If I Were Actually Honest With My Doctor

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Will, how’s everything?

Truthfully, doc? Not great. I went out both Friday and Saturday this past weekend after having one too many at happy hour on Thursday, so I’m in the final stages of a two-day hangover.

What brings you in today?

To be completely honest, I’m not entirely sure. My body’s been feeling pretty shitty lately, and I’m not sure whether it’s because I’ve been abusing it by not working out and eating like shit, or if I’m just getting old and can’t hang like I used to. I thought it would be prudent to get a physical and make sure nothing’s seriously wrong with me. I mean, I saw Straight Outta Compton the other day and Eazy-E had zero clue that he had AIDS. After that, I figured I shouldn’t take any chances.

What hurts?

Literally every part of my body. Like I said, I went out hard all weekend and also mixed in a spin class on Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. when I was incredibly dehydrated from doing a bunch of shots the night before at some bar called Volcano in Houston. I’m considering getting a deep-tissue massage on only my quads because these dogs are barkin’ and it’s been three days. Even after golfing a few weeks ago, I could feel it in my triceps for a good 48 hours.

Do you have any symptoms?

I Googled some aches and pains that I’ve been having lately, and I could have anything from scabies to gonorrhea to diabetes. I got in a WebMD wormhole the other night where I was casually reading about some back pain I’d been having, and I convinced myself I had Cauda Equina Syndrome, which “may require emergency surgery to avoid permanent damage to bowel and bladder control or even paralysis.” I was up all night having night terrors about shitting myself.

How long has this been going on?

Something changed after my twenty-third birthday where I went from having normal hangovers to having full-blown panic attacks that would last until I woke up on Tuesday morning. Through some self-diagnosis, I discovered that a lot of people turn that corner after that age, so I’m not all that concerned about having an alcohol problem or anything, I’m just hoping you can prescribe me something that will either numb the pain or make me forget about it completely.

Has the pain been getting better or worse?

Oh, worse. Just last year, I couldn’t go out on my birthday because I was struggling from New Year’s Eve two night before. I found myself lying on the ground in front of my fireplace while eating a steak and watching the Red Wings, and even that exhausted me. I treated myself to two glasses of pinot noir, because hey, you only turn 28 once. But the next morning, it felt like someone had stomach-punched me like Harry Houdini. I spent most of my work-day shuffling to the bathroom and working from my phone.

Do you smoke? Do you take any recreational drugs? Do you drink alcohol and how often?

No comment.

Will, I’m going to ask you again. Do you smoke? Do you take any recreational drugs? Do you drink alcohol and how often?

Smoke? No. Do I like maybe ask a friend of a puff of his heater when I’m drunk? Yeah, sure. But if you never buy a pack of smokes, you’re not a smoker. Everyone knows that.

Recreational drugs? I’m not 21 anymore, doc. The hardest drugs my body can handle are the Advil and Alka Seltzer I put in my Gatorades every Sunday morning when I’m trying to get my body back to neutral.

Alcohol? Let’s see. On Mondays, I have like two or three beers to get even-keel. Then on Tuesday I normally take the night off and tell myself I’ll start working out again. Come Wednesday, I’m all like, “the day after tomorrow’s tomorrow is Friday so it’s essentially the weekend,” and I usually dip into some cocktails. Thursday through Saturday, I’m a complete wild card. It could be anywhere from four drinks in a night to, like, a dozen. Then on Sundays I go hard at brunch and normally order only one drink. But that one drink is a 56-ounce carafe of mimosas that consist of an entire bottle of champagne and a splash of fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Do you have a family history of this?

I’m too afraid to ask. I’ve heard rumblings that my ancestors have had some fucked up shit happen to their bodies, but ignorance is bliss, so.

Do you take any medicines or supplements?

I take Onnit Alpha Brains when I need to get a ton of work done, but other than that, I try to limit myself to just drinking two Emergen-C’s a day in an effort to avoid getting a cold that could inhibit me from going out all weekend.

Are you sexually active?

Eh. I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather eat some late night queso and tortillas than I would have sex or make out with someone. When it’s all said and done, my queso sessions end when I say they do, and the queso never wakes me up five minutes after I fall asleep because it got zero pleasure out of me. It’s a self-fulfilling relationship but, to be honest, no one I’m with really complains. Hell, most of the time, a girl is the one buying it for me while I’m scrolling my phone in the Uber.

Have you had any previous surgeries?

I had hernia surgery back in 2007 after I danced too hard at a Kappa formal.

Does it hurt when I push here?

Yes, it really does. But I’m too lazy to check and see if my health insurance will cover another hernia surgery, so I’ve just been flying close to the sun by ignoring it and hoping it’ll go away. I personally use it as an excuse not to lift weights even though I’m simply just too lazy.

Are you allergic to any medicines?

Let’s roll the dice and see. They say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and at this point, I’ll take either side of the spectrum. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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