I Broke Up With A Guy Because He Refused To Stop Wearing Jerseys

I Broke Up With A Guy Because He Refused To Stop Wearing Jerseys

Bo Burnham has a song on his latest Netflix special called “Lower Your Expectations,” and while it’s genuinely funny, it’s got a lot of truth to it. If you want love, lower your expectations. Don’t expect someone else to be perfect because you’re not perfect. Lowering your expectations isn’t really the same thing as settling. Don’t settle. There’s no point in being purposely unhappy, and it’s okay to have your deal breakers.

So there’s my justification for bad behavior as way of article introduction. Let’s continue.

The guy and I had been dating on and off since May. It started out as just friends, but I’m a slutty drunk so I was bad-drinking out one night and kissed him in an Uber. From there, I told him multiple times that I didn’t really want to date him. He stuck around anyway, and while I lack several normal human emotions, I still hate being lonely. I thought if I was telling him things straight to his face that it was fine, but all I was really doing was sending mixed messages. Because slutty drunk never really goes away, and there is never a shortage of booze around.

We got far enough into a relationship where he told me that he gave up his Tuesday-Thursday FWB, and I actually believed him. But not far enough where I responded to every phone call or text message that he sent. Whatever stage of modern courtship you call that.

So there we are the other day, and I get a text at work about how expensive actual NFL jerseys are. I respond with “Of course, they are. Everyone’s got to get paid.” A minute passes, and I get a little nervous.

“You’re not buying a jersey, are you? You can only wear a jersey if you’re younger than the player, and even that is being generous.”

He said that the player at hand was 31. He was in the clear. I told him that it was still not okay. He refused to listen and said that he had no regrets. Then I got a picture of him in the jersey.

“Yeah, you should have regrets.”

I can’t really explain why a grown man in a jersey is so unappealing to me. I’m not a fashion person, and I’m generally open and accepting of expressing yourself and your style. I love sports, and I respect your fandom. But if I’m going to be associated with you and potentially introducing you to people on game day, please just wear a sideline polo. Soccer jerseys are an exception because those are cool as shit. Hockey jerseys somewhat get a pass because I’m not trying to start another civil war here. Football jerseys? Never.

Of course, it wasn’t going to work out. I have a low tolerance for feelings, and he has way more and is better at expressing them than I can handle. He checks off so many boxes on paper, but he never surprises me. The confidence that makes him successful and attractive too often crosses the line to cocky and makes me want to roll my eyes out of my head. But most of all, he is a grown man that wears a jersey.

Happy football season, y’all.

Image via Steve Broer /

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