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Bo Burnham has a song on his latest Netflix special called “Lower Your Expectations,” and while it’s genuinely funny, it’s got a lot of truth to it. If you want love, lower your expectations. Don’t expect someone else to be perfect because you’re not perfect. Lowering your expectations isn’t really the same thing as settling. Don’t settle. There’s no point in being purposely unhappy, and it’s okay to have your deal breakers.
So there’s my justification for bad behavior as way of article introduction. Let’s continue.
The guy and I had been dating on and off since May. It started out as just friends, but I’m a slutty drunk so I was bad-drinking out one night and kissed him in an Uber. From there, I told him multiple times that I didn’t really want to date him. He stuck around anyway, and while I lack several normal human emotions, I still hate being lonely. I thought if I was telling him things straight to his face that it was fine, but all I was really doing was sending mixed messages. Because slutty drunk never really goes away, and there is never a shortage of booze around.
We got far enough into a relationship where he told me that he gave up his Tuesday-Thursday FWB, and I actually believed him. But not far enough where I responded to every phone call or text message that he sent. Whatever stage of modern courtship you call that.
So there we are the other day, and I get a text at work about how expensive actual NFL jerseys are. I respond with “Of course, they are. Everyone’s got to get paid.” A minute passes, and I get a little nervous.
“You’re not buying a jersey, are you? You can only wear a jersey if you’re younger than the player, and even that is being generous.”
He said that the player at hand was 31. He was in the clear. I told him that it was still not okay. He refused to listen and said that he had no regrets. Then I got a picture of him in the jersey.
“Yeah, you should have regrets.”
I can’t really explain why a grown man in a jersey is so unappealing to me. I’m not a fashion person, and I’m generally open and accepting of expressing yourself and your style. I love sports, and I respect your fandom. But if I’m going to be associated with you and potentially introducing you to people on game day, please just wear a sideline polo. Soccer jerseys are an exception because those are cool as shit. Hockey jerseys somewhat get a pass because I’m not trying to start another civil war here. Football jerseys? Never.
Of course, it wasn’t going to work out. I have a low tolerance for feelings, and he has way more and is better at expressing them than I can handle. He checks off so many boxes on paper, but he never surprises me. The confidence that makes him successful and attractive too often crosses the line to cocky and makes me want to roll my eyes out of my head. But most of all, he is a grown man that wears a jersey.
Happy football season, y’all..
Image via Steve Broer / Shutterstock.com
Respond
I thought this was going to be a crazy story of a guy wearing multiple jerseys all over the place–restaurants, bars, to bed, etc. Seems like you were just on the lookout for a reason to drop him.
Was very disappointed by the lack of a “he had dinner at my parents’ place wearing a Rodgers jersey” scenario.
or if the guy was a “face painter” like puddy on seinfeld.
Gotta support the team
when i looked at the figure of 15966 dollars .Than I have no other choice but to accept , what i saw .They have been doing this for a year and get rid of their debts.. Yesterday they purchased new Aston Martin ….
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Could buy a whole wardrobe of jerseys with that kind of cheddar!
You had me at slutty drunk…sup?
jesus reading the description of your “relationship” made me stomach turn
Agreed.
I’ve ended it with a guy because he thought cargo shorts were ok to wear everyday. Oh and if he threw on a polo that was dressing up a bit. Cargo shorts are awful.
I can just never remember which pocket I put my dignity in.
But what if you have a lot of cargo to carry around?
The last time someone got a handjob in cargo shorts was Vietnam.
That’s even worse. What do you really need to carry around besides keys, phone, and wallet? Unless you’re doing field work, cargo shorts are never ok.
you can have em carry your stuff to. make him your own personal pack mule.
That’s why I have a purse. I carry my own stuff and anything else the guy I’m with might need me to carry. I’ll lug the weight around if it means no cargo shorts.
Emotional Baggage
Wearing jerseys isn’t about paying homage to the player as much as it is about paying homage to the “No-Fucks” attitude after a long week of work.
This is the best defense of jerseys that I’ve heard.
#teamthomasfromyoga
This is by far one of the weakest relationship “deal breakers” I’ve ever heard of.
It’s funny that parts your jersey opinion are taken directly from a Clay Travis podcast, verbatim at some points. Either way, you’re not wrong.
I’m from the south so definitely familiar with Clay Travis. Not sure what parts are taken verbatim from him, but I think it’s a pretty popular opinion. I wasn’t trying to rip anyone off so sorry if it made you think that.
Oh I wasn’t making the acusation of plagiarism, it’s just so hauntingly similar to his podcast on the subject. Which makes your argument valid.
Ok, just checking! I’m pro-intellectual property and pro-valid arguments. 🙂
sup?
I understand a lot of people are anti-jersey and some of the reasons make sense. But if someone wants to wear a jersey (as long as it’s on game day) who cares. Let them show some team pride
I’m with you on this one. I don’t see why fashion critiques have to interfere with the simple joy that is game day
Wearing a sideline polo is just as ridiculous as a jersey, since you aren’t a coach either. Show some damn pride.
Although, I will say that it is a geographical thing. Northerners wear jersey, it’s just that simple.
So you aren’t for jerseys or a game day polo?
Just curious what do you suggest wearing if you feel like showing support for your team? Do you have different rules for if its your alma matter or a professional team?
10/10 on your username choice, Richard.
Thanks man. I don’t think PGP staff would approve my avatar.
I’ve always felt the biggest reason Northerners wear jerseys is because it gets cold and normally we wear sweatshirts with a jersey over them. So during the warmer months people just wear the jersey because they have it.