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It’s the app we all downloaded just so we’d have something to do when we’re bored — the thing we’re all so addicted to that we can’t give it up for more than a few weeks: Tinder. It’s every single girl’s dirty little secret. We all deny that we have it and deny that we’ve used it, but can’t seem to let go of the legend we heard about the girl who found her now fiancé by simply swiping right.
But on this quest to find our happily ever after, we have to present the best version of ourselves. We make sure to FaceTune any dark circles or zits in our photos, only post snaps where our arms look skinny, and make sure to never message first unless our opening line is a true zinger. We have Tindering down to a science. A big, dishonest, science.
The thing about online (or app) dating is that we present the best, most carefully-crafted and perfected version of ourselves. Because we are convinced if we didn’t, no one would have us. And that Lean Cuisine for one we just heated up in the microwave probably means that we are absolutely right in that thinking.
Bio Says:
“Not here for hookups.”
Bio Should Say:
“I’m never going to message you back.”
Bio Says:
“It’s going down, I’m yelling Tinder…”
Bio Should Say:
“I’m going to come across way wittier on this app or when we’re texting, but the second we get face-to-face, you’re going to realize how un-funny I actually am on the spot.”
Bio Says:
“wanderlust.”
Bio Should Say:
“I talk about the semester I spent abroad more than anything and properly pronounce foreign foods in their native accent just to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Bio Says:
“Just looking for something fun!!”
Bio Should Say:
“I am fresh out of getting dumped and need someone to make my ex jealous.”
Bio Says:
“Let’s tell our parents we met a the library.”
Bio Should Say:
“Seriously, if you ever meet my parents and tell them I had a picture of me in a bikini shotgunning a Tecate online, I will murder you.”
Bio Says:
“My friends made me do this.”
Bio Should Say:
“All of my friends are in relationships and wouldn’t know how to use Tinder if you paid them.”
Bio Says:
“I don’t message first.”
Bio Should Say:
“I also don’t get on top.”
Bio Says:
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it’s best to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” – Marilyn Monroe
Bio Should Say:
“I decorate with wine bottles I’ve turned into candles and am going to cry when you don’t invite me to have dinner when your college buds are in town.”
Bio Says:
“INFP.”
Bio Should Say:
“I have no idea what that means — I just saw it on Tumblr.”
Bio Says:
“Take me to sushi and I’m yours.”
Bio Should Say:
“You could buy me a $1.50 hot dog and I’d probably still put out.”
Bio Says:
“I like to have a good time but I also like Netflix and sweatpants haha”
Bio Should Say:
“If we go get drinks, I won’t have anything to talk about outside of my job that’s just ‘okay I guess’ and you will regret ever giving me your number.”
Bio Says:
*wine emoji* *flower emoji* *sparkle emoji* *monkey emoji*
Bio Should Say:
“Somehow Tinder fucked up and I’m not 25, I’m 20. But I have my older sister’s fake ID and am not going to cop to it until you’ve bought me at least 5 dinners and gone down on me while ‘watching’ Never Been Kissed.”
Bio Says:
“Proud dog mommy to the cutie in the third pic!”
Bio Should Say:
“Get ready to find dog hair everywhere after the first time you come over to my place. I haven’t vacuumed properly since 2012.”
Bio Says:
“Whiskey, Top Gun, and Klosterman.”
Bio Should Say:
“I try so hard to be one of the boys, but really all I want to do is watch Natalie Portman movies and have someone give me a foot massage.”
Bio Says:
“Live. Laugh. Love.”
Bio Should Say:
“Run.” .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
@kendrasyrdal
@kendrasyrdal
ksyrdal
What does this Bio mean, Kendra?
Maybe I’m just old now but I feel that tinder is no longer “the app” single people around me use. They’re all about hinge because it some how makes them feel classier (read: they can judge where you went to college/where you work $$). I wonder how Brian would have gone about this article though. Sigh.
This had so much more potential.
Bio Says:
“I just want to get down on your kitchen floor with my bare vagina and goop back and forth all over your floor.”
Bio Should Say:
“I just want to get down on your kitchen floor with my bare vagina and goop back and forth all over your floor.”
Bio Says: Fire JayTas.
Bio Should Say: Fire JayTas.
JayTas, are you sure you’ve solved your woes in their entirety enough to come back to PGP?
The deal was that he could come back if he wrote about them. I’ve yet to see a single article…
Well, there was this masterpiece….. https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/5-easy-ways-to-fix-game-of-thrones/
I guess the sarcasm was not conveyed well enough.
Did I miss the story behind this one?
….wha…what?…
I now understand this reference, yet it’s still a little gross: http://i.imgur.com/NHJ2TcL.jpg