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I’m not a workout person. I’m sure you could tell from literally everything about me, but I need to lead with that. While my younger days were spent in dance classes and in college, you could find me on the elliptical a few times a week, the post grad life has really changed me for the worst. I couldn’t climb up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I’d shower with the lights off. Things were getting weird, and I was getting fat.
One year ago today, I decided that I was sick of that ish. Since graduating college, I had gained roughly 40 pounds thanks to my days of sitting at a desk, my nights of downing a bottle of pinot, and the little fact that I was totally, completely, 100 percently depressed. So, I slowed down my habit of drinking wine like an alcoholic fish and stuffing pizza down my gullet, and I learned just how many sad, carb-substitutions you can make with cauliflower.
Over the past 365 days, I’ve lost over thirty pounds. Read it and weep, fuckers — I’m 10 pounds away from my sorority-girl college weight (senior year, after 4 years of keg parties and meal plan, but still). The thing is, while the poundage has very slowly slipped away, my physique still resembles that of a fluffy body pillow. Which is why, on Jan 1st of this year, I purchased a barre class package, in the hopes that I would become a hot girl and be able to peddle teeth whitening products on Instagram. And now, a mere 5 months later, I have started using it.
That’s right. This bitch worked out this morning.
Last night, as I was making, you guessed it, cauliflower fried rice, I realized it was time to up my game. I mean, I’ve been biding my time in this healthy prison for the past year, and sure, I can finally wear a two piece to the pool again without someone calling animal control, but it’s not like I’m a regulation hottie. Not yet, at least. There’s not an ab in sight, and my ass in yoga pants aren’t going to stop traffic. So, as I sat on the couch, hunched over my bowl of fake carbs and watching my pre-game husband play Fork Knife, it hit me: It was time to give exercise a shot.
I pulled up the barre app, signed up for a 7:15 a.m. class, and immediately regretted my decision. You see, the 12-hour threshold to cancel had already passed, which means that the second I clicked “book class” in a moment of weakness, I was agreeing to a 6 a.m. wake-up involving my sad breakfast of eggs and a lot of complaining before heading to the third circle of hell.
And yes, it was, in fact, a nightmare.
If you’ve never done a bar class, good on you because that shit is pure torture. My legs are already seizing up and there’s no way I’ll be able to lift my arms to take off this sweaty ass shirt. I’ll either have to be cut out, or I’m living in it. But none of that matters. It doesn’t matter that I spent most of the class laying on my mat in the back corner, pretending to be doing planks with the rest of the skinny bitches, when I was actually just laying there like a beached whale.
That only thing that matters, is I went to a workout class this morning. And I am, officially, better than all of you.
I never understood the whole “morning exercising” thing. I mean, I’ve never understood the whole exercising thing in general, but still. In the morning? Are you INSANE? In college, I would wander into the gym sometime between noon and 2 p.m. (or whenever E! was showing a Sex and the City marathon, so I could lazily pump my legs while getting frustrated at how annoying Carrie is 90 percent of the time). But mornings? Those are for laying in bed, scrolling through Instagram, and denying your SO sex. Morning aren’t for cardio.
But it turns out, as much as I hate to admit it, I was wrong. Not about working out, this shit still sucks ball. No, what I was wrong about was morning exercise in general. The whole “waking up while it’s still dark outside, pulling into a near-empty parking lot, making eye contact with other sad souls in the studio or gym who are just as convinced as you are that if you become fractionally hotter, your life will be better” thing. That is truly the secret to success.
And it’s not because I limped out of there with a chiseled stomach. Hell, it’s not even because I got a rush of endorphins after sweating out the entire bottle of soy sauce I had dumped on my flavorless dinner the night before. No, the reason it’s the secret to a happy life is because those who complete morning workouts have the rest of the day to brag about it to everyone else. The second I got home I texted my best friend and my mom saying how hard the class was. I Snapchatted people pictures of my sweat. I made a big deal about sitting down in my morning meeting, making sure to mention that my quads were sore from the intense workout I had completed this morning.
I was, no, I am, officially, a morning workout douchebag, and I have NEVER felt more alive. Now to just keep it up for the next sixty-ish years of my life, and we’ll be set..
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
I bring a “gym” bag to work and let people assume what they will. It’s filled with snacks.
Sup?
You gals must be hungry
..for a snack that comes with snacks
Blair was always the brightest in her class.
Seconding that Sup
Who the hell wants to live to 80+? Train hard so you can get laid, do questionable things on weekends and leave a sexy-ass corpse.
Folks, having a sexy ass corpse is the goal. That’s what Billy Joel was really trying to say in “only the good die young”. Necrophiliacs have feelings too, alright and in a world where everyone is constantly offended those people need to realize this fact and become more woke and accepting than they propose themselves to be on Twitter lol
Very nived-esque comment. I approve
What kind of carry over does this attitude and entitlement have? I went on a 20 minute run last week, am I still superior?
Afterburn? No, it’s called the afterbrag.
1 minute:1 day ratio. You still have ~2weeks left to brag.
Texas Heat gets you 1.5 if he ran outside
Post work runs are the best way to de-stress. Love my snooze button too much to workout in the morning
My soulmate
Does walking my (rescue) dog count as a morning workout?
It’s better than not doing it
Better than walking your (breeder) dog
Per my Fitbit, you burn a surprisingly amount of calories by simply walking for 45 minutes.
Do you have a specific diet plan you follow/exercise regime you recommend? Ya girl leaves the house at 6:30 AM to be at work by 8:00 AM and doesn’t get home until 7:30 PM. I hit my rock bottom this week, and I desperately need tips on how to fit in a workout/lose weight as a desk jockey.
Salads, spaghetti squash and zucchini noodle meals with baked chicken. I’m not a big dressing person, so that cuts out a decent amount of calories. If you aren’t / don’t have the time to workout all the time, stay away from carbs because that’ll only turn into added lbs since you aren’t burning the energy. But honestly, 30 minutes of cardio is better than nothing. It sucks but on occasion I’ll get home at 8 and just suck it up and go for a run.
I need to get one of those noodle making things. Thank you!
It’s called a vagetti. My grandma did not like me laughing at the gift name at secret Santa.
I honestly just choked on my lunch reading that. That’s hilarious.
Target! I didn’t get the one @associateprojectmonster recommends, but it’s held up pretty well
If you ever feel like balling out, instead of dressing on salads try guacamole. It’s delicious, and those extra calories are actually getting you some solid nutrients.
Chicken and broccoli, and a high fiber carb here and there. If you are okay with eating the same thing every day, you will lose the weight. And when you do give yourself a cheat day it’s glorious. Shake shack after a week of the same shit is like heroin.
Hey I have the same terrible hours and a reflection of myself allowed me to hit rock bottom a few months ago. I’ve honestly just stopped eating “crap” (nothing fried, no sodas or teas, no snacks, nothing major) and running a mile or two MAYBE twice a week and you’d be shocked how the weight falls off. Take advantage of our still (kinda) young metabolism while you can.
No snacks?? Like, at all?? I love snacks 🙁
Yes. Sadly. I’m a huge snack guy but after a week or so the insane craving goes away. Just don’t break down and sneak some chocolates into the bathroom like an addict
What about dark chocolate or apples with peanut butter or carrots or something? I’m panicking, literally no snacks??
I’d say eat a healthy snack if you’re hungry, but it varies from person to person. I’ve found that if I’m starving at 3 pm with nothing to eat, I’m way more likely to order Chinese delivery as I’m leaving work so the delivery guy is there shortly after I get home rather than cooking a healthy meal. Even if I have already prepared food, not having healthy snacks readily available makes a trip to the vending machine or drugstore way more likely.
dammit now I want Chinese food for dinner
I accidentally Meh’d that, I meant to upvote it, someone help her out.
Yeah, I’m not saying like pound back an entire bushel of celery or something, but I thought that five small meals a day was supposed to be a thing, or three smalls meals and snacks.
NONE. You gotta break the habit. Just this week I’ve started “snacking” on these “pretzel crisp” things. You can have 12 for 80 calories. But really, I’m the biggest snacker and now that I just didn’t have anything at all for several weeks my cravings are gone.
You can do 90% cacao dark chocolate. There’s no way to overeat because 1 square of that is all you can handle.
That sounds like a brutal commute. See if there’s a gym super close to your office you can go to on your lunch break, and definitely get into the meal prep game on weekends.
I spend anywhere from 2 1/2 – 3 hours a day in the car. I live in a rural area, and job availability for my work experience was only available in a city a bit away. There’s a planet fitness close by, but I’m worried about the sweating thing.
I was worried about the same thing and never would work out at lunch but I just set the treadmill to 3.5 to 4 mph and read on my kindle for 40-45 minutes and tell myself that it’s better than nothing.
That’s brilliant. I’ll give it a go.
Definitely suggest trying to find a gym close to work. It helps with my commute time when I workout before or after work so I’m driving at more off times. Or just wake up 20 mins earlier and go for a run/walk a few days/wk to get some more activity in.
I think the waking up a little earlier or doing it when I get home may have to be the go-to’s, unless I can sneak something in at lunch. I’m awful about meal prep, but I probably need to learn how.
I get up at 5 to workout and commute to work by 8:30. Not easy but doable if you’re committed
No joke, give Crossfit a shot. A buddy dragged me into the gym he goes to like a year ago and it turned out awesome. Most have early/late options specifically for people like us and the workouts are almost always done in an hour including warm up and cool down. Between that and a kinda extreme version of IF diet, down over 30lbs in the last year despite being on/off the bandwagon more times than my “sports” friend during March Madness.
CrossFit is great if you want to have a destroyed body in your 40s. I’m not trying to knock on you but I’ve read some articles and talked to some folks who used to be into it and suffered some serious injuries that doctors related directly to the type of workout. Also, my brother is a prime example so I’ve seen it first hand. But also, I’m not an expert and anyone can do anything they want. Stay blessed folks
I definitely appreciate the input, but I’ve had a pretty significant knee surgery that puts me in the non-impact exercise category. I don’t know if Crossfit is impact or not, but I’ve also heard of a lottt of injuries attributed to it.
I am training for a marathon and am working out more than ever. And yes, I’ll go on and on about it like the insufferable runner girl I am.
But for real – anyone who makes it to the gym, regardless of time, good on you.
That is worth the brag which race are you training for?
Chicago! My third marathon but first one in three years. My body already hates me and only 4 weeks into it haha
That’s awesome! I’m training for the Marine Corps Marathon in DC! I’m about to ~officially~ start training the week after the 4th and my body is already angry. You’re gonna crush it!
Oh I have heard awesome things about that one! It is on my list! Good luck training! You’ll crush it. I forgot how hard summer training can be which is scaring me a little haha. Is this your first?
Second! I ran my first one four years ago and have been in and out of running up until a year ago. Girl I know I live in Tampa and I cringe stepping into the fresh humidity even at 6 AM.
Morning gym = free evenings to lose all your gains aka hang out with friends
I fucking love the superior feeling of a morning workout and casually brining it up to coworkers as they complain in the lunch room. That said today I was supposed to go cause I haven’t in a few days due and absolutely didn’t and I feel like a useless bag of shit.
Also Carrie is 100% the worst part of SATC and just an annoying character.
stock photo, would.