How To Make Your Shitty Paycheck Go A Long Way


You’re making pretty decent money for a person your age. Well, you’re at least making enough money to frequent PGP rather than devoting your ENTIRE day to trying to tap sweet 18-year-old fry cook ass. But I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you are in the same dilemma as me: where in the fuck did my paycheck go? Here are three gaping holes in your wallet that you have probably thought about, but never actually actually tried dick to fix.

No shit. Bars are expensive. But it’s not that you shouldn’t be going out and acting like an ass multiple times a week…why the hell would you go to school for four plus years if not to publicly destroy brain cells and attract a preppy mate? Drinking at home is for high school dropouts and irreparably ugly people. The problem (financially) with your drinking is that you’re doing so in a manner that is economically unsustainable.

Those mid-range tequila shots you bought after a few rounds at happy hour? Fifty bucks pissed down the drain — no, worse yet, down the throats of your asshole friends/coworkers. Nobody is going to give a shit you were generous (read: trying to bone the one office-hot project manager). You’re all drunk! “WOOOOOOOO, you’re the man, Chris!” is ephemeral glory and when you’re eating PB&Js for a week straight until payday, you’re going to regret it.

Solution? Simple: when your libational venue has a drink deal going on at the moment, stick to it! And after a few 24 oz. Coors Light drafts, don’t pull a rookie-ass move and switch to premiums. You’re drunk, not Bruce Wayne (or even a real adult for that matter).

Eating Out
The tastiest way to get oral cancer. BAZZZZZZINGA! Just kidding, gross thought. But for real, you need to stop eating out for lunch every day. Sure, a Chipotle entree is only five bucks more than packing your own lunch and it’s possibly the beacon of hope that keeps you going until 5, but since you get ballsy and get a soft drink or guac occasionally (i.e. everyday, you glutton), you’re probably wasting close to forty bucks a week. Forty bucks you could be blowing on shots like a goddamned idiot.

Furthermore, eating your homemade lunch at your desk more makes a good impression. I’m not recommending you actually do any more work (FUCK THAT), but it makes a good impression. See, most people are just going to glance at you as they walk by your cube, assuming you’re working. That’s good. But even if they come to your desk and see you balls-deep engaged on both monitors checking your fantasy football lineup, they’re not going to care. Motherfucker has a sandwich in front of him. It’s lunch break, he can do what he wants.

Do you know what’s more harebrained than driving forty-five minutes twice a day (on your own dime) to the job that is slowly killing everything in life that once made you happy? Paying over a hundred dollars to park your car (which is definitely pre-2010 because, you know, you’re fucking broke, which is why you’re reading this) every god-damned month. Since you’re driving to work every day, burning gas and wearing your (shitty) car down to the bone, AND paying to park said (shitty) car, your wallet is leaking like a sieve.

BUT RENT BY WORK IS SO EXPENSIVE! Shut up, dumbass. Between garage space rental, gas, wear and tear on your car, and the assault charge you’re going to be paying for in legal bills when you inevitably yell to the portly middle-age woman moseying through the crosswalk that if she doesn’t move faster you’re going to ass-rape her with your (shitty) hood ornament, you’re almost in the hole living out in the ‘burbs. So unless you have a really great reason to live out of downtown or otherwise within walking distance, or you have free parking, consider moving closer to work. And if you still want to stay out in white, fat, and boring-ville because you have kids, you’re beyond hope. Dumbass.

Email this to a friend


Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

3 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More