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As someone who is used to taking the unpopular position, I totally understand any of you who read the title of this column and thought, ‘What a freaking moron.’ At first glance, this seems like a masochistic opinion, or a way to justify my own actions by saying that I’m fine if it is done to me. Wrong. Before you judge me for taking this controversial stand, hear me out. At the end of the day, ghosting is just a brutally rational decision, and that’s okay.
The argument against ghosting always goes something along the lines of “show some common decency and at least talk to them if you’re not interested.” Five years ago, I might have agreed with you, but as I’ve waded my way through the ultra thin, lubricated, ribbed waters of the bikini waxed world of modern dating, my opinion on the matter has changed completely.
At the end of the day, if someone isn’t interested in you, what is there left to say? The copy-and-pasted “sorry, I just didn’t feel a connection, good luck!?” What the heck does that even accomplish? What the heck does that even mean? It’s a first date. Are we so desperate to feel some romanticized rom-com love at first sight that we bolt if our date isn’t perfect? I don’t want to sit around for that half-assed explanation.
That’s what it ultimately will be. You really only have two choices when it comes to lack of interest. You can either get ghosted in any of its forms, including the slow-fade, or you can ask why. Oh, yes, asking why someone wasn’t interested in you should make it so much better. Let them tell you everything that’s wrong with you if they so desire. It may even lead to an argument. Sounds like fun to me. What’s life without meaningless conflict? And none of that will change their mind—their mind is made up. Roll with it. Nothing they have to say will do you any benefit. “You’re a great guy/girl but…” rings hollow. “I didn’t feel a connection” sounds like bullshit. “I’m looking for something long term and I don’t think you are” will just lead to an argument. Or a restraining order. That chick is the one that will Lorena Bobbitt you.
Rejection sucks in any form. You can’t win them all. Luckily, our Animal Planet-esque hump-and-dump-until-you-find-your-chump dating world only requires you to win once. There truly are plenty of fish in the sea. Enough to give you mercury poisoning. No use getting an explanation as to why someone isn’t interested in you. That’s the quickest way to get hung up on someone you’ll never have. If you don’t hear from the person, fine, you didn’t mean much to them in the first place, which means they aren’t worth your time.
Getting ghosted really isn’t a bad thing. You really, really don’t need to know the real reason why someone wasn’t into you and you don’t need to waste your energy asking. Unless you are on some self-transformational therapeutic search for yourself, in which case you probably shouldn’t be near anyone’s parts. I certainly don’t want to know, I’m happy with who I am. So good luck everyone, but sorry, I didn’t feel a connection..
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@5OClockShadow_
If you don’t even make it to a half-dozen dates I wouldn’t even call it ghosting. I’d call it fizzling. Plus, fizzle rhymes with sizzle, which is what happens when there IS a genuine connection and a chance at romance, so you have a Fizzle-Sizzle spectrum and life is less complicated. (and rhymes more)
I get paid $69 an hour to bang Pamela Peavey. Made $0.69 so far.
So can we maybe be done with ghosting articles now? And just let people do whatever they want the cause that’s what they’re going to do anyway?
3 more and the quota will be met for the week. Buckle up.
I think it depends on the situation. If all you two did was get a drink or two and go your separate ways then sure, ghosting isn’t that big of a deal. But if you’ve been on a bunch of dates and have slept together then it’s a dick/bitch move.
*slow clap* getting ghosted means I don’t have to be an asshole and I like that
I feel like it’s more to save my time/energy. To go out 3-4 times then play a week or two of “sorry I’m busy” or “another time” has me asking is this over or am I just being sinister. I don’t care why they aren’t interested I just want to know if there’s any future (a next date).
Is there a timeframe wherein this remains acceptable? I’ve just been ghosted after 3 months and I think I’d prefer the thanks but no thanks flick
Agreed. Nothing worse than someone asking “why?” when you do send them a text ending something.
People should never ask why. It’s over, you’re not going to change their mind when they’ve been thinking this for awhile and if you do you’re just prolonging the inevitable. Take rejection with dignity and bow out, and they may even realize what they were missing.
Whoa, I needed this today. Thanks.
I agree with you! If there was never a commitment there, please spare me the awkward conversation wherein you’re probably going to lie to me anyway. I lived with guys and saw/heard the often ridiculous reasons they ghosted girls (including bad breath, annoying laugh, lingering, etc) and I don’t WANT to know those things. Ignorance is truly bliss sometimes.
It’s better in the long run. It prevents unnecessary feelings that result in regrettable actions when the end of the story has already been written.
“It’s better to burn out than to fade away” Neil Young