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“Hey man, I’m about to go to the deli. Do you want to come?”
“Nah, sorry, I’m not really hungry yet.”
This is a daily interaction between me and my ex-lunch buddy. I say ex, because, well, we aren’t getting lunch together anymore. When I first started working here, we went and got lunch. We started getting lunch together almost every day. Even on the days when I was good and packed my lunch, sometimes I would still go out and get lunch with my lunch buddy. As our relationship grew, it soon worsened, and I needed an out. How do you just tell someone “Hey I don’t want to get lunch with you anymore?” It’s not easy and it’s definitely not something that I wanted to do. So I did what I do best. I ghosted the shit out of my lunch buddy.
There’s a few reasons why this needed to happen. Have you ever heard of misophonia? I have it bad, especially around loud eaters. My ex-lunch buddy is a rather loud eater. Not just loud, though. He eats like a cow. Lips smacking, food falling out, all the noises, makes a mess, and even regurgitates his food. Every single meal is the same. Buys food. Eats food at a rapid pace. Makes a lot of noises while eating food as fast as possible. Chugs water to wash down indigested food. Throws up said food that was just consumed in the trash can. All of this takes about 5 minutes. My ex-lunch buddy also goes to the same place to get lunch every single day. Monday through Friday, every week of the year, the guy goes to the same deli to get lunch. I hate that deli. I just couldn’t do it anymore, so I ghosted.
Some of you are probably thinking why did I stay lunch buddies with him so long? Why did I put myself through all of that? I had no escape. He’s my office mate. Eventually I started to lose my mind. I started to pack my lunch and come up with lame excuses why I couldn’t go with him to get lunch that day. Then the misophonia got so bad that I had to start going for an office lap every time that he ate lunch because he always brings it back. I got tired of leftovers and PB&J’s, so I went looking for a new lunch buddy and found the perfect one.
Now my routine is great. As soon as my office mate leaves for lunch, I go to my new lunch buddy’s office and make plans. Then I go back and sit in my office until the ex returns from lunch. Once he starts his whole lunch ordeal, I dip out without saying a word. I go get lunch with my new lunch buddy and bring it back and eat in her office. She has an extra desk in her office with boxes stacked on it, and I hide behind those every time in the off chance my ex-lunch buddy comes walking by and spots me. So far, so good.
I feel awful for ghosting people in the past, but I’m really not sorry at all about this one. I can’t tell my office mate that his eating habits drive me crazy. I can’t attack a man like that. It’s not like I’m cheating on him either, because I’ve completely cut off all lunch relations with him. I moved on and found a new lunch buddy, who actually has nice conversations with me instead of inhaling all the food like a Dyson. As I write this, I timed my office mate eating an apple. 37 seconds. And then he asked to borrow some napkins because he made a mess. I can’t anymore.
Sorry dude. It’s not me, it’s you..
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