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Ah, yes. Can you smell that? The smell of roasting meat and men’s expectations floating through the air? Today is a big day. Stephen Hawking died today, on the anniversary of Einstein’s birth after being born on the 300th anniversary of Galileo’s death. That’s some weird-ass shit. Also? It’s Pi Day. So, there’s something.
But the craziness doesn’t stop there. This strange, sad, beautiful day is even bigger than the death of the renowned physicist on the day that celebrates the mathematical constant of Pi, where we also, usually, eat pie. No, there’s more to it than that. Because today, my friends, is also the best day of the year if you’re a male who isn’t a total piece of shit. Today is Guy Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak and a Blow Job Day.
The rumor is, the day was created in 2002 for guys to get a little bit of spoiling after maxing out their credit cards a mere month before. However, whenever, or why ever it started, the point is, the day is here. And if there’s any hope of you getting a hunk of meat and a happy ending, you need to pray for one of these four situations, or may God have mercy on your soul.
Be With Someone Truly Wonderful
Isn’t this the fucking worst? My advice to you is that:
A) Hopefully, you’re not single.
B) Hopefully, you’re not single with someone who doesn’t suck (or does suck, in this case).
Still, for all the guys out there who are in good, honest, fun, respectful relationships, you might actually be able to make this happen. Mention it casually, laugh it off, and hope she gets the hint. If she doesn’t (or if she gets pissed), accept defeat. But if you’re truly dating a winner, you might come home to a T-bone and a one-way ticket to oral station. I’m not saying it’s likely, but weirder shit has happened. I mean, Stephen Hawking dying on Einstein’s birthday? Strange stuff is in the universe today.
Pray You Did Enough Last Month
The whole point of Steak and a Blow Job Day is to ensure that you don’t bitch out on Valentine’s Day. Sure, it works in guys’ favor. But this month, today, in theory, is your Valentine’s Day. That means if you didn’t score a good reservation, if you got her a single rose instead of a dozen, and if you complained about Valentine’s Day every step of the way last month, don’t expect to pull up to Outback after work. But hey, maybe if you pulled out all the stops and made her feel like GD royalty, she’ll take the hint and treat you like the king you absolutely aren’t.
Serve Her Steak And Hope For The Best
Now, in the fine print of the day, it doesn’t actually say that she has to get you the steak. I feel like it’s sort of assumed, but whatever. If you think the odds of your lady taking you out for a nice steak dinner before hitting you with those “I wanna S your D” eyes is pretty unrealistic, try to inch things along in that direction. Suggest you two cook dinner together tonight, and pick up a nice bottle of red and some solid steaks. Or surprise her with the fact that you want to take her out for a nice, steak dinner, “just because.” Maybe after shelling out $100+ on a casual Wednesday she’ll be in the mood to treat you right as well. Because that’s totally how that works, right?
Settle For What You Can Get
So, maybe you bitched and complained about Valentine’s Day, so the thought of asking for a last-minute celebration of your dick gives you an anxiety attack. Maybe you’re dating someone shitty, or maybe you’re not dating anyone at all (sad!). Whatever the case, you know that there’s no way in hell you’re going to end the night with a stomach full of meat and that “I just got a beej” feeling. Like most things in our adult lives, we just have to accept that life sucks now and settle for what we can get. Whether that means shelling out money for a steak dinner only to have her pass out at 9, or it’s a hamburger and a handy from yourself, do something nice to celebrate the fact that you’re alive, you’re a man, and you have a penis.
Because my gosh, don’t you deserve it?.
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
“Settle for what you can get”? At this point I’m excited for two days if we just brush shoulders while trying to wash the dishes
Settle for what you can get in my household is 80/20 chuck and an OTPHJ
When you are a big swinging dick like DJT, everyday is (well done) steak and BJ day.
would partake if there was a man in my life.
Gibson’s for steaks okay with you?
Get ready for the “sup” comments.
Sup
Nice Raleigh lady like you? Angus Barn, easy.
sup
Damn, that steak looks delicious.
the guy who invented this holiday is the same kind of guy who wears “cool story now make me a sandwich” t-shirts and has never had a blowjob in his life
I thought you were gonna tell us of a way to get a beej while crushing steaks (simultaneously), which woulda been dope. But this is chill too.
As a woman, I am all down for Steak & Beej day, as long as I get some of both as well. #MeToo
Sup
Name checks out
I can still hear the mooing from the cow that the stock photo came from.
Cut the horns, wipe its ass and throw it on the plate.
I like a good vet to be able to bring my steak back to life.
Can just smell the E.coli teeming.
This day being the day before my wife’s birthday. #PGP
Steak and a BJ day existed long before teenage boys claimed to have invented it. It’s called Father’s Day. It requires a lot of work and commitment, but if you commit yourself, once a year, you get to grill steak, enjoy the NBA finals or US open while wife puts the kids to bed, and get a little reward before you turn in.
Here’s how guys:
1 pound flank steak in a ziplock with red wine, balsamic, soy sauce, woistershire, pepper, seasoned salt and minced garlic. Let that mother sit for at least an hour to set the mood.
May as well chop up some red potatoes with olive oil and some savory salt and throw those in at 400° for 35 minutes.
Then what greens do y’all like? Green beans? Asparagus? Perfect. Oil and s+p those bitches. We’ll throw those in the oven for 12 minutes or so with the potatoes.
While the potatoes cook, pat dry the steak and throw it on an oiled up grill pan or cast iron preheated to medium high. Go 5.5 minutes per side on the steak and cover semi-tight with foil once you remove it from the pan. Wait AT LEAST 15 minutes, 20 is better.
Tell her you’re excited to finally make some time and just be together with her, or some shit.
Plate everything with a little steak sauce (I make mine by mixing balsamic glaze, chipotle tobasco sauce and a tiny squeeze of ketchup) and a heavy pour of the aforementioned red wine.
If she doesn’t get the hint from that, you may just need to find a new girl!!
Ron Swanson would destroy you for treating a perfectly good steak like that