How To Text With Dudes

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Relationships are tricky things these days, y’all. You not only have your face-to-face interactions to be concerned about, but all of your digital communication is also being scrutinized. We’re judgmental; can we all just admit that for a second? When you’re trying to figure out if someone likes you, it’s sane to pretty much assume everything you do (especially online) is being looked at under a metaphorical microscope. There’s Twitter flirting, playing coy on G-Chat, Snapchat moments, and analyzing what it means if they like something on Facebook. It’s kind of exhausting.

But then there’s the crown jewel of technological flirting: texting.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the pre-caller ID days where having a separate phone line for your see-through Claire’s phone in your room was a big deal. I miss when the most complicated kind of phone flirting was trying to sneak calls to your boo past 9 p.m. and not have your mom listening in from the kitchen. Texting is complicated, and there are a ton of rules that go alone with it.

I’ve been told I’m not supposed to rock the read receipts as a female because (according to the boys around town) everyone would think I’m crazy. Guys have a free pass to blatantly show that they’re blowing me off, but if I do that, it means I’m a whole ‘nother level of bonkers. I have to play the demure little lady and do the whole “Oh, sorry I was at drinks with Amanda. She had a Groupon haha *kissing emoji*” instead of just having that “Read 4:30 p.m.” say it all for me.

The thing is, I purposely ignore people too. The texting game is not just reserved for hot bros with good hair. I can play the game with the best of them. I don’t necessarily play the texting game because I like it – I’m just competitive and I like to be good at things.

So here you go: my six rules for texting bros and how you can become the Sophia Loren of text flirting.

1. Think H.O.T. before you type.

An acronym!? Kendra, how fucking Kindergarten teacher of you! I took some education classes in college, I know. So you’re sitting on your couch, eating goldfish crackers and watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and you get the urge to text your dude. Before your little thumbs start going tappity-tap-tap, think about what you’re going to say.

Is it:

– Humerous?
– On topic with what you were texting about?
– (Just) Temptation?

If it’s one of the first two, go for it! Being a funny chick is pretty much the easiest way to set yourself apart from all of the dipshits that he’s probably come across in his life. If you were already talking and it’s just continuing conversation, that’s harmless. But if it’s just because you’re bored and feel like texting, text one of your girlfriends instead. Until you are FBO (or whatever) he is not your go to tempted-text receiptient. That just makes you look desperate and lonely.

2. You don’t have to and shouldn’t text him back right away.

Even if he’s just asking if you’re free tonight, and you totally are, it is completely legit to make him wait a little bit. Go eat an avocado over the sink or squeeze some junk out of your pores (don’t make that face it’s satisfying as hell and we all do it) for fifteen before saying, “I could be, what’d you have in mind?” Being too available is not sexy. Have friends, have hobbies, have interests outside of letting him pay for your drinks.

3. Cool it with the emojis.

We’re all into our little emojis and are crossing our fingers for a middle finger next time around; we love ‘em. But having a full conversation that consists of different faces and hands in between each sentence? That’s reserved for your girlfriends and your gay friends. Guys just get confused and annoyed. And frankly, it kind of makes you look like a high-schooler. Put that doughnut emoji away. You don’t want him to start thinking of you as a 17-year-old because that’s just creepy.

You know what’s funnier and more effective than emojis? A solid gif usage. You show me something annoying on a text, and I’ll show you a Ron Swanson gif that will win you way more points than some stupid thumbs down.

4. Tread carefully with the pictures.

Look, I’m all for you doing whatever you want to do with your boobs. Want to show ‘em off outside of McDonalds after Ladies Night? Good for you but I’m turning around and walking briskly away when the cops spot you. If you want to send him a dirty pic go for it – that’s your right.

But know that he’s going to show it to his buddies. Even if he says he won’t and he deleted it right after, he’s lying. If you’re comfortable with him, Brandon, Mark, Zach, Tyler, Drew, Jake, Garrett and whoever else he’s playing Halo and circle-jerking it with seeing your nipples then by all means, send away. Consider it carefully before snapping it, that’s all I’m saying.

5. If you’re drunk, put it away.

This is one I’m still getting a handle on, and honestly, it can be seriously embarrassing. And this is coming from someone who puked pasta on a neighbor’s door and blamed it on another neighbor’s dog – not easy to shake me. Do everything in your power to avoid being the drunk texter.

If it’s giving away your phone, do that. If it’s downloading one of those apps that makes you do math, do that. If it’s just letting your phone die while you’re doing car bombs, then let that battery say buh-bye. If there is something you can do to stop yourself from sending something incoherent and sloppy, do whatever you can to stop it from going out there. We’ve all done it. But apologizing for your drunk rambles while in bed eating hangover eggs should be a rare occurrence at best.

6. Don’t overthink it.

If you’re an overthinker and can’t play it cool, that’s going to come across in your texts. You are going to sound neurotic and shaky like a tiny dog that’s afraid of her own shadow. Settle down, girl.

We are all crazy. Every. Last. One. Of. Us. Guys don’t need to know your crazy. Until he loves you keep that shit under lock and key. Once he loves you, feel free to send the “do you think my mom only had me because she was worried my sister would someday contract an incurable disease and they wanted to have a possible kidney donor?” text. Or the “Which one of my friends would you cheat on me with if you knew I would take you back?” text. Until then, absolutely not. You’re better than that. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Kendra Syrdal

Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com

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