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With the most wonderful time of the year right around the corner, I thought I’d take it upon myself to share some tried and true pointers on how to impress your girlfriend’s family at your first of what is hopefully many holidays spent together. If you took my advice (and you should have because I call myself a writer and comedian on the Internet) you will have already crushed your office Christmas party, so charming her folks should be a breeze.
Upon arriving at her parent’s house, before removing your coat, ask if anybody has a Galaxy Note 7 charger. While meeting her extended family, make sure to kiss each female firmly on the lips. Linger on the teenagers. As a token of your appreciation for letting you stay over, hand her mom a bag full of free promotional T-shirts from a radio station and a half eaten tin of Garrett’s Popcorn.
Now that you’ve arrived, you can settle into your new home. Dump your bags on your girlfriend’s childhood bed and ask her father if the walls are “pretty soundproof.” Before he can answer, walk directly to his liquor cabinet and help yourself to an unopened bottle of Scotch.
As everyone mingles before dinner, challenge her brothers to a pushup contest. Make sure to address her older brother as “Junior.” He’ll definitely like that. If somebody asks you what you want Santa to bring you this year, reply, “Another shot at the NFL.” If this starts up some sports talk, tell her uncles that if the Bulls cover the spread on Christmas morning, “Daddy’s gonna have a Happy New Year.”
To break the ice at dinner, make sure to ask everybody, “Who are you wearing?” Try your best to mention half a dozen times how your Navigator’s in the shop getting its windows tinted. Bonus points if you refer to it as “The Nav.” Also, don’t forget to go around the table and ask each family member their thoughts on Trump.
When you’re asked how long you two have been dating, explain that you technically weren’t aware you were “exclusive” for the first six months or so. If anybody asks you what you do for work, say that you’re currently on sabbatical and then describe in detail the app you’re developing to her 88-year-old grandmother.
If the family goes around the table and says what they’re thankful for, say your fantasy football team. When it looks like her father is beginning to carve the Christmas bird, that’s the perfect time to begin your long-winded toast. Make sure to bring up any high school sports accomplishments. When the dinner arrives, tell your girlfriend that she should “take it easy” on the mashed potatoes.
Monopolize the dinner conversation and tell plenty of stories during the meal. At a part you think is hilarious, grab the shirt collar of the person next to you and shake them back and forth. Don’t forget to nudge her cousin in the ribs and roll your eyes whenever somebody else is talking.
If you have to excuse yourself during the meal, only use the master bathroom. When you return to the table, sniffle and shiver then very pointedly bring up with her younger sister’s boyfriend that you wished it was a “White Christmas.” Ask him if he knows of anyone in town that can get you some “snow.”
During dessert, tell her youngest nieces and nephews that you were their age when you found out Santa wasn’t real. As the extended family makes their way out the door, keep insisting that you’re good to drive even though you’ve had two bottles of wine on your own and you’re staying the night. As they angrily shove you in the guest room and slam the door for the night, remark how you were really looking forward to getting presents on Christmas Day. This way her mother has someone else to go shopping for on Christmas Eve.
If her family isn’t thoroughly impressed with what a catch you are at this point, you were fighting a losing battle to begin with. Sulk around in the basement for the next two days until they’re getting ready to go to Christmas Eve Mass. Then call a cab and head to the airport. .
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