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If you listened to this week’s ep of Don’t Take It From Us, you heard me get a little heated when answering the following question from a listener:
I’ve been dating my bf for 3 years now and have been living with him for 2 years. We love each other very much and are very affectionate towards each other. We even talk about marriage. The problem I’m having is, a little over a year ago, he mentioned to me that he wasn’t physically attracted to me. This hit me hard because I’m a bigger girl who always had issues with weight. He told me he’s willing to help me lose the weight if I wanted it, and I do, but I can’t help feel self-conscious around him. Will this relationship last? Am I over thinking this? Btw, we have sex about once a week
Before we go any further, let’s make a couple of assumptions for the sake of this discussion:
1.) The writer hasn’t gained (or lost, for that matter) any weight since the beginning of the relationship. She’s weighed and presumably looked the same way since Day 1.
2.) While the writer is clearly paraphrasing, the bf said that “he wasn’t physically attracted to me” and “he’s willing to help me lose the weight if I wanted it” in pretty much the same fashion as implied here. Meaning that it was not in a “I care about you, I want you to be healthy” supportive way, but in a “I’m a superficial dickhead” way.
Now, because I hate the sound of my own voice, I usually don’t go back and listen to the podcast after we’ve recorded it, but if I’m recalling correctly, one of my immediate reactions was that I wanted to punch this asshole-of-a-guy in the face. Which I still do, because I think he’s a shitty person and I don’t really have much of a tolerance for people that cut other people down, for any reason. But I’m not here to write about him – I think we disparaged his character enough on the pod. But after we finished recording and I closed my computer while JR was still rambling on about something, I was still thinking about this question. I thought about it while I brushed my teeth, took out my contacts, and got in bed. Then I laid awake for a while thinking about it until my Trazodone kicked in, because something about this question really bothered me. And then I figured it out – the thing that was really bothering me wasn’t the asshole boyfriend, it was her. And by her, I mean me (because it’s all about me, you know?)
If you’ve lived life as “a bigger girl, who always had issues with weight,” as me and this question-asker have, you’ve dealt with this sort of thing your entire life. Random suggestions from well-meaning friends and family members on how to lose weight. Your nana tsk-tsking when you take that second piece of pecan pie at Thanksgiving. Your gym-rat cousin, who keeps asking you to go the gym with him so he can teach you how to lift. For the most part, these are the well-meaning people, the ones that genuinely like/love you and what to see you get healthier. Their approach might not be the best, (let me eat my pie in peace, Nana!) but it comes from a good place.
While we’d like to believe that about everyone, it’s unfortunately not always the case. What I’ve learned over the years is that there are people who get off on making people feel bad about themselves, and frankly, those that are overweight are easy targets. I mean, that “flaw” is out there for everyone to see, so picking on it is easy. Sometimes it’s a random person in a bar or a someone in the office, and you can write it off with a “fuck that guy.” But when it comes from within your circle, like in our reader’s question…well, that makes it a little harder to deal with.
I like to call these people “bad actors.” No, not in a Mark Wahlberg kind of way; if you work in investments, as I do, you’re likely familiar with SEC Rule 506, which defines bad actors as people from within that can potentially fuck up your business. (Of course, I’m paraphrasing. The SEC would never be that succinct.) These bad actors would be fired in a workplace, but it’s not like you can fire your boyfriend….right?
The hard fact is that you may have to. As I said a few weeks ago, part of this process sometimes means losing friends. But the truth is that, whether you are trying to lose weight or not, sometimes you have to let go of some other people too. Bad actors, even those who say things like “he’s willing to help me lose the weight if I wanted it,” aren’t going to help you. The only person that’s going to help you is you and step one in that process is cutting out anyone who doesn’t truly have your best interests at heart.
So to the listener who asked this question: lose weight or don’t lose weight – that’s your call. But one thing you should lose is that loser who is making you feel less than. You deserve better – no matter what the number on the scale is.
Starting weight to Lose: 30 pounds
Week 1 Results: – 1.1 pounds
Week 2 Results: – 2.1 pounds
Week 3 Results: +0.4 pounds
Week 4 Results: – 0.2 pounds
Week 5 Results: – 0.2 pounds
Week 6 Results: – 0.1 pounds
Week 7 Results: -0.9 pounds
Week 8 Results: 0.0 pounds
Week 9 Results: -0.5 pounds
Week 10 Results: -0.6 pounds
Week 11 Results: 0.0 pounds
Week 12 Results: – 0.2 pounds
Week 13 Results: -0.1 pounds
Week 14 Results: No weigh in
Week 15 Results: – 2.3 pounds
Week 16 Results: +0.6 pounds
Week 17 Results: – 0.2 pounds
Week 18 Results: -0.1 pounds
Week 19 Results: 0.0 pounds
Remaining weight to lose: 22.4 pounds
If you want to follow along with me, friend me on MyFitnessPal or FitBit!
Image via Shutterstock
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
*reads article* *browses comments* *decides to chime in* *hits cancel because this is a can of worms not worth opening*
If you aren’t physically attracted to someone, why are you still with them? I understand being attracted to their personality, but at the end of the day, what’s actually separating that person from one of your friends?
Blowjobs.
Your friends don’t give you blowjobs? One of us might be doing it wrong.
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While I agree with your thoughts, assuming that point #1 is true, what if it isn’t? That is, what if she was healthy, albeit bigger, at the beginning of the relationship, but has gained more weight as she has become comfortable in a relationship?
If that’s the true story, then (and bring on the downvotes!) I don’t think it’s unfair for her boyfriend to want her to lose the weight. Getting comfortable and gaining weight in a relationship happens for a lot of people, but if you really let yourself go, then it’s not unreasonable to have your partner bring that up, especially as a guy. Like it or not, we’re creatures that are first and foremost attracted physically. If that part is missing, then other stuff starts to go wrong.
Also, letting yourself go is a sign about how you feel about yourself and the relationship. It’s a sign sent to your partner that you’re TOO comfortable and have stopped trying, which never works because both people need to always try in a relationship.
I kinda agree with this as well. I would hope if I were in a long term relationship, and I started to let myself go in any way- my partner would feel comfortable mentioning something to me before it got too late. Maintaining attractions in relationships is hard, but if it’s already waning at year 3- it won’t last long.
I’d agree with some (not all of this) if assumption 1 isn’t true but as we discussed on the pod, I think her saying that she’s always been a “bigger” girl is a sign that assumption 1 is relatively correct.
But being a “bigger” girl is subjective. She could’ve been chubby and not super skinny and her boyfriend may have liked that and then she could’ve gained 50 pounds after. It’s really hard to tell from descriptions what exactly the situation is.
“Which I still do, because I think he’s a shitty person and I don’t really have much of a tolerance for people that cut other people down, for any reason.”
There’s cutting people down, and there’s being open and honest. Assuming the guy didn’t just announce “hey Porky, put down the SnackPack or I’m out”, you can’t really fault him for being honest.
Thank you. Like I understand the point of what she’s saying but overall wouldn’t you rather have your SO be honest with you? He’s actively trying to work on a part of their relationship opposed to just deucing out or cheating on her and he’s the asshole somehow?
This dude is living with his girlfriend and they only travel to boner city once a week? What’s even the point of living together?
I like the cut of your jib, good Sir.
I’m a firm believer in lust before love, so what the hell was that bf doing in the first place? And the listener needs to find someone who appreciates her how she is now if she’s happy where she’s at.
Agreed.
What a crock. You should be willing to improve yourself if you’re in a relationship. It happens all the time, even among couples who have been together for years. As long as the willingness to improve is mutual.
Thanks for the podcast link
This is just getting sad. Losing weight/staying in shape is relatively easy by exercising regularly and eating healthy. Once you can clear the hurdle in your mind, it’s an open road ahead.
Go ahead and try to change your own genetics.
Genetics is the dumbest excuse for for being overweight. If you want to look, feel, and be healthy, then you’re gonna have to put in the work. That means skipping dessert sometimes, or subbing a salad for fries. It’s really that simple. If a person doesn’t want to do that that’s fine, live your life, but don’t complain you have no control over it because of ‘muh genetics’. Sorry for the rant.