If My Drunk Personalities Were Famous Characters

If My Drunk Personalities Were Famous Characters

If you don’t know by now that different types of alcohol will affect you in different ways, then you haven’t been drinking as long as I have. Or you live under a rock. Either way, I’ve started paying more and more attention to how different alcohols make me act. At first, I thought there wouldn’t be much of a change amongst them. A drunk person is a drunk person is a drunk person, right?

Turns out, that’s not true. The differences were small and subtle at first but it’s been a few weeks now and goodness gracious great balls of fire, it’s like I have dissociative personality disorder.

Look, I know I’m weird doing this. Not everyone looks that critically at themselves and tries to draw differences in behavior based on the kind of alcohol they’re drinking. To the general person, that’s just grasping at straws. So I’m going to try and break down my findings by comparing myself to fictional characters.

Alcohol: Beer
Character: Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation

Beer Charlie is a simple man. He likes rock and roll music and shitty food. He’s the kind of guy who would have no hesitations to eat the communal popcorn at the dive bar and kiss his best friend on the cheek to seem more cultured. A happy idiot. Find him next to the bar in a heated debate about whether or not Spiderman could beat Batman in a fight.

Alcohol: Vodka
Character: David Wooderson from Dazed and Confused

Vodka Charlie is chill as a cucumber. A laid back dude who just wants to have a good time. His inhibitions come down and he starts slinging back Vodka Sodas. Maybe he’ll dance a little, maybe he’ll say something questionable, but you’ll let it slide because he’s just vibing so hard.

The only problem with Vodka Charlie is that he does not look a thing like Matthew McConaughey, the actor played by David Wooderson (you read that right). He looks like a mix between Jack Black and Dave Matthews.

Alcohol: Tequila
Character: The House from Home Alone

Easy. Lights are on, but nobody’s home.

Alcohol: Whiskey
Character: Jon Snow from Game of Thrones

Let’s be very clear: I do not think that I’m in any way, shape, or form, similar to Jon Snow. Anyone who does has very clearly gone through some shit in their life that I would not want to be a part of. I also look like a mix between Jack Black and Dave Matthews, as stated earlier.

Having said that, Whiskey Charlie is not exactly a fun person to be around. A man of few words. Mostly just stares off into the distance thinking about, well, dragons and zombies if we’re going to be honest. Spends a lot of time generally upset, but we’re not really sure what about. Not particularly a fun person to be around, unless you would like to also bum everyone out.

Alcohol: Gin
Character: Jordan Belfort from The Wolf Of Wall Street

Reckless. Hot headed. Eccentric. Gin Charlie has no problem rolling with the punches and having a wild night out. He’ll go for the nicer booze and cut a rug on the dance floor. By the end of the night, he’s crawling out of an uber into what he thinks is his ground floor apartment, but really it’s a homeless person’s stoop in Old Town. The only problem is that Gin Charlie goes from Jordan Belfort to B-Rabbit very quickly. This includes, but is not limited to, vomiting in public restrooms, smoking cigarettes, and participating in freestyle rap battles.

Alcohol: Wine (any)
Character: Hank Moody from Californication

I’ll toot my own horn here. Some of my favorite things that I’ve ever written have been written after having 3-4 glasses of wine. The columns that led to DMs, emails, and Twitter followers, all of those were a result of me feeling simultaneously narcissistic and broken for some reason or another. Hank Moody is drunk all the time, writes well (apparently), and if he were a part of the social media generation, I’m sure he would have slid into tons of DMs.

Alcohol: Rum
Character: Willy Wonka

Rum Charlie is whimsical as fuck. He just wants everyone to have a good time, but the second someone fucks up and decides to leave, he has to go and ruin it for everyone by taking them to the dark side of his mind and talking about weird shit like the bugs in his apartment or the time he watched Sausage Party while drunk. Occasionally has issues with pointing out everyone else’s flaws other than his own.

Image via YouTube

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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