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Read our legendary Bachelorette recap here, and checkout Touching Base Podcast’s Bachelor recap on iTunes.
Welp, your boy is back from London and I got to be honest, I was missing The Bachelorette when I was on vacation. I’m thrilled to have Becca back in my life making dudes cry. Was this a particularly good episode of the show? That’s not for me to determine. I just eugoogolize these poor souls. This week, Becca buried three boys. I call them boys because there’s no way I can realistically call them men (talking specifically about David and Jordan here).
What Becca did to those boys on the two-on-one was gold Jerry gold. Put them both in the food processor and left them for dead. All they have left is Instagram fame. And Bachelor in Paradise.
So, plug in some Philip Glass (rolling with Metamorphosis Two), throw them a few IG follows, and as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
David, 25, venture capitalist/chicken from Denver, Colorado
The chicken man. The guy who fell off the top bunk! (What is this, summer camp?) Like seriously, what kind of adult falls out of bed?! Surely not someone worthy of Becca. To be honest, this guy played this game all wrong. He let Jordan rub him the wrong way and it trickled into every fiber of his being. You can’t win this game by talking about other dudes. Period. So David, here’s to you, you chicken suit wearing, bunk bed falling, moron.
Scope the caption! Jordan must be paying so much property tax on the real estate in David’s brain, it’s insane.
Jordan, 26, model from Crystal River, Florida
There is nobody on earth who loves themselves as much as Jordan, and that still somehow might be an understatement. I have to hand it to the guy though, he’s a literal quote machine Hall of Famer. Just this past week we got: “I can walk, I can talk,” and “What does the weekend look like for you? [“It depends,”] “Me too!” That was nuts. He’s the man with golden underwear. The man with more looks than a Paul Mitchell catalog. He’s the real-life Derek Zoolander.
John, 28, software engineer from San Francisco, California
There’s really not much to say about John other than he was like the third dude ever to work at Venmo so he’s GOT to be worth millions. Like, he may not have to ever work again. He’s also probablyyyy a bit of a weirdo if his Venmo money can’t get him a date in the real world. I’d say this guys is a bit of a catch though, no? Rich, he’s in great shape, and he came across on the show as relatively normal. I think he’ll be okay.
RIP..
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
I’m very surprised that Jordan doesn’t have a shaved chest.
Chest hair is in again. Haven’t you heard?
I just got paid 9000 bucks working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over 11k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. Start here now…. www.2Jobsday.com
Yeah but how’s her chest hair?
*waxed
These memorials make me really confused. Are there actually people out there who just post shirtless pictures only? Do they have other photos? Am I fat?
I wonder this as well. At what point? Level? Number of followers? Does it become acceptable to just throw up random shirtless photos?
Nah. In real life, it’s douchey. If I meet someone and their Instagram is all shirtless pics I usually feel like they’re unapproachable/too into themselves and I tend to lose interest. I guess it’s a little different if you’re a D list celeb but I think most women want relatable, generally clothed guys.
David is so cute; it makes me sad that he’s such a twat.