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So after spending a solid portion of last week peeing out of my ass, I decided to go to the doctor to see what the fuck was wrong with me. Much to my dismay, I was given the news that I have a gluten allergy, and I would have rather heard Zika than that. So now I’m one of those people. I’m the guy who has to ask every waiter, party host, or hungover friend ordering a pizza on a Saturday whether or not there is a gluten free option available. The one who can’t drink beer at the barbecue. The one who can’t eat from that shady pizza place at 3 a.m. I’m so fucked.
You know how much this will fuck up my life? I live for gluten; it’s the best. My body was made on gluten. Everything with gluten in it tastes amazing. You know what doesn’t taste amazing? Kale, grilled chicken, and mother fucking quinoa. As a fat guy there is no worse fate than being sentenced to a life of gluten intolerance. I’ve built my life on a love for junk food; cheez-its, late-night chinese food, and buffalo wings (with ranch) have been staples of my life from the jump, and now it’s all gone. From here on out I will be subjected to a life of repression and misery. A life of hipster restaurants, Whole Foods, and hard cider. Has anyone ever spent a night drinking Angry Orchard? The diabetic shock is worse than the actual hangover. The only plus side is that I’ll have a built-in excuse to drink whiskey exclusively with little-to-no judgement, hopefully.
So what do I do? Say fuck it and just live a life of liquid shits? Not eat? Fuck myself? I’m a lost soul who is about to enter this scary new world. I have a wedding in 2 weeks and now have to wonder whether or not I can even eat. I’m from Chicago, and they don’t account for that shit in the midwest. It’s considered a hippy myth along with diabetes. It’s also the peak of summer baseball, and there is no way I can make it through a Cubs game without a hot dog and a few Budweisers. It just wouldn’t feel right. What will my dad say? Can I still come to Christmas? Do I have to change my last name? The questions are endless.
The only promise I will make is that I will not talk about my new ailment (aside from this column). I cannot and will not become that guy; another statistic as a gluten free fuckboy who won’t shut his damn mouth up about his new “lifestyle.” It’s the express train to becoming an L-7 weenie with no friends, not that I like I like my friends that much anyway but they’re all I’ve got. And I sure as shit won’t roll with a gluten free crowd. I’d rather move to Cleveland. If anyone has any advice for your boy, please let me know. I’d also gladly except gifts in the form of probiotics and Imodium, dealers choice..
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@TheKevinC__
@TheKevinC__
Best opening line in PGP history.
What can I say? It just kind of slipped out of me
**spewed
Molasses out of a garden hose.
Also, so peeing in butts TFM, peeing out of your butt PGP? Got it
There’s an off-the-shelf medication you can purchase without a prescription that will combat the effect gluten has on your system. I’ve heard you just pop a pill before you eat the food containing gluten and you’re all good.
The downside is that it can be a bit pricey, but can you really put a price on the ability to eat gluten?
I too am glutarded and one of my close friends is glutarded. Heineken original is the only beer that we don’t shit out. It’s also in most ballparks if you find the right vendor. You can thank me later.
More gluten for the rest of us.
Sorry for your misfortune. I don’t mind people with gluten allergies, it’s more that I mind those with faux-gluten allergies. I knew this guy who acted like he was gluten intolerant, but he would do the “diet thing” where he would proclaim he would stop eating gluten next month, then after his birthday, then after New Years. I always thought “Hmm if you’re ALLERGIC, then maybe you should stop right now?”
I get the liquid shits too, but I think it’s more related to my bad diet and gross amount of beer/whiskey I drink. At least you got options for gluten-free beer now.
Just fight it. Don’t give in. It’s too terrible of a fate to just accept it.
Dude don’t worry. As someone who clearly loves to see the positive in every situation possible, this is a good thing. If you keep eating gluten, you’ll keep shitting which will keep your body weight reasonably low as you get older. It will be like having a hidden eating disorder but instead you just throw up out of your asshole and you won’t have to worry about bad breath, stained teeth, and hiding gut wrenching tacking noises in public. You’ll be the skinny in shape 50 year old that all the divorcees wanna bang. Add workouts in with that diet and you’ll be unstoppable. Strive for the long haul brother and shit your way to excellence, crush pizza and beer and make everyone else jealous of you not gaining weight.
My wife has a gluten allergy as well and we’re still getting used to it since she was diagnosed just a few months ago. There are some gluten free beers that aren’t terrible but as a whiskey/bourbon lover, definitely go with the latter. If you’re a sushi person, go buy gluten free soy sauce. Learned that one the hard way. Careful with noodles too. I’ve had gluten free mac and cheese and it was actually a pretty good alternative
I know it’s far from the top but Corona Light is gluten free. Hope this helps and better luck in the future
Corona Light isn’t totally GF, it just doesn’t have a lot. People with bad allergies and Celiac need to stay away still