I’m a victim of a stereotype. While stereotypes are often incorrect, ignorant, and downright insulting, this one is true in my case. I’m not averse to admitting that because it’s who I am. It’s who I was raised as. It’s in my blood.
I’m a generic white guy, and I know not what I do.
I recently hate-clicked Thought Catalog’s recent piece, 11 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re A Generic White Guy, and thought to myself before reading, “Well, I bet this will be inaccurate and a misrepresentation of generic white guys far and wide.”
But I was wrong. It was correct. And I had to further confront that I am, in fact, the most generic of generic white guys.
1. Use a North Face backpack, even though you’re no longer 12.
Your mom bought it for you in 7th grade, and even though you got the most use out of it when you were sneaking water bottles of vodka into concerts throughout high school, you best believe you’re still going to be slugging this thing over your shoulder for the rest of your life.
Last night, I had a conversation with my girlfriend’s sister’s boyfriend that began with the sentence, “Dude, backpacks are pretty sick,” as we looked at Patagonia’s website deciding whether or not he should purchase the 20-liter backpack and the 30-liter backpack. When his girlfriend asked, “Seriously, what the hell do you need a backpack for?” Our only answers were traveling and skiing which, in hindsight, aren’t that great of answers. But how else are you supposed to get your pint of Fireball to the top of the mountain if you’re not towing it in a sick ‘pack?
2. Kick shit as you’re walking.
Empty can on the sidewalk? Kick it. A rock? Kick it. There’s a pigeon kinda walking close to you? Kick it. Someone left broken furniture on the street outside of their apartment? AND you’re kinda tipsy? Kick it.
You know what’s more fun than throwing shit away? Kicking shit. Nothing compares to a good game of “Kick The Can.” There’s no better feeling than rocketing a stone off your boot that forty yards down the street and inevitably ends up denting the bumper of a foreign car while you scream, “Born in the USA!” Kicking shit is as American as apple pie and being as loud as possible when you and five of your buddies enter a bar letting everyone know, “We dominate.”
3. Wrestle your friends—but, like, only when you’re drunk and bored and when it just makes sense to do so in the moment.
Look, you know that when Zander gets drunk, he’s gonna want to fight you. He’s going to chug his eleventh Bud Light, tear his shirt off, and then try to crush your face into the ground. It’s fun—don’t think about it too much—nothing about it is erotic—everything is fine.
Oh, man, I’ll never forget the time Drew, Todd, Max, and I parlayed a push-up contest with an arm wrestling contest right after. I’ll tell you what – my dogs were barkin’ for about a week after that night. There’s something about drunk fighting that always makes your muscles hurt more. It’s probably just because your muscles are more dehydrated when you’re attempting to recover the next day, but I’d like to think that I get superhuman strength when I’m six whiskeys deep and The Band is playing on the stereo.
4. Destroy random objects for no reason.
Someone has a lighter? Uh, yeah, a bunch of shit is about to be set on fire. And, yeah, you’re going to saw a lacrosse ball in half just to see what the inside looks like.
If you think I’m going to feel shamed for having an exploratory mind, you’re kiddin’ yourself, sister. If The Magic Schoolbus and Carmen Sandiego taught me anything, it’s that I should never stop exploring and learning new things. If that means shooting a bottle rocket into a bag of Doritos at 2 a.m., then so be it. If it means I need to see what happens when I throw an old box television off a third story balcony after an afternoon of day-drinking and watching football, then I’m going to see what happens when I throw an old box television off a third story balcony after an afternoon of day-drinking and watching football.
5. Correct people that it’s actually a longboard, not a skateboard.
You cringe whenever Sarah berates you and is all, “Spencer, did you actually just skateboard here?” because it’s pretty obvious that you’ve been shredding the gnar with a longboard. Longboards are, like, way easier to control on turns.
I mean, my technical days of doing kickflips and pop-shove-its are behind me, though. Skateboards are simply too loud for me when I’m trying to get some perspective by longboarding down an oceanside road while listening to Incubus. Skateboarding is a sport you take up when you’re a destructive 13-year-old who just bought his first blink-182 CD using his mom’s credit card – longboarding is a lifestyle and a mentality.
6. Talk about how “fucking badass” Anthony Bourdain is.
You’ve seen one full season of “No Reservations,” so now you spend an extra 15 minutes searching restaurants on Yelp before picking a place to eat tacos.
You mean like here?
7. Repeatedly Instagram a photo of you and 3-4 friends all in a line on a golf course.
It’s a source of perpetual Existential crises, because you’re not even sure if you actually like golf. Or the people you’re playing golf with.
You mean like here?
8. Be unnecessarily competitive and loud while playing beer pong.
You just need to make it clear that you drank in high school, so you’ve got a solid decade or so of experience under your belt. So, watch your fucking elbows, Rob.
Please, beer pong is so early twenties. If you’re really trying to rally the troops and get everyone in game mode, everyone knows you need to engage in some flip cup. And how will Rachel know she needs to go faster if I’m not screaming in her face to the point where she can’t tell if it’s beer splashing off the table onto her face or if that’s just my spit? And how will Colin know that he’s doing a good job if I’m not chest to chest with him screaming, “That’s what’s up! That’s what’s up!” Exactly.
9. Throw up the middle finger in pictures.
Epitome of chill. It’s so annoying that girls do the same pose in every photo they take.
Okay, I’ll stop. But in my defense, if you don’t remember posting the Instagram, you’re not liable for anything you’re doing in said Instagram.
10. Confidently talk about things you don’t know anything about.
You couldn’t possibly understand what Jenny is going through, but that’s certainly not going to stop you from telling her how to deal with it. She’s dealing with sexism in the workplace? You were once picked second-to-last for pick-up basketball and it was equally as devastating.
In the same mentality as “look good, play good,” you can pretty much get away with saying anything in a public setting if you use a condescending tone and add a slight laughter to the tailend of the sentence while beginning the sentence with “Everyone knows that…” I just did it a few paragraphs ago and you said to yourself, “You know what? You’re right – the best way to get a party started is by playing some flip cup” when deep down you know that you never play flip cup anymore.
11. Wear a lot of vests.
Once that temperature hits below 70 degrees, you delicately unearth your coveted LL Bean vest from the inner depths of your closet and feel alive again. You feel the familiar power coursing through your veins—the kind of energy that can only come from wearing something sleeveless. At last.
I’d contest this, but tbh, I’m too vest to be stressed. And there’s a leather and suede vest draped over the office chair I’m sitting in while I write this because, as I said, I’m a generic white guy who knows not what he does. .
[via Thought Catalog]
Image via KJP Tumblr