If I Were Honest During My Employee Evaluation

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It’s that time of year again. No, not the end of summer, the start of school or nudie magazine day. It’s employee evaluation time.

The wonderful folks at human resources sent me an email reminding me to fill out my self-evaluation assessment. Like all inept HR people, they hadn’t actually bothered to put it online yet so I spent 45 minutes trying to find it. Finally, after calling them, they gave me a bullshit answer, “Yeah, we haven’t actually put it up yet”. Thanks, asshole. Why did you email saying to get them done “as soon as possible” then?

If I don’t complete this and my mandated customer service, sexual harassment, and workplace drug policy trainings, I won’t be eligible for a 3.5% raise. Student loans don’t pay themselves, so this is kind of a big deal. Last year after getting my raise, they increased the cost of health insurance, so I technically made less money than when I started. Ain’t that some shit?

It’s pretty awkward writing a self-evaluation. It’s even more awkward knowing my boss will read it, write her own and then we get to talk about it, especially since last year, everywhere I rated myself as a “4” (the highest) she had rated me a “3” and vice versa. I have found that dropping big buzz words like “teamwork,” “problem solving,” and “cooperation” while sprinkling in “I attempt to harbor effective and efficient blah blah blah” works wonders.

It’s also very difficult to do a self-evaluation. How honest can you be without looking bad? I chose a few questions from my employee self-evaluation to answer how I would answer them if I were keeping it real. They are rated 1-4, “1” being “shithead” status and “4” being Brian from Office Space.

1. Employee exhibits appropriate behavior in the workplace: he or she is objective, shares their expertise with others, communicates effectively and is tactful and responsible for their own actions.

I only show up hungover once a week, but I am not outwardly hungover nor do I smell like bourbon. While I have a lot of expertise on modern workplace tools, I only help those who aren’t complete shitheads and I refuse to help others who treat me like their kid. I am also an expert in the field of Google, which is a rare trait in today’s aging higher-ups. Most people here are 3-5 years behind in technology, so I spend a considerable amount of work time holding the metaphorical hands of your largely Baby Boomer workforce. I took off a point to not be too aggressive. 3.

2. Employee maintains and exhibits the requisite knowledge and skill for the position.

I graduated from college in the past five years, so this stuff is cake. You pay me enough to not actively look for other jobs, but these 3.5% raises aren’t going to pay the bills forever. Sadly, this is the only way to make more money because employee loyalty only gets you paid less. I gave myself a 4.

3. Employee responds to management directives, facilitates objectives, exhibits understanding of workplace expectations, and respects company resources.

I get all my work done in a timely fashion, and it could be done quicker but there is no real motivation to do so. It usually takes my boss a few days to send back any feedback because she is buried in other things due to others’ stupidity. I feel bad for her, but in this business, the more competent one is, the more work they get. Best to keep your head down. Sometimes, I print non work related things and spend my time looking at guns, internet memes or hanging out with the #Wolfpack on the interwebs. Hard to justify a “4” but I feel a 3 is too low. Sadly there is no 3.5, so I lowballed myself with a 3 to not appear like a go-getter.

4. Employee acts appropriately within approved independence/freedom of action for their employment.

I laughed out loud at this one. We have a lot of discretion, and I can’t pretend that I devote all my time to my department. I rationalize this as I walk through Cubicle Land and see Erin on Facebook or my boss talking to a coworker about dipping out early to go to a hair appointment. What Mama don’t know won’t hurt her. 4.

5. Overall assessment of the employee’s performance per the employee’s position description.

I get what I need done when it’s due with a pretty strong quality of work. I don’t exactly go out of my way to help anyone unless we are work friends because I don’t want to be annoyed or bothered by incessant issues. I swear, sometimes I wonder how people here manage to remember to breathe. My work mantra is to fly under the radar, learn what I can and eventually climb the management ladder. Working is what I do to make the weekends come quicker and to fund said weekends.

Everyone loves a good story, share your work evaluations below. .

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Madoff

I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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