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NFL quarterbacks have a pretty stressful job. Have you ever wondered where they would all be if it weren’t for the money, fame, and football? Here’s where I see them in the office.
Ryan Mallett – Everyone knows this guy. He is always late to work and doesn’t really seem to care. He finally got fired, which was a big mistake on his part, because he could have been the top guy in the office.
Johnny Manziel – This man got fired for doing cocaine in the bathroom, but you still check up on him every week to see how he’s doing because you know he has serious potential.
Eli Manning – Everyone loves his brother way more, even though he’s just as accomplished.
Peyton Manning – He was one of the funniest people you ever worked with, but he just retired to go run the local pizza place.
Brett Favre – This is the old guy who retires but keeps coming back to work a few months later.
Sam Bradford – This dude helps train the new grad in the office, but he knows the new grad is going to replace him really soon.
Tim Tebow – The guy who really sucks at his job but he is just so damn nice to everyone that everyone loves him.
Philip Rivers – Guy who kept getting promoted so he’d stop whining. Also can’t stop having kids.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – This is the dude that graduated Ivy League with a 4.0 but lacks some job skills and industry knowledge.
Tom Brady – This guy closes some serious deals, but everyone is always a little sketched out over how he closed said deals.
Tony Romo – You can always count on this guy to perform at a high capacity throughout the fiscal year, but when deadlines approach he completely caves.
Jay Cutler – The guy you’re not quite sure what his job actually is, nor does he. He doesn’t really seem to care about his job and brags about his hot wife all the time.
Ben Roethlisberger – The guy you never want anywhere near your daughter, ever. Don’t even mention you have a daughter.
Kirk Cousins – Every time he closes a deal, he makes sure everyone in the office knows. Even though they are always mediocre deals, he still wants to know if you like that.
Jameis Winston – He’s kind of an idiot, he harasses the receptionist, and he always steals food from the kitchen, but he is pretty good at his job.
Mike Vick – This guy used to be really good at closing deals, and then he got into some trouble with the law. He came back once he got out of jail, but other than a couple huge deals here and there, he’s just not the same.
Colin Kaepernick – He’s the handy man your office calls when something breaks, but you try not to because he’s not great at his job and always reeks of Newports.
Russell Wilson – It took him a while to find this job, but he’s damn good at it. He always tries to preach success to everyone in the office, but he exaggerates a lot. His wife was born with a dick.
Matt Stafford – This guy produces. He usually carries his whole office on his shoulders, and they consistently finish at the bottom of the region. His wife is even hotter than Jay’s.
Tyrod Taylor – Everyone thought he would suck at his job, but he patiently learned under an elite deal slinger, and now he’s taken over his own office.
Joe Flacco – This dude makes hella dough and closes hella deals. He’s elite.
Marcus Mariota – He’s really good at his job, but unfortunately his office is falling apart. One day it will collapse entirely and he will be lost in the rubble.
Andy Dalton – The stupid ginger that always crumbles when deadlines come..
Image via Joseph Sohm / Shutterstock
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No Nick Foles? The guy who came to the office out of nowhere and killed it for a whole year then after a couple failed relationships with fast women, hanging at the wrong bars with the wrong crowd, and getting a little too cocky at the coffee machine just winds up face down in a seedy gutter just talking to himself, loses his job and has oatmeal like throw up on his collar as he tries to find out where his coke spoon went that was hanging around his neck.
This is apt. He’s on the rebound now, cleaning himself up at a different firm, taking a junior position, with a pay cut, with his eyes on future glory.
Aaron Rodgers: the guy who gets his brother an internship but his brother still can’t cut it despite the nepotism
Joe Flacco: makes hella dough because of closing only one deal. Good, not elite.
Thank you, seeing “elite” under Flacco was killing me inside.
http://s1.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Is-Joe-Flacco-a-Elite-Quarterback.jpg
Alex Smith: the silent manager.
No Drew Brees? Come on Delph!
He’s the calm and relaxed middle aged guy you work with. You hear tales of his glory days, but now he spends all his time with his family. He excels at his job and usually puts up huge numbers, but you gotta watch out for him at the company Christmas party. He may be the guy that goes buckwild out of nowhere.
Cam Newton: Your coworker who got reprimanded for stealing office supplies a few years ago, but somehow didn’t get fired. He seems to have his shit together now and is moving up in the company. You still lock your desk drawer if you leave before he does.
Being the Jay Cutler of the office seems like it would be the greatest compliment I could ever receive
I laughed at the Flacco one. I also cried a bit after the Vick one.
I’m the Kirk Cousins of sex
YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?!? YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?!?
Andrew Luck: Came in having to fill the shoes of a beloved office lifer. Has the same potential as the guy before him, but has a tendency to throw away the same amount of deals he closes in a year.
Robert Griffin III: When comparing resumes, people were torn b/w this guy and Luck. This guy closed hella deals his first year, but just has not been in the office enough to produce lately. Moved to the Cleveland branch in order to try and resurrect his promising career