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I stood third in line for the Amtrak customer service desk at Chicago’s Union Station. The customer that was being helped was dirty. Long hair, worn pants, gray New Balance sneakers that had clearly once been white. His voice was gruff, and it was obvious that the customer service agent was having a rough time helping this guy. He seemed like a real Frank Gallagher type, the kind of person who would do horrible things to make some money, only to spend it on booze and drugs for himself.
When they printed out his ticket, the guy turned around and shouted to the line, “WOO HOO! SO LONG, KENOSHA, I’M HEADING TO CALIFORNIA!”
“Well,” I thought to myself, “I guess this is my life now.”
You see, I’m on my way to St. Louis for a wedding this weekend. I don’t trust my car to make it down there on its own, and I can’t bring myself to justify flying there. I didn’t want to fuck with the bus system, either. I’ve had nothing short of horrible experiences on those, from my seat partner trying to sell me meth to watching a fart dissipate from the front of the bus to the back.
So, train it was. I’ve never traveled on the Amtrak before, and when I thought of what that kind of experience would entail, two thoughts popped into my head.
The first was a vision that took me back in time. It was the second the train left the station, I was a character in the classic Coen brothers movie, O’ Brother, Where Art Thou? Dozens of men, both young and old, all wearing dirty overalls sprinting next to the tracks, trying to hop on board and freeload a ride to the next city. Are they running from the law because they’re accused of a crime they didn’t commit? Are they trying to reunite with their long-lost wife? Who’s to say? All I can see is them with their belongings slung over their shoulders in those stick-bandana things, stealing pies every once in a while.
The other thought is probably more realistic. If we really think about it, trains are a relatively affordable transportation option. In my experience, affordable transportation options usually result in the aforementioned experiences, like your seat partner trying to sell you meth or the person taking up the bathroom having freshly murdered someone.
Needless to say, I was apprehensive.
The line at the gate wrapped around the entire waiting area. Having only ever been involved in a scene like this at an airport, I had a few concerns. Things like, will there be enough seats? Will I have to sit next to that guy who is clearly on heroin? Where do I check my bag?
The line started moving rapidly. I showed my ticket to a train equivalent of a flight attendant and she told me to walk down track 24 until I saw the conductor, and then keep going. Unenthusiastically, I hauled my bag down the line and followed the other passengers. The train must have been at least a hundred yards long. At the halfway point, the conductor asked me where I was heading and it was everything in my power not to take my sunglasses off and look at him with a 1000 yard stare and say, “Out of here.” But instead, I said, “St. Louis?” and he told me to keep walking.
As I hoisted my carry on into the train car, I looked around and had a shocking realization: I was completely wrong about pretty much everything. The car was full of other unenthused people heading to St. Louis who lived in Chicago and couldn’t justify buying a plane ticket. Stylish young people filled the seats, but there weren’t nearly enough to fill up the entire car.
And so here I am, sitting in what seems to be an exit row, alone. I can stretch my legs, use the seat next to me as a holding area for my backpack, charge my phone using the electrical outlet in my armrest, and watch the landscapes fly by through my giant fucking window.
The moral of the story: trains are fucking awesome. Next stop, St. Louis.
Well, actually, the next stop is Joliet. Then Dwight, then Plainville, then Springfield, and then St. Louis. .
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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No security, fully stocked drink car, free wi-fi with plugins..I’m all in on trains
Trains are also essentially BYOB, which can be nice.
Train beers are one of the best beers to have
So are planes (nips).
True, but TSA limits the amount of liquid you can bring on the plane. Amtrak has no such limits.
Took a luxury bus recently and it was a very similar and surprisingly pleasurable experience. All in on not having to go through security and wait on plane delays.
Literally just made my way to the food car in search of a bag of chips, came back with a turkey bacon wrap and a Heineken.
I recently heard of this so called luxury bus and word on the street is, it’s pretty luxurious. Care to confirm or deny?
For the past 4 years I’ve taken the Amtrak monthly from Chicago – Central IL. Stories range from my male seatmate (visual: college janitor, long blonde hair, red leather jacket) asking me out to a fast food mexican joint 20 min before our destination, getting drunk on miller lites on a Saturday morning because the 50 year old doctor next to me didn’t want to drink alone (leading to a very confused mother picking up her shamefully drunk daughter at the train station), and being given foreign candy to a soon to be stalker that followed me to my ride through the streets of Chicago. That is just a taste. Amtrak is an adventure in a class of its own.
Gonna need an article Terry
That $13 extra for business class from Champaign to Chicago is the easiest money I’ve ever spent.
You’ve convinced me to give trains a chance. They can’t be any worse than being crammed into a metal tube like sardines and flying through the air at hundreds of mile an hour, right?
Hell no. You can get up and walk anytime you want. Can walk up and down all the cars with the aisles 5 feet wide. Can also chill in the dining car booths for a change in scenery!
Trains are a pretty nice way to travel, but it’s insane how most of them are somehow just as if not more expensive than planes when you’re travelling in the Northeast Corridor. Unless you want to travel in the dead of night, at least.
Yup, I always curse myself for not buying Amtrak tix to NYC until the week before when they’ve tripled in price and cost half my monthly rent…megabus it is then
Amtrak > bus, obviously, but when it’s $50+ each way between NYC & Philly and only saves you 45-50 min, I’d rather just spend $10-15 bucks for a bus ticket. Plenty comfortable and just as easy to enjoy a few drinks to pass the time
Megabus to NYC Friday night when your happy/excited heading into the weekend
Amtrak back to Philly on Sunday when your deathly hungover form staying out till 4am in NYC
I didn’t know there were other PGPers in Philly besides myself. Good to know I’m not alone.
I did the R5 –> 30th st station –> Metro North Amtrak run more times than I can count frosh/soph yeah.
Taking the Train to NYC/Philly is preferable if I plan ahead. I work next to Union so I can easily hop on right after work, and I don’t have to drive while aggressively hungover when I return.
Little trick: if you go to SkyCap and have them take your bag(s) onto the train you get to board first. It just costs you the tip you give the guy. I’ve done this when I want a prime seat and don’t want to show up early to be first in line.
Another trick: bring your own wine or booze(the little box single containers), ask for a cup or two then pour your own wine or booze into the cups. Saves $$.
S/o the Soggy Bottom Boys
Trains are boss minus the fact they’re always 2 hours behind schedule