I Refuse To Watch “Frozen”

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After about the millionth time of hearing the song “Let It Go,” I decided I’d had enough. I literally have no idea what the movie is about, nor do I really care at this point. I watched the trailer and literally skimmed the one paragraph breakdown on a Google search for the sake of this rant. All it looks like is a bullshit, CGI-animated musical by Disney, a company where quality peaked in the 1990s. I stubbornly refuse to ever watch this trash, and this is why.

I don’t want to build a fucking snowman, let alone name one and have it follow me around wherever I go. I live in the Sun Belt for a reason, and snowmen are just big blobs of frozen water with buttons for noses and carrots for penises. What’s a snowman going to do for you if you need its help anyway? His weakness is anything warmer than thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit. Is someone who can get killed by a blowdryer (or even just sunlight) really going to be able to save you if shit hits the fan? No way. Besides, why would a snowman want to help bring back the summer? Is he suicidal? Does he want to die of natural causes rather than suicide? Maybe he can “accidentally” fall in a fire the main characters build to keep warm. Fuck snowmen, I’m rooting for global warming. #NoAllSnowmen

And why would I want to watch some princess(?) trek across the tundra with some mountain dude singing shit every 20 minutes to stop some spoiled, blonde, magical bitch from freezing the kingdom during a temper tantrum? You know what the tundra is? It’s fucking cold. I don’t sing in the cold. I curse and shiver and try to get indoors as quickly as possible. If I had to trek across a frozen wasteland to save a kingdom, I’d probably say fuck it and head south where it’s warm and I could drink cold beer on the beach. The only saving grace is that they brought along a reindeer, but knowing Disney, I’m sure that reindeer never becomes a delicious burger. A reindeer is not a pet. It’s food. These people are frozen and would likely die.

The songs are probably the worst part. When I was a kid, Disney songs were at least acceptable. The mindless obsession with the song “Let It Go” makes me want to rupture my own ear drums so I can never hear it. I’ve heard parts of it, and I’d rather listen to an entire Randy Newman concert than ever hear that song again. And now grown people are singing the songs? Give me a break. Disney songs are for the enjoyment of children.

I’m in my twenties, and I see no reason to watch this joke of a movie. It looks completely ridiculous and based on what I’ve seen, it should be renamed “White People and Suicidal Snowmen Hate the Cold.” Stop with the obsession over this farce and let it go.

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5OClockShadow

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