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A Hypothetical Seinfeld Conversation About Twitter Feuds

Hypothetical Seinfeld: Twitter Feud

In the information age, Millennials have created countless social taboos and quandaries that require extensive examination and criticism. Fortunately, I have managed to amass the four most brilliant minds of human history when it comes to dissecting the efficacy of social norms. Today a lesson in how Twitter can cause immense grief and casualties, even unintentionally.

[Jerry and George are walking down the street, enjoying the beautiful summer day.]

GEORGE: [Looking down at his phone.] Jerry how should I respond to a gif of Adam Sandler in the bathtub?

JERRY: What?

GEORGE: Well I’m texting Cindy, and I ask her what she’s doing today. She responds with this gif from that Adam Sandler movie where he has to go back to elementary school.

JERRY: Back to School?

GEORGE: No that was Rodney Dangerfield. And it was funnier.

JERRY: Because Adam Sandler wasn’t in it.

[They cross paths with a random passerby, who is walking the opposite direction.]

PASSERBY: [To Jerry.] Drop dead.

JERRY: Sorry my doctor says I’m a specimen of fitness.

[Jerry and George continue walking.]

GEORGE: So that’s still going on then?

JERRY: Yeah, I was hoping it would die down after a week or two, but people are still mad.

GEORGE: I can’t believe people are this mad about a little beef on Twitter. I mean I thought you buried the hatchet with her?

JERRY: We did, but people have long memories.

GEORGE: Yeah I saw some of the memes people are still tweeting at you. How the hell did they manage to find a picture of you in that puffy shirt from the Today show?

JERRY: I don’t know, but I bet Sally Weaver was involved somehow. A month ago she’s hosting open mic nights in strip clubs. Now she has 200,000 followers from tweeting the old bits she did about me back in the 90s.

[George pulls out his phone and starts scrolling. Eventually he stops and starts chuckling.]

GEORGE: Hehe the devil horns I forgot about that.

JERRY: Well I’m glad you’re enjoying this little spectacle. Meanwhile, I have millions of people actually wishing I get cancer.

GEORGE: So you said some not-so-nice things about Betty White it’s not like you ran her over. Believe me, that sort of thing can really turn the media against you.

JERRY: Lucky for you social media wasn’t around when you ran over Bette Midler.

[They walk a bit further, eventually reaching Monks.]

GEORGE: At least Elaine is willing to be seen with you now that’s an improvement.

JERRY: I guess.

GEORGE: Kramer’s still not talking to you?

JERRY: No, he’s Team Betty.

[The pair enters Monks to find Kramer and Elaine sitting on the same side of a booth whispering. They abruptly stop when they see Jerry and George, who sit down across from them.]

ELAINE: Well hello insensitive ass. And hi Jerry.

JERRY: You’re speaking to me now?

ELAINE: Oh, I stopped being mad at you about a day after you said those…things…about her. And frankly I was more upset that you would insinuate that any woman would do something like that.

GEORGE: And?

ELAINE: [Giggling.] Puddy showed me one of the memes someone tweeted about it. And…I mean…an old saucy lady…with the Ranch dressing…

[Elaine turns away, barely able to contain her laughter. Jerry looks at Kramer, who is sitting with his arm crossed.]

JERRY: Come on Kramer I apologized to her. We did that boxing skit on Conan together!

KRAMER: That majestic princess may have forgiven you Jerry, but I cannot take such an insult on the cheek. After those words that you spoke in written form, I don’t even know who you are. Insinuating that she is anything less than a goddess walking among us mere mortals is not only an insult, it’s an act of insubordination.

JERRY: Insubordination, against who?

KRAMER: Humankind Jerry! All humans who do not take reverence to the one true queen that is Betty White!

GEORGE: I never knew you felt this strongly about her Kramer.

KRAMER: What do you guys think I’m doing while you pencil pushers are slaving away from 9-5?

JERRY: I assumed you slip through a wormhole back into whatever insane dimension created you when you’re not in my apartment.

KRAMER: Well sometimes I’m doing my, tinkering. A lot of my day is spent advising the board of directors over at Enron.

[Elaine opens her mouth to say something, but then thinks better of it.]

KRAMER: And recently I’ve really gotten into knitting.

GEORGE: Yeah like sweaters, scarves?

KRAMER: Parachutes actually, but that’s neither here nor there.

JERRY: [Under his breath.] The poor sap who uses those parachutes will have their brains here and there.

KRAMER: The point is most of the day I have to be watching my stories. And that’s all TGG friends. 24/7, 365.

ELAINE: God I never would have pegged you for a fan of Golden Girls.

KRAMER: Well my TV got stuck on TV Land back in 1995. They were showing a marathon of the show and I just got mesmerized.

ELAINE: I mean, it’s a great show–

KRAMER: Great show? No, Elaine, Golden Girls is the pinnacle of television. A witty and clever look into the lives of older women and their trials and tribulations. They taught me not just how to laugh, but to love. I’ve become more in touch with my feminine side. Those ladies were more of mothers to me than Babs ever has been. [Points at Jerry.] And I will not allow someone to slander the name of the queen of them all, my treasure Blanche.

[The other three look at each other with a mixture of bemusement and perplexity.]

GEORGE: Kramer…you know that Betty White didn’t play Blanche right.

KRAMER: [Looks confused.] What?

ELAINE: Yeah Rue McClanahan played Blanche.

KRAMER: [Looks around confused, trying to process this new information.] So which one was Betty White ?

ELAINE: I think she played Rose.

KRAMER: Oh.

[Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He types for a moment, and appears to be Googling something. After a moment, he recoils.]

KRAMER: Phew. Okay, you might have a point on that one Jerry.

Image via YouTube / NBC

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Josh T.

Chuck Norris's spirit animal handler. Former "athlete" who now takes his competitive frustrations out on strangers on the internet (Volibear/Roadhog main). For booking details swipe me right on Bumble. For other nonsensical ramblings go to https://neurotictotheblog.tumblr.com/

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