I Go Running Outside To Be Seen And You’re A Liar If You Say You’re Any Different

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It’s 6:00 p.m. on a Wednesday night and I have just arrived home from work. The suit I’ve been wearing all day hasn’t been dry cleaned in over a month, and when it’s this hot outside you can tell. A day of walking around in the elements standing shoulder to shoulder with people on busy train cars and on the street has taken it’s toll.

The sweat from previous times you’ve worn this suit mixed with today’s fresh batch of body odor comes together to make a unique stew.

It’s rotten and sweet and the feeling I get from finally being able to take it off is almost orgasmic. There aren’t many feelings quite as good as taking off a pair of trousers after a long day in the cubicle.

By 6:30 p.m. I’ve had a snack and I have finally finished the laborious task that is lacing up my running shoes. It’s time for a workout. I step out from my air conditioned brownstone and the hot air from outside feels like a warm bath.

Almost instantaneously I begin to sweat again, and with my pre-loaded running playlist, I begin my light jog around the neighborhood.

Ten minutes into the run and I’m pouring sweat again just like I was earlier in the day with that goddamn suit on.

I haven’t had anything to drink since last Saturday night and it feels good to not feel alcohol seeping out of my pores. Twenty minutes into the run and I begin to ask myself why I decided to go on this jog in the first place. I could have just went to the gym and done this on a treadmill.

Deep in my subconscious though I know exactly why I went on a run outside. I decided an outdoor run would be nice despite the fact that the humidity is close to 100% and the temperature is hovering around 80 degrees.

I wanted to be seen. Oh, yes. It was hard to admit it to myself when I started to think about why I run outside but it’s true.

Terrell Owens said it best when he screamed, “I love me some me.” We’re all full of ourselves whether we admit it or not. And if you don’t love yourself that’s a whole other problem.

Human beings are vain by nature. It’s only natural to stand in front of a mirror and say things to yourself like “goddamn, I look good” or “sup.”

You can sit there all day long and tell me that you enjoy running outside because of the health benefits you read about in a magazine at your dentist’s office but I won’t believe you.

The pain in your knees from running on pavement feels good to you, right? The shin splints, shortness of breath, and feeling like you could collapse from heat exhaustion at any moment?

That’s why you’re running outside killing yourself every week? Bullshit.

Cut the crap, man. Girls and guys alike run outside to give off a free sample. It’s a peep show and you’re the star. We go running outside because we want people to stare at us.

That’s why I run outside after work and that’s why you do too. It feels good to finally admit that. I mean look at that asshole in the picture for this article. You think that maniac went out on a jog because he wanted to? Hell no. He wanted girls to look at that sick windbreaker and debate internally about whether or not he has a girlfriend.

I actually loathe running and working out in general, but I do it three or four times a week because 1. people-watching is one of my favorite sports and I can do it freely when I’m jogging on pavement and 2. I can show off the goods for random passersby.

Let’s just stop with the facade and be real. We’re all egomaniacs and that’s okay.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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