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Like all good Jewish boys, I’m very close with my mom. She’s the person I come to when I need job advice, friend advice, and most importantly, relationship advice. She’s been a fountain of guidance and knowledge throughout the years, but one of the most important things she ever told me was that “there is no such thing as ‘too soon’ in a relationship to ask the serious questions.” While I don’t believe that’s entirely true (talking about kids on a first date is a great way to not get a second one), I do agree that many people put off make-or-break conversations in a relationship until it’s too late.
By the time you’re three months into a relationship, you should have a pretty good idea of whether it’s serious or not. You might not have dropped the L-bomb yet, but you should at least know whether that feeling is approaching or not. And if it is, you should know that it’s going to make it a hell of a lot harder to break up with that person, even for a valid reason. Before you get to that stage, you need to get some important conversations and questions out of the way, so you know, at the very least, that there are no deal-breakers in your relationship. Don’t wait until you’re a year, two years, or god forbid, married to discuss these things. Bring it up early, and get it over with. On the advice of the smartest woman I know, here’s what you should be asking:
Do you want kids?
This is the big one, for obvious reasons. Having kids is the biggest life decision you will ever make, and if you and your partner differ on your desire to have them, your relationship will not work. There are some things in relationships you can compromise on, and this is not one of them. A person who wants kids is never going to be happy having a childless life, and a person who doesn’t want them will hate being a parent. There are many upsides and downsides to both views, and neither are bad, but they are not compatible. Get this question out early, and get a definitive answer from both of you. This is not the time to lie to save the relationship, because it won’t work.
Will you want your kids to be raised religiously, and if so, how?
I think by now you can tell that the biggest decisions in a relationship pertain to having children. I know, when you’re three months into the honeymoon stage, asking about specific child-rearing tactics sounds crazy, but it’s not. It’s just smart. If you’re a devout Catholic, and the person you’re dating wants their kids to be raised without religion, that’s going to cause major problems. You need to be on the same page well before this issue naturally arises.
This conversation can also get very complicated, as both of you are forced to think, possibly for the first time, about how you would want your faith (or lack thereof) to get passed on to your family. I was raised religiously and culturally Jewish, and my girlfriend was raised casually Presbyterian, and it took several long, tough, and if we’re being honest, drunken conversations to figure out how we would want to raise our extremely hypothetical children. (We’re gonna celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Easter, and Passover. No church on Sundays and no synagogue on Saturdays, because they’re boring as fuck. We’re still in negotiations about the Bar Mitzvah/Baptism decisions).
What do you spend money on?
This is easier than the last two, but still very important. While it might seem like a no-brainer, this is one where you could easily get blindsided. Some people live frugally day-to-day so that they can travel as much as possible. Some people go shopping on their lunch breaks three times a week. One of my girlfriend’s friends just bought a $5,000 couch for her and her boyfriend’s apartment, which would be an instant breakup in my relationship.
It’s obvious that this misalignment in financial values would be a huge problem when you’re married and sharing a bank account, but it can be a major issue well before then. If you want to eat out at fancy restaurants every Friday while your partner allotted all their spending money to concert tickets, y’all aren’t going to hang out very often. And if you think you can figure this out without a specific conversation about it, you’re in for a rough surprise. Imagine being two years into a relationship, looking into moving in together, and your girlfriend tells you that she bought a couch for five fucking racks instead of saving that money for a European vacation or, like, an aboveground jacuzzi or something. Nightmare.
How often would you like to see your parents?
I know that sounds like the start of a kidnapper’s monologue, but it’s a valid question, especially if you live near them, and even more especially if their parents suck. If you’re the kind of person that only sees their parents on major holidays, getting roped into your partner’s family dinners every Sunday sounds like a horror story. On the other hand, if you’re super close with your parents, the idea of only seeing them four times a year is akin to being in prison. Luckily, this is one of the easiest questions to reach a compromise on.
Is eating in the bed acceptable?
This one’s not from my mom. It’s from me. You won’t find this question in any relationship guide, but goddamn it, it needs to be asked. If you don’t have this conversation early in a relationship, pretty soon you’re nearly three years in, talking about moving in together, and realizing that your girlfriend is a fucking monster who eats in bed constantly. And I’m not talking about, like, Starburst or stuff that doesn’t make a mess. Pretzels. Cookies. Ice cream. She once fell asleep with a piece of pizza in her hand. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Ask this question on date number one. Or be prepared to spend your hard earned paycheck on a two-bedroom so you can sleep in a non-crumb filled ant-infested nest of filth. Save yourselves..
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
“Are you okay with dating a guy who’s only interest is alcohol and makes a conscious effort to sport a chinstrap beard?”
Sign me up
“Do you eat ass?”
My offspring will worship the dark lord Cthulhu. Non negotiable.
I’m going to do a little sprinkle of Mormonism, a splash of Satanism, and a dash of Buddhism. I call it Biggumism. Hop on board, folks.
Which kind of satanism? Levayan, Satanic Temple, or csrtoonishly emo devil worship?
Which ever one praises the dark lord the most I guess. Or the emo one.
Yep, that’s the emo one.
In this house we worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster
What are you and your girlfriend going to do for your wedding (assuming it happens) since you’re Jewish and she’s Presbyterian? Also unless your girlfriend converts, no non-Reform Rabbi will do a Bar/Bat Mitzvah since your kid won’t be considered Jewish.
Religion can really suck sometimes (a lot of the time).
We’d do a non-religious wedding. But we’d have the Jewish chair dance because that shit is fun as hell.
Amen.
Unless your dad’s drunk buddy from college drops you. Honestly, not the worst part of my bar mitzvah.
My mom is a devout Catholic and dad is a non-religious Jew. They did a big church wedding because it is more important to my mom, but still held a smaller Jewish ceremony before the reception.
But did your dad have to be baptized? I recently had a catholic wedding. I had to prove my protestant groom was baptized. The documents given to me clearly stated the church will allow inter-christian faith (protestant/orthodox) marriages but not ones to those not baptized in Christ (Jews, Muslims, etc.).
He didn’t have to be baptized. To get church approval they had to raise me Catholic. It might depend on the church or priest though
Being raised Roman Catholic and having dated a Jewish girl, I can confirm that discussing how religiously to raise your hypothetical future kids and in which faith is a nightmare of a talk
Drugs are the new religion of the 21st century, guys. So, have that open bar wedding, get that marijuana medical card if you’re able to, buy local from your drug dealer/doctor because getting through life sober is just fucking dumb lol
My last relationship ended because of this for the most part.
I think a good question is where would you want to live in the future? For example, I live in Chicago now, but I think I want to settle down in a suburb somewhere. This could be depending on the kids questions as well
You should find out what temperature someone likes to keep the house at. It’s started more fights in my house than anything as serious as money or children.
*cough* Toddd
Was really hoping for a more interesting list of questions.
It’s more than how often you’ll want to see the parents. It’s where they live and how far you’re willing to go to visit them. My sister (who lives in a major city in the South) recently broke up with a guy because his parents lived on a ranch in South Dakota. “There is no way I’m spending my future Christmas holidays in the middle of nowhere surrounded by cows and snow.”
Meh. I know visiting my parents in BFE, Kansas isn’t a hub of culture and the weather sucks, but to be fair Cleveland isn’t where I’d prefer to spend my PTO either. We make our parents visit us here most of the time since there’s actually shit to do.
My good friend just had a girlfriend of 2 years dump him for the same reason. I just assume they don’t realize those are the guys that will inherit millions of dollars in assets by the time they’re 30
As far as what I’m looking for in a potential partner, hearing that as a reason for the break-up would make me think I dodged a huge bullet.
I was lucky my boyfriend was willing to relocate to where my family is, and we have relatively easy access to visiting his. Though tbh if mine leaves … who knows when they’ll be getting a visit. God knows I didn’t bother often when I lived halfway across the country.