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I’ve always believed the key to professional success is 30 percent hard work and 70 percent appearances. If you work your ass off from nine to five every day at the office, you’ll be great at your job. But if you appear to be working your ass of every day from five minutes before the boss shows up ‘til five minutes after he leaves, you’ll be promoted. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing Oregon Trail online, busting your friend’s balls in the group chat, or browsing the internet. If you look like you’re working hard, that’s more important than actually working hard. Perception is reality, in life and in the workforce, and all that matters is whether you’re perceived as a hard worker with middle management written all over you.
You know the easiest way to ruin your professional image (short of getting caught jerking it in your cube)? Rolling into work covered in nothing but spandex and sweat. If you bike to work, you’ve given up on advancing in your career. There is no feasible way to ride a bicycle to work and still look professional when you arrive. Nothing makes your hair look worse than cramming a Giro helmet on top of it and sweating into that dome sauna for twenty minutes, and as Jack Donaghy so eloquently put in on 30 Rock, “Your hair is your head suit.” As someone with a hairline as strong as a three-month-old baby, I know how important your hair is to your professional image. I’ve seen the uncertainty on managers’ faces as they decide if I can handle a difficult project, and I’ve seen that uncertainty disappear when they laid eyes on my (less competent) coworker’s luxurious flow. If you think you’re going to fix this issue by not wearing a helmet, well, you’ll probably make a very pretty corpse.
“Not a problem,” I can hear you saying as you read this. “My hair is too short to be affected by a helmet,” or “I’m already bald at 28 and it can’t get any worse.” Wrong. The next thing your coworkers and bosses are going to look at is your face. Your bright red, flushed, sweating-like-an-obese-man-at-Disneyworld face. Unless your entire commute to work is downhill, you’re going to need to be using some muscles to bike there.
You know what the body’s response is to using muscles? Pouring salty liquid down your face, pits, and back in an attempt to cool you down. That’s right, I passed a biology class in high school. Your white button down, which let’s face it, could already use a dry clean, is now an appealing gray and white speckled pattern. Your pit stains could be seen from Mars and your groin feels (and smells) like a swamp. You better hope you don’t have to meet any clients because they will visibly recoil in disgust when they feel your moist hand slip out of theirs in your futile attempt to shake hands. Your best bet is to go with a fist bump. You’re going to lose that business either way; you may as well save them the awkwardness of having to immediately go wash their hands after touching you. If you have to go right into a meeting, you’re going to be surreptitiously adjusting your package for the duration in a desperate attempt to uncoil the knot your underwear has formed around your balls. People will notice, and rumors will be spread.
There’s only one way to avoid turning your business casual outfit into a damp, ill-fitting monkey suit: the spandex biking suit. I’m not going to lie, if you bike to work, the spandex outfit has its upsides. It’s breathable, flexible, and there’s a 100 percent less of a chance of you accidentally hanging yourself by your tie on your ride. However, none of that matters, because if you waltz in to work wearing spandex, I can promise you one thing: no one wants to interact with you. Something about a skintight onesie on a grown man makes people’s skin crawl, especially in (what they thought) was a safe workspace. No one wants to see your disgusting camel-toe put on display by your sheer, stretchy pants. If you’re lesser endowed than your boss, he’s not going to respect you enough to promote you. If you’re better endowed, he’s sure as hell not going to promote you out of pure jealousy. And if your boss is a woman, I’m pretty sure you’ve got a visit to HR coming your way, along with some restraining papers.
In short, riding your bicycle to work will immediately drop your appearance from a competent employee to “that fucking sweaty spandex guy.” Being the bicycle guy will overrule all other traits and perceptions of you in the workforce. When your name is brought up in promotion discussions, your managers will say “what, the dude who bikes to work?” and laugh until a more suitable candidate is discussed. Do yourself a favor – keep the bike for the weekends and arrive at work in a vehicle that shows you do nothing but strike deals grease palms: a cherry red Miata. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
This is going to serve as the straw that breaks mch28’s back.
I came here to say the same thing. Shots fired at mch28.
Ok, I guess I’m out of the loop, which is a first for me on this site. Who’s mch28?
Waited until this morning to read, just to give him time to comment and see that comment get shredded. Gotta admit, I’m a little disappointed.
Wait…isn’t every third article about some guy you all want to blow because he Doesn’t Give a Fuck? If you haven’t notice, I don’t give a fuck if a bunch of fucking dipshit former frat dudes like me. I have my own opinions and really don’t care what the fuck some white male strangers on the internet think of me.
So “shred” away, really don’t care what the fuck you think of me or my comments. I’m quite happy with my life and who I am. Thanks, bud!
But do you care about what non-white male strangers on the internet think about you? Asking for a friend.
Shambles is black. We can ask for his opinion.
God I hope so.
See below, Mel. Gotta love how much you guys get hard over dudes who don’t give a fuck…and you can’t seem to wrap your stylized hair around the fact that I don’t give a fuck about what a bunch of assholes on the internet think of my comments and opinions.
I hated most frat dudes in college because they’re so fucking scared of being different and not fitting in with the herd. Just scared little dudes. Most of you are now going through life the same way.
It means nothing to me that some strangers on the internet disagree with my opinion or, god forbid, don’t like me. Have a good weekend, bud.
Why would it, RRR? If angry, bitter Nick enjoys going through life as an asshole, why do I care?
A few things, Nicko. Cyclists wear Lycra, not spandex. You fucking idiot. Looks like you golf. Do you wear a fucking baseball uniform to go golfing? So why in the fuck wouldn’t I be in cycling clothing if I’m going out to ride for six hours? Also, I commute to work daily. I wear a fucking polo shirt and shorts and sneakers. When I go out to ride for six hours or race…guess what? I wear Lycra.
Also, you live in Chicago, eh? The next time you’re sitting in traffic hating your life, look at that happy cyclist going by. It could be you, but I doubt you have the nerve to do something that might not be mainstream or isn’t about being a selfish asshole. Most people in a city shouldn’t need a car. I haven’t driven on a regular basis in over a decade. You can thank me for not putting all that fucking pollution in the atmosphere. Oh, and roll down your window and thank that cyclist; they’re causing less traffic for you to sit in, fuckface.
Have you ever traveled? Belgium, France, Germany, the Netherlands…MILLIONS of well-dressed, well educated professionals riding a bike to work. As with many things, just one more way the U.S. is so fucking far behind other developed nations.
And guess what? U.S. cities are growing increasingly dense at a fast rate. Because assholes like you move into them. People will increasingly choose not to drive and there will also be more cyclists. And…have you seen those zany things called Bike Shares? Yup, times are a changin’ and you clearly aren’t there.
I ride to work daily. I don’t pay for a gym or a trainer. I get at least 1.5 hours of work a day. I weigh less than I did in college, don’t have to life weights for the sport I played. Cycling is a lifetime sport and best of all…it counters drinking weight.
Anyway, sorry you have to go through life being so angry. I get to ride my bike home in a few short hours, with a stop for a beer along the way. Enjoy sitting in traffic!
Oh, and a person riding a bike and a cyclist are different. Quite different.
TGIF, everyone. Well, not you Nick.
Go away.
You curse a lot and in a very aggressive manner for someone who’s so happy.
Its called a moose knuckle, thanks.
My bad, I mixed up my animal appendages.
Agreed that unless you have a shower at work, you should not bike there. Many buildings now offer this. Clothes in a backpack, shower at work and still in before most others and you just got your workout for the day.
When I ride into work like this, people know I have already crushed the morning.
Nothing grinds my gears like traversing the lonely country highway in pitch darkness in November at 6 A.M, only to have my already shitty commute made worse by some dumbass biker in all black clothes who’s apparently on sort of night time stealth bike mission in the middle of Winter. FUCK
You kill a guy?
I was waiting for the Miata reference and then there it was in all of its glory.
I got exhausted just from the thought of biking to work – PGP
Used to bike when I had a gym at work. Would just drive there monday morning and leave car with clothes for the week in my car and drive home Friday. It was 25 miles though, no way I’d do it without shower access.
User name checks out
I have so many questions about your lifestyle… Why would you bike 50 miles a day? Why is all of that hassle worth saving some gas/time? How long did this “commute” take? What do you do if it’s raining/snowing in the morning since you don’t have a car at home? How much money did you save? Just why?
1) More fun than setting foot in a gym.
2) Depends if you enjoy riding a bike.
3) A bit under an hour. No time saved.
4) Drive my other vehicle or take the train.
5) Ignoring auxiliary enjoyment of the bike, several thousand negative dollars. Theoretically, break even point would have been around year 5 but a few coworkers got smoked when the economy (and traffic) picked up substantially combined with moving further away from the bike path and I started just taking the train and only riding on weekends.
As long as you don’t bike like you’re competing in the Olympics, a nice moderately paced ride shouldn’t drench your entire body in sweat. Unless of course it’s 100 degrees out. Any physical activity at that temp is a bad idea.
What if you’re chubby and balding like Nick
Oh man, thanks for the info. I’m skinnier than I was in college, and I was never chubby. And I have pretty awesome hair.
So this really comes down to Nick wishing he wasn’t so fat and could ride a bike around?
This isn’t the Tour de France, it’s biking 2 miles.
I made a profile just to tell you how much your comments suck.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
My transit system keeps on catching on fire and traffic on the streets has exploded as a result of them shutting down parts of it to make them less flammable. You better believe that’s going to get my ass on a bike.
I will be sure to give you a wave when I bike by you on the Mount Vernon trail…