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You may have read today how Starbucks plans to phase out all plastic straws for its locations by the year 2020. However, your girl Jenna is ahead of the game – I’ve recently converted to carrying acrylic straws and using them at restaurants and with my beloved morning iced coffee. So why did I make this change? Was I so ahead of the times that I knew what Starbucks was going to do even before they announced it? I wish, because then I could quit working and just play Starbucks in the stock market. But alas, I am not that blessed. Instead, it all started a few weeks back with an interaction with a snooty waitress.
I was out at dinner with a friend in Portsmouth, New Hampshire when I ordered my usual restaurant beverage: a Diet Coke. Most of my friends consider a glass of wine with dinner to be standard operating procedure; however, I instead enjoy a good glass of caffeinated bubbly deliciousness. When the waitress delivered my drain cleaner/sparkling beverage, I naturally waited for her to put down the accompanying straw. I mean, how else am I supposed to drink a soda? So when she didn’t, I obviously asked for one and was startled by her reply.
“We’ve gone strawless. You know, for the environment?” she said in a tone that implies I am the kind of an asshole who doesn’t recycle or litters from my car window. Little does she know she’s talking to an environmental champion; I always hang my towels back up in a hotel so that they don’t get washed unnecessarily. So screw you, you hoity-toity minimum wage earner. But I had to admit that she had a point – I’ve read that plastic disposable straws really are an unnecessary strain on the environment. It must be true, because God said so.
You may be thinking, “Isn’t the obvious solution is just to go straw-free and just sip your drinks from a glass?” Actually, no. Because I am a self-admitted fucking disaster. I generally consider it a miracle if I make it through a meal without some food item landing on my “boob shelf;” my entire sleeping wardrobe consists of t-shirts and tank tops that I’ve stained during dining mishaps. So it’s definitely a tempting of the fates to lift a glass and tip it toward my face with the expectation that something will not wind up on my front. Thus, a straw is a necessary evil.
So what’s a girl who wants to obey Tom Brady and yet keep her chest stain free to do? Hit up Amazon and order a reusable straw set (with a cleaning brush; otherwise, it’s gross). An eight dollar investment to feel morally superior to plebeians using plastic straws and condescending “green” waitstaff while being eco-friendly? Totally worth it. So this morning, hours before Starbucks forced my hand, I rolled up to the drive-thru, ordered my iced coffee, declined the pro-offered straw and instead popped my reusable straw into my morning caffeine jolt. Ultimate environmental power move…which I obviously had to share with the world:
— Jenna (@JennaLCrowley) July 9, 2018
Because are you really an environmentalist if you don’t tweet about it?.