I’m Officially Announcing That I’m Coming Back To Rage

I'm Back

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. Seems like we were just here talking about my retirement, but I’m very happy to announce today, with the support of my friends and family, that I will not only attend the Bolen wedding in June, but I will rage.

I’m back.

It’s been a very difficult three weeks for myself, as well as my friends and family. When I formally announced my retirement from raging three weeks ago, I never thought I’d be here, writing this, announcing my comeback. I was done, and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. I disappointed a lot of people that I care about, including myself, with my actions. But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned during these last few weeks of taking it relatively easy, and not going full throttle every chance I get, it’s this…

I need raging, and raging needs me.

I’m letting a lot of people down when I take it easy, and that’s not who I am. It’s also not what I’m about. You know, when it’s Saturday night and you and five other dudes are catching a ballgame, but you decide to bail afterward because you have no business going to a gentleman’s club, it really makes you think. For me, honestly, that was the moment when I knew. I wanted nothing more than to take that overpriced baseball beer buzz I had going and parlay it into a night of $6.95 ATM withdrawal charges, 20 dollar lap dances, and whorish glitter completely covering my Augusta National polo. But I didn’t. I went home and watched that one Vice about the Icelandic strongmen. That was the turning point.

As far as a timetable for my return, which I know you’re wondering about, it’s hard to set a date in stone for something like this. As I stated previously, my plan right now is to not only attend the Bolen Wedding next month, but also, to rage. I don’t think it’s out of the question to think that I’ll be on the dance floor for entire band sets at a time, stopping only to reload Jack and waters. Realistically, I think you’re going to see me out there for “Shout” with my shirt unbuttoned getting super low. I may even sneak a dance or two in with the bride depending on how everything else goes.

I’m ready.

I think it’s also important to acknowledge the possibility of a setback. Look, I’ve been doing this long enough to understand that setbacks happen, so I’m not going to be shocked if I pass out at the after party while standing up, or if I’m asked to leave by a bouncer somewhere along the way. But that’s not my focus. Right now, I’m just worried about getting the necessary reps in so that, when the time comes, I can get back out there and give it hell. I’ve been working with Trey, a former coworker of mine, and Mike, my pledge brother, on fundamentals — bottomless mimosas at brunch, multiple house margs at happy hour, and using NHL and NBA playoff games as excuses to throw down wings and beer, despite the fact that my teams were either eliminated in the first round, or missed the playoffs entirely. The important thing is that I’ve got the right people around me, and I’m seeing results.

When I look at my calendar, and by calendar I mean my fridge that’s covered in save-the-dates, I see opportunity. If you had asked me a month ago, you know, it probably would have been different. But I’m going to embrace the fact that I have three weddings, 2 bachelor parties, and a 4th of July booze cruise scheduled and paid for, and I’m going to get in there. My best years/year are/is in front of me, and I just can’t let that go to waste. So if you see me out at dinner, and it looks like I’m low key chilling with my wife and another couple, come on over to our table and invite me out to a bar afterward. Order me a Mambo Taxi, or whatever overly stout house drink you think I can’t handle any longer. See what happens. See what happens when you doubt me. Remember…

When I comeback like Jordan, wearing the 4-5, it ain’t to play games with you, it’s to aim at you.

Image via YouTube

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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