I’m Done Wearing Underwear

I'm Done Wearing Underwear

With temperatures reaching beyond 100 degrees the past few days and July not even being halfway over, I’ve come to a tough decision that is going to be controversial and heavily criticized. It’s one that I’ve thought long and hard about, and I won’t know if it was the right decision until I actually begin doing this on a day to day basis. But the sweltering heat of central Texas has left me with no options.

Other than excessive pitting, which has plagued me since high school, I can’t remember a time in the last 25 years of my life that swamp ass has been this big of a problem. People keep telling me things like “your blood hasn’t thinned out to accommodate the Texas heat” and “just stop sweating” like I can just do that on command. I’ll come back from a long session at the gym, hop in the shower, and walk out sweating just as badly as I did when I was lifting weights a half hour prior.

Navy blue, my favorite color to wear, whether that be a shirt, shorts, or pants, is totally out of the question when every bead of sweat shows up. I’ll begin a night out at the bar with a navy blue shirt and leave four hours later wearing something that resembles a black t-shirt. It’s embarrassing, but what can I do? Short of getting prescription deodorant, not much. But counteracting swamp ass, for lack of a better term, is something I think I can control.

I’ve found that wearing Patagonia Baggies, which feature a built-in netted area is wonderful, but what about those times when I want to step out on the town in a nice pair of slacks? The solution, as it usually is, was staring me right in the face. I’ve made the decision to start free-balling. Going commando. You know, giving the boys a little extra room to breath.

But, John, aren’t you scared of chafing?

Why add an entire extra layer (underwear) that will only make me sweat more when I can eliminate it and get more air to my bathing suit parts? They make Extra Strength Gold Bond powder (the stuff in the green bottle) for a reason, and I think that’s my ticket to paradise. It is supposed to have extra cooling action, I’ll never have to deal with wedgies, and yeah, I’m not going to lie to you, I think I’ll feel a little bit liberated when I’m not wearing underwear. It’s going to be like my little secret when I’m out and about that no one knows about (unless of course I get lucky with some nice young lady).

Honestly, I am a little bit scared of chafing. But I won’t know if that’s going to be an issue until I really get into the thick of not wearing underwear. It seems like this would be only be a problem when wearing jeans, and I really don’t wear jeans all that much. I have one pair that hasn’t seen the light of day in months because, 1.) a good pair of jeans are incredibly hard to find (and these are not great), and 2.) it’s too fucking hot out to wear a pair of dark blue jeans. Most of the shorts and pants that I own are button fly, meaning that there is no chance of a There’s Something About Mary-esque situation happening down there.

Let’s look at the health benefits for a second because they’re pretty extensive when you really get down to brass tacks. Your scrotum is free to bask in relatively fresh air without being confined by a pair of tight boxer briefs. And don’t tell me you’re still wearing boxers. No one over the age of 16 should be wearing boxers unless it’s to bed. Your sperm (you know those millions of little guys swimming around in your aforementioned scrotum?) don’t like to get too hot or too cold. When the temperature reaches an extreme at either end of the spectrum, your testicles don’t produce as many sperm as they should, so the way I see it free-balling is not only giving you a little extra cooling action but it’s also helping keep your boys afloat. Wearing boxer briefs or underwear of any kind is going to cook your sperm to a temperature that is no bueno.

I realize that this is an incredibly simple and obvious solution to the problem I’ve had with swamp ass. It could be a disaster, but I have to give it a shot because the temperature that my lower half is operating at right now with underwear on is simply unacceptable.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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