This isn’t a high and mighty declaration about the “delicate snowflakes” out there who can’t handle getting dumped through a text message. Admittedly, I’m a delicate snowflake when it comes to relationships. I’m mushy. I treat first dates like romantic comedies. And yes, I’ve been dumped through a text message before. And honestly, it was easier that way.
This methodology isn’t for the overly invested. If you have your things at one another’s apartments, you naturally won’t be prone to ending things through text messages because that’s simply not in the run of play for you. There would obviously have to be a conversation that occurs after that would remove the phrase “a clean break” from the equation.
This is for the relationships that fall in the one-month-to-six-month range. The relationships where you still haven’t felt everything out and are getting used each other’s nuances and intricacies. I’m talking about the type of relationship where you’re still apt to fight via texts underneath a dinner table at a group dinner rather than have the peace of mind to sort things out after.
There’s a high chance that you planned your first date through a series of text messages where each of you jockeyed for position. And on the off chance that you established this in person or one the phone, well, you’re probably the type to break up in person or on the phone because that’s more your style. But you simply can’t be furious that someone fires off a 9 p.m. Sunday text that reads, “I just don’t see this going anywhere,” when that’s how it all began in the first place.
I’m not going to condone ghosting or breadcrumbing or whatever other kind of weird relationship terminology Elite Daily has drummed up to justify being a shitty person, but I’m also not going to condemn someone for having a blunt conversation in place of an overwrought one that’s not going to go anywhere. If the person doesn’t hold you to a high enough esteem that they don’t tell you to your face, you should probably be okay with that person exiting your life anyway.
And if not, just curl up with a bottle of red and My Girl and pray that the other party dies from bee stings. That works too. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Totally depends on the length of your relationship. That being said, dumping someone through a text is weak and something a 15 year old girl would do. Having the balls and dignity to look someone in the eye and say what you mean is an undervalued skill that you will be thankful is in your arsenal.
Absolutely yes. So much respect for this.
#blessed
I was going to roast you over this hot take, but I somehow find myself agreeing with you, although I’m going to say 1-3 months. After that, at least hit them with a “are you free for me to call, we need to talk” text. Of course, they’re going to say no and then you can do it over text (unless you’re an insane person like me who ends up talking to the same girl for 8 hours on the phone)
That’s fair. I’m willing to negotiate on the timeframe.
I’d say the timeframe isn’t as important as certain milestones in the relationship.
There’s that word again, “take”
I think it all depends on whether you’ve had “the talk.” If your break up is post “talk,” then yes, you’re a dick/bitch for breaking up via text. However, if it’s before, than whatever. You hadn’t yet discussed what you two were, if anything, and thus don’t really owe each other anything.
I fail to understood the notion of “owing,” after seeing it used this way.
Real question, if you don’t “owe” the person you wanted to give a shot to, does anyone owe anything to anyone?
This is the most beta take you’ve ever made. If you can’t breakup with a girl/guy face to face, it’s cuz you’re a pansy. You’re too much of a wimp to stand up to the person and possibly be hit or embarrassed while breaking up with them, so you hide behind a cell phone. People like you suck and are the reason why our generation looks like a bunch of pussy bitches. Be a man for once, DeFries. I didn’t die for your sins to deal with this shit.
Brb. Going to chase tail throughout spring and summer. Ttyl in October.
I agree with this, obviously not in a serious relationship, but if you’ve only gone out a few times it’s for sure less of a dick move than ghosting.
There’s not really a right or wrong way. A couple of years ago, my bf of 8 months drove up 1.5 hrs on a Friday to see me for the weekend. Spent Friday night together, went to dinner, did normal things… then Saturday before lunch, he was giving me the speech. He’d been planning it the entire time.
I was pissed that he “went through the motions” on Friday when he knew he’d be dumping me the next day. Then again, had he done it over text, I would have been equally pissed at that too. So, there really wasn’t a right way, and it sucked for all parties involved.
“went through the motions” is translated as she was wined, dined and did the sex. Ultimately, upset about the latter of the 3. Congrats to the dude on the sex.
I agree, especially with the relationships in their infancy reasoning. At the end of the day, I don’t really care how you breakup for the most part. Just be upfront and honest about it and don’t be a jerk.
Yeah, if there’s one thing I hate it’s when a girl gives me some bullshit excuse like she’s not ready to date or she just reconnected with someone she went out with in the past, and then the next day I see her active on OkCupid. Just say plainly “you seem nice, but I don’t think we’re compatible.” I’d rather be ghosted then strung along.
6 months?? That definitely warrants in-person. Recently back into the dating game after a ~1 year relationship and found myself asking this very question to my buddies. Went out with a girl three times (drinks, dinner and casual Saturday night meet up) and just found myself not into it. I think 3 ‘dates’ is the threshold for not ghosting (imo) and basically just texted her you’re cool, not feeling much more of a connection and don’t think this will work between us, and left it at that. I think that if there’s more to the relationship (think met the parents, definitely dropping a hard L, and having sex (for some, not others)) you have to do in person. When I was recently dumped I knew the whole week going in what ‘we need to talk’ meant, but having in person closure is just a basic courtesy.
Bee’s are dying at an alarming rate so you better hope they get stung sooner than later.
Not entirely true. In 2015 we had the highest number of colonies in like 20 years. The ten year trend line growth looks very positive, and recent research on Colony Collapse Disorder should only help out more.