I Should’ve Gone To The University Of Colorado

I Should've Gone To CU Boulder

A while back, I lamented the fact that I did not attend Arizona State University. These conversations come up from time-to-time, because that’s what happens when you settle down in life. It’s part of the growing process. Deal with it. Well, I stand by that declaration, but after months of research and a trip through the great state of Colorado, a new apple has caught my eye. The University of Colorado-Boulder.

Where do I begin? Let’s do some climate talk. First of all, you’re getting all four seasons, which you’re just not getting at most other schools I didn’t attend but kind of wish that I had (Looking at you, Ole Miss and ASU). This is huge if you’re a big fan of putting off an outdoorsy vibe all year long. Vests, pullovers, field jackets, quarter-zips, chacos and baggies are all getting heavy playing time. Summers in Boulder are mild, but you don’t have to worry about humidity. As someone who interned in Houston during the most hellish summer of all time, this is a major plus. Maybe it’s me, but navigating life with a noticeable film of oil and constantly worrying about visible swamp ass is not how I want to spend four five summers.

And let’s not sleep on the women:

Boulder is basically USC East. I have no clue if this young woman is from California, but she probably is. If she’s not, her hot friends most certainly are. Outside of SMU, I have to believe that CU has the highest percentage of transplant Cali girls that I’d like to strikeout with than any other university. And they’re probably slightly less pretentious, too. Someone should research that.


Haha that’s awesome girls. So unique. The Chainsmokers even say Boulder in that one song! You don’t get referenced in a Chainsmokers song unless you’re stocked full of top-tier talent.

The roommate back in Boulder. #TFM

A photo posted by 🎃 TFM Halloween 🎃 (@tfmhalloween) on

Yeah, the Buffs have been low-key putting out Instagram fire for a while, and we’ve all been too busy with Arizona schools to notice. No more.

The bar scene is stacked. I’m fairly certain I should avoid showing my face on Pearl Street for at least four years. I seem to remember there being a strip club with an alley entrance. Is that still there? We tried to go last time I visited, but apparently even the sleaziest booby bar bouncers have to say no sometimes. Probably for the best. The Sink? Great beers. I think I had a burger there and it saved my life. I also seem to remember venturing over to The Hill and feeling old AF. I have to believe that would’ve been my scene during the first few years of undergrad. Then maybe I’d calm down a bit and start hitting up The Dark Horse or Sundown Saloon. Never been, but my buddy calls it Scumdown Saloon, so it sounds like my scene.

Next, let’s talk about that vaunted Buffs football resurgence. Sure, the team would have still been trash during my hypothetical years of attendance, but let’s not worry about that. The fact is, they’re not a doormat anymore. So that has to mean they’ve got a respectable tailgate scene, right? I know the Pac-12 isn’t known for going tits out for tailgate, but I have to assume they’re riding this hot streak for as long as possible. The more I think about it, I can’t imagine hypothetically attending any school that doesn’t have a respectable football program. I know Harvard looks good on the resume, but I’m trying to get hammered on a Saturday morning while wearing a fleece vest, mother fucker!

Finally, how about this pot stuff? I’ve dabbled, and I’m not completely sure it’s for me, but I’d at least like to have the option. I’ve got a buddy who swears by CBD oil. No clue what that is, but I’m down to give it a shot. Lookout, Boulder. Daddy’s coming.

Image via Shutterstock

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