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With the most wonderful time of the year right around the corner, I thought I’d take it upon myself to share some tried and true pointers on how to impress your girlfriend’s family at your first of what is hopefully many holidays spent together. If you took my advice (and you should have because I call myself a writer and comedian on the Internet) you will have already crushed your office Christmas party, so charming her folks should be a breeze.
Upon arriving at her parent’s house, before removing your coat, ask if anybody has a Galaxy Note 7 charger. While meeting her extended family, make sure to kiss each female firmly on the lips. Linger on the teenagers. As a token of your appreciation for letting you stay over, hand her mom a bag full of free promotional T-shirts from a radio station and a half eaten tin of Garrett’s Popcorn.
Now that you’ve arrived, you can settle into your new home. Dump your bags on your girlfriend’s childhood bed and ask her father if the walls are “pretty soundproof.” Before he can answer, walk directly to his liquor cabinet and help yourself to an unopened bottle of Scotch.
As everyone mingles before dinner, challenge her brothers to a pushup contest. Make sure to address her older brother as “Junior.” He’ll definitely like that. If somebody asks you what you want Santa to bring you this year, reply, “Another shot at the NFL.” If this starts up some sports talk, tell her uncles that if the Bulls cover the spread on Christmas morning, “Daddy’s gonna have a Happy New Year.”
To break the ice at dinner, make sure to ask everybody, “Who are you wearing?” Try your best to mention half a dozen times how your Navigator’s in the shop getting its windows tinted. Bonus points if you refer to it as “The Nav.” Also, don’t forget to go around the table and ask each family member their thoughts on Trump.
When you’re asked how long you two have been dating, explain that you technically weren’t aware you were “exclusive” for the first six months or so. If anybody asks you what you do for work, say that you’re currently on sabbatical and then describe in detail the app you’re developing to her 88-year-old grandmother.
If the family goes around the table and says what they’re thankful for, say your fantasy football team. When it looks like her father is beginning to carve the Christmas bird, that’s the perfect time to begin your long-winded toast. Make sure to bring up any high school sports accomplishments. When the dinner arrives, tell your girlfriend that she should “take it easy” on the mashed potatoes.
Monopolize the dinner conversation and tell plenty of stories during the meal. At a part you think is hilarious, grab the shirt collar of the person next to you and shake them back and forth. Don’t forget to nudge her cousin in the ribs and roll your eyes whenever somebody else is talking.
If you have to excuse yourself during the meal, only use the master bathroom. When you return to the table, sniffle and shiver then very pointedly bring up with her younger sister’s boyfriend that you wished it was a “White Christmas.” Ask him if he knows of anyone in town that can get you some “snow.”
During dessert, tell her youngest nieces and nephews that you were their age when you found out Santa wasn’t real. As the extended family makes their way out the door, keep insisting that you’re good to drive even though you’ve had two bottles of wine on your own and you’re staying the night. As they angrily shove you in the guest room and slam the door for the night, remark how you were really looking forward to getting presents on Christmas Day. This way her mother has someone else to go shopping for on Christmas Eve.
If her family isn’t thoroughly impressed with what a catch you are at this point, you were fighting a losing battle to begin with. Sulk around in the basement for the next two days until they’re getting ready to go to Christmas Eve Mass. Then call a cab and head to the airport. .
Image via YouTube
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
How does showing up to Christmas Eve Service plastered rub off on them?
Yeah, but how would 22 year-old JR go about this?
PRO-TIP:
Don’t act like anyone does in Love, Actually. Especially Snape.
Too soon
Idk, I’m petty enough to learn a new language just to get laid
Christmas gonna be so lit this year.
Lit-mas test. Don’t drink too much egg nog and try to sleep with your girl’s mom
Challenge accepted
I got my girlfriend’s dad a bottle of Balvenie and her mom a bottle of Moët. I think that they’re going to like me even more now.
I made a joke about my sister in law’s boyfriend getting arrest at my first Christmas with my wife’s family. It killed.
As somebody who fears commitment, I took the approach that guaranteed success: I said I had to go home to my own family.
Now its just my family who will be disappointed when I get plastered screaming at football, and it’s not like that will surprise them at this point.
I’ve done all of these things and I’m still single. What the hell, JR?
Masterful. That’s is all I can say. Just masterful.
So this is the only article we’re getting today until TGDAG?