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As the average American male frame currently consists of a borderline dumpy 5’ 10’’, 195 pounds, it’s clear that a change could be made if said change actually wanted to happen. My own BMI constantly flirts with the government’s definition of “fat”, and I even have an especially reserved, one-size-too-big pair of work pants for days I’m too chubby to fit into my regular clothes (almost exclusively Mondays). I know we all “try to eat healthy” and act like our lives are the pillar of nutritional health around our coworkers, but somehow our inner shit pig-selves manage to come out in full force over the entire weekend, where calories don’t count and our digestive systems are crammed full of brunch.
This is not one of those nonsense-talking “Take-Only-Cold-Showers-To-Jump-Start-Your-Metabolism” pieces of advice. If you want to have a six pack one day, this methodology is not for you. If you enjoy cardiovascular exercise or have a subscription to Men’s Fitness, this article is not for you. This article is for the lazy, unmotivated Corporate American desk jockey inside of all of us who simply wants to look their absolute best while expanding the minimal amount of effort possible. So without consulting a single nutritionist whatsoever, here’s what I came up with.
1. Switch to water.
All that soda, iced tea, orange juice, and whatever sludge Vitamin Water peddles now a days is straight up murder to your health. While you might feel ‘hydrated’ from your frequent pee breaks, an additional hundred grams of liquid sugar a day adds up to extra poundage in a hurry.
2. Black coffee.
If you can’t man up for the first cup of the day that’s fine, but you better not be adding sugar and cream for refills three and four.
3. Vodka sodas.
This should be the only alcoholic drink you consume over the next thirty days. Worried about people calling you a little bitch for drinking clear alcohol? Don’t be. “Real Men” don’t drink well rum & cokes from a clear plastic cup, either. You’re fine.
4. Cut out the cheap flour.
Only a psycho would recommend cutting out wheat altogether, but I recommend laying off anything that comes from a drive-thru. Leave a McDonalds hamburger bun out in the sun for a day or two; it looks like shriveled up cardboard where something edible used to be.
5. Take advantage of free healthy extras.
This is mostly for Chipotle or Qdoba, but I’m sure works other places as well. Why? I know you aren’t hand picking your produce from the local farmer’s market every Sunday… Take this opportunity to load up on some extra nutrients while you can, at no extra cost. Your liver and colon thank you.
6. Have one “Cleanse Day” every week.
Whatever ‘cleanse’ means to you, do it. For example, I’ll crush only a few pieces of fruit by lunch and then mix an enormous afternoon protein shake, sipping on it slowly throughout the day whenever I’m feeling hungry. You’ll feel amazing the next morning, and hopefully shed all that water weight you retained over the weekend.
7. Keep light snack food around.
I love Goldfish and honey roasted peanuts, so sue me. It’s okay to grab a handful every now and then, just don’t eat the whole box in one sitting.
8. Don’t eat any food after 7 p.m.
This is a great way to build up your willpower in small doses; nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
9. Chill on the French Fries.
One way to accomplish this is to determine which of your favorite chains serves the best fries (Five Guys!), and only order them when you frequent that particular establishment. I’m not dogging on potatoes though, because that’s simply ridiculous.
10. Start liking fish.
Skillet or grilled salmon is one of the easiest meals you can cook for yourself, and a decent cut shouldn’t cost you more than four to six bucks at your local grocery store.
Bonus
Live like a nutritional saint Monday through Thursday. Follow rules one through ten down to the letter through Friday morning, then unleash the Kraken over the weekend. Four days of clean living should balance out the other three days of gluttony, at least through the rest of our twenties.
Extra Credit
Cardio. Any kind of cardio. Literally anything. Find a moderately strenuous activity that you quasi-enjoy, and start exercising once (maybe twice) a week. My bi-weekly routine is to simply set a treadmill on an incline, and walk uphill for twenty minutes; as long as that heart rate is up, you’re helping more than you’re hurting. Squeeze out some last results out of your metabolism before it’s gone forever, and head into the Halloween and Holiday season feeling like a hundred bucks. .
Respond
CorporateClimber
California guy coming to you live from the Mile High City. I enjoy weekend day drinking, handing out my business cards, and ordering pizza while hungover. I do not enjoy "working through lunch", folding laundry, or small domesticated animals that evolution should have stamped out long ago. Chipotle will be catered at my wedding. Feel free to call me out on Twitter. Division II grad.
@CorpClimberPGP
I’d like to use sex as my cardio but thirty second workouts two times a week hasn’t really made a difference. PGP.
Two times a week? You oversexed bastard.
Preach.
I love you Shibby
Thanks, KoolAidGuy! I wish the editors liked me here too 🙁
Do you have a job? Or do you just spend all day here?
Plus, your left hand doesn’t really make it that cardio-intensive.
I started eating the prescribed diet for diabetics to show support solidarity with my dad. Lost 80lbs in the last year. It’s really not difficult.
EIGHTY POUNDS!? Congrats, but Jesus, you really let yourself go there for awhile.
Beer. Beer was a real killer.
Do gin & tonics work as well as vodka soda, because I genuinely hate vodka
Sadly, no. Tonic is full of sugar. For every G&T you could have 2 Vodka Sodas. For you, I’d suggest a Gin Martini on the rocks
Diet tonic
I’m going with Shibbs on this one
Yeah it makes no sense because tonic doesn’t taste good on its own, but full of sugar
Gin and Soda would be better than tonic. Most tonic water is similar in terms of calories/sugar to cokes
I’m gonna say yes. https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/make-it-a-gin-and-tonic/
Gin and LaCroix (lemon or lime, but other favors can work) is refreshing.
This is fantastic. I’d also throw in “eat less.” Having a little less at every meal adds up and at the end of the day you just need in to be less than out. I’m generally terrible at estimating portions, so I boot up some calorie counting app just to remind myself once a month or so.
While this didn’t motivate me to go on a run, for some reason it did remind me how great a movie Heavyweights is. Going to order some Patxis and watch that tonight.
Plank. Like everyday.
I’d also extend that nutritional saint paragraph to include breakfast, everyday. A healthy breakfast on the weekends gets your day off on the right foot, and hopefully makes you think twice about the Whataburger run later because you don’t want to ruin your streak of clean eating.
How I lost 10 pounds in one week: got pneumonia.
Just stop eating processed foods and sugar (outside fruit). And double your veggie intake. The pounds will melt off.
Lifting weights too, you keep the muscle while burning the fat.
Plus it speeds up your resting-state metabolism