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You may have read today how Starbucks plans to phase out all plastic straws for its locations by the year 2020. However, your girl Jenna is ahead of the game – I’ve recently converted to carrying acrylic straws and using them at restaurants and with my beloved morning iced coffee. So why did I make this change? Was I so ahead of the times that I knew what Starbucks was going to do even before they announced it? I wish, because then I could quit working and just play Starbucks in the stock market. But alas, I am not that blessed. Instead, it all started a few weeks back with an interaction with a snooty waitress.
I was out at dinner with a friend in Portsmouth, New Hampshire when I ordered my usual restaurant beverage: a Diet Coke. Most of my friends consider a glass of wine with dinner to be standard operating procedure; however, I instead enjoy a good glass of caffeinated bubbly deliciousness. When the waitress delivered my drain cleaner/sparkling beverage, I naturally waited for her to put down the accompanying straw. I mean, how else am I supposed to drink a soda? So when she didn’t, I obviously asked for one and was startled by her reply.
“We’ve gone strawless. You know, for the environment?” she said in a tone that implies I am the kind of an asshole who doesn’t recycle or litters from my car window. Little does she know she’s talking to an environmental champion; I always hang my towels back up in a hotel so that they don’t get washed unnecessarily. So screw you, you hoity-toity minimum wage earner. But I had to admit that she had a point – I’ve read that plastic disposable straws really are an unnecessary strain on the environment. It must be true, because God said so.
You may be thinking, “Isn’t the obvious solution is just to go straw-free and just sip your drinks from a glass?” Actually, no. Because I am a self-admitted fucking disaster. I generally consider it a miracle if I make it through a meal without some food item landing on my “boob shelf;” my entire sleeping wardrobe consists of t-shirts and tank tops that I’ve stained during dining mishaps. So it’s definitely a tempting of the fates to lift a glass and tip it toward my face with the expectation that something will not wind up on my front. Thus, a straw is a necessary evil.
So what’s a girl who wants to obey Tom Brady and yet keep her chest stain free to do? Hit up Amazon and order a reusable straw set (with a cleaning brush; otherwise, it’s gross). An eight dollar investment to feel morally superior to plebeians using plastic straws and condescending “green” waitstaff while being eco-friendly? Totally worth it. So this morning, hours before Starbucks forced my hand, I rolled up to the drive-thru, ordered my iced coffee, declined the pro-offered straw and instead popped my reusable straw into my morning caffeine jolt. Ultimate environmental power move…which I obviously had to share with the world:
#reusable pic.twitter.com/nvCa9G658l
— Jenna (@JennaLCrowley) July 9, 2018
Because are you really an environmentalist if you don’t tweet about it?.
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
But you’re a Pats fan so it washes out.
I’m an environmental engineer, so please litter and make all the mess you want. It’s job security.
Same but as an analyst
I thought the link was going to take me to order my own reusable straw that I could use to feel superior over my friends, but it brought me to Tom Brady’s instagram? Was this some kind of sick rickroll joke
Is Tom Brady hocking reusable straws the same way other insta models sell fit tea?
reusable straw but plastic cup that’s 10x the material of a straw? Might as well club some baby seals and rip a hole in the ozone while you’re at it.
I like to take a big sip from my Yeti Tumbler and then ask some poor scrub chugging Ice Mountain or Aquafina “huh, bottled water, guess you hate sea turtles eh?” I do this even though there are no sea turtles within 1000 miles of Chicago.
Yeah but check out the Lake Michigan Whale Migration Station on Facebook. #SaveTheWhales
Good to see this becoming more of a thing. Living by the beach and doing a few beach cleanups I would say 75% of what we pick up ends up being plastic straws. Plus I think we can all agree Sea Turtles are dope so anything that helps them is worth doing in my book.
I think life is way more enjoyable if we just do whatever we want because we are destroying the world but by the time anything really bad happens we’ll be dead so who cares….straws for everyone
Bingo
#culturevultre
#culturevulture #PGPneedsaneditbutton
Glad you pointed out the brush stuff, because we used stainless steel straws for quite awhile before we found out the dishwasher didn’t clean them for shit. If you don’t mind cleaning all the time, power to yah, but I’m just gonna avoid straws altogether.
I also ordered my reusable straws a couple weeks ago before the Starbucks announcement. I also feel like I’m better than everyone else when I use them. Saving the environment AND feeling morally superior?! Sign me up.
Saving the environment and feeling morally superior is basically how I aspire to live my life