I Am Sick Of Your Beach Body Bullshit

I Am Sick Of Your Beach Body Bullshit

I did something today that I never thought I would do. I am a firm believer in one’s ability to say what’s on their mind, no matter how stupid, uneducated or based on nothing because ignorance and free will are rights in this country. I unfollowed several people because they won’t stop posting about their “Beach Body” programs.

Congratulations, you lost weight. Let me start out by saying you don’t get credit for what you’re supposed to do. Not being a fatass is not an achievement. I love beer, wings and pizza probably more than the average person but I also like hiking, dominating rec sports and finding clothes that fit me without going to a special store. I don’t profess to be Adonis by any means, but as someone who at one point spent a lot of time in the gym before years of athletics caught up to me, I know what I have to do and I don’t need some Johnny Come Lately to tell me how to do it.

I also don’t want to be invited to your stupid Facebook group or read your “inspirational story” about how you lost weight or all the years of bullying. I don’t believe in bullying, body shaming, or whatever else. But I also don’t want to be privy to your before-and-after pictures because frankly, I don’t give a fuck. This shit is getting on Candy Crush levels of annoying. I declined the last three times you sent me an invite to “Like” your page, I thought you got the message.

I get it. You’re trying to make some money. Don’t hate the player, hate the game – right? Wrong. I’d rather be fat than eat your baby shit colored iguana food shake, do some stupid “12-minute workout” or put in some time doing kicks or whatever it is you do. I know a thing about Ponzi schemes so I know what you’re trying to do.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it were just an occasional post. I am genuinely happy when people make better choices and positive changes in their lives. If I wanted info, I’d ask. I know of people that shamelessly promote one, two, sometimes three plus times a day and it is just tiring. It feels like Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons coming to my door. If you annoy me so much with your vapid bullshit, even if somehow, I actually wanted to hop and jump all over my townhouse to lose weight, I wouldn’t solely on the principal that you are annoying. Does one have a beach body if they don’t post about it?

Some people hate words like “moist” or “lotion.” Nothing makes my blood boil worse than “beach body” or “shakeology.” It is so pompous. You know what I do when I want to lose weight? I go for a walk, hike or go to the gym and eat less shitty food like a normal person. Here’s my proven “Madoff Weight Loss Strategy”: eat less and move more. Shit works so much more than posting “before” and “after” pics of your lifestyle change.

Other than the shameless promotion, what really rustles my jimmies is that many of these same people preaching their beach body were at one point, not the paragon of fitness they are now (sarcasm). While you were fat and sitting on the side because you had a medical “cundishun,” my ass was running in gym class. You know who should be giving the advice? Real dieticians and physical trainers, because they went to school for this stuff and didn’t attend some stupid meetings. Any idiot can count calories, I don’t need some kale superfood bullshit shake that (this is an actual quote from someone I know) “builds and repairs muscles, suppresses appetite, promotes healthy skin, hair and nails, promotes alert thinking, supports the immune system.”

Listen, if you’re going to do this for extra money or whatever, that’s fine. I am actually truly happy that you’ve decided to lose weight and be healthy. Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. When you decide to go down this path, at the very least, be courteous and give a heads up to all the people you went to high school with ten years ago to unfollow or defriend you if you don’t want to hear their spiel. Maybe limit the amount of times you leaflet bomb me with invites to your group, it would go a long way in me and the rest of the disinterested people that are your acquaintances from hating you if and when we run into each other again.

Image via Shutterstock

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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