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In the age of save the dates, there’s a process that you go through when you get that wedding invitation in the mail and start opening it in your kitchen. You think to yourself, “Ugh, I hope this doesn’t fall over so-and-so’s wedding.” And then you think to yourself, “Actually, hopefully it does so then I don’t have to go to both.” And when you finally begin unfolding everything to reveal all the details, the RSVP card falls out of the envelope and you’re left with two choices – what are you having for dinner at the reception, and are you allowed a plus-one?
If you’re married, engaged, or in a long-term relationship, this doesn’t matter. Your ship has sailed and you know who you’ll be sharing an Uber home from the reception with. But if you’re one of those reeling human beings who’s approaching thirty and having minor panic attacks with every right swipe that goes unnoticed, you find yourself up Shit Creek without a paddle and a hole in your canoe that’s quickly going under. You don’t want a plus-one at this point, you just need one to save face.
Luckily, finding the perfect plus-one so you appear to be a highly-functioning member of society can be achieved by simply obeying the following steps.
Find an extrovert.
If you show up to this shindig with some Negative Nancy, you’re going to be twiddling your thumbs with your dick in your end for the duration of the reception because your date is closed off to the rest of the attendees. You need to ask yourself, “Will this person be able to hold their own if I go rogue to the dance floor and end up necking below the country club’s back patio?” If the answer to that question is no, you need to move onto the next Gloria Cleary and find someone who’s willing to work the room – both with and without you.
Nines only.
If you’re single and have the luxury of being offered a plus-one, you’re probably finding yourself in a position where you should have a plus-one. Whether you’re a good friend of the groom or related to the bride, chances are you aren’t some bottom-of-the-barrel has-been that they added at the last minute. Plus-ones are for people that are supposed to be there, so you need to plan accordingly.
That being said? You can’t show up with a troll. Whether your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend is in attendance, showing up without someone on your arm screams, “My Sunday nights are spent having existential crises while scrolling Bumble.” You need to make a splash, and that splash needs to come in the form of someone that’s out of your fucking league. This can’t look like some floozy you picked up off a street corner or your ex-girlfriend who got fat after the breakup and is still single. This has to be a certified knockout – a tall drink of water – that will make people turn and say, “Wow, they actually got their act together.”
No new friends.
In search of your diamond in the rough, you have to be cognisant of the situation you’re putting yourself in. They’re offering you a plus-one. Not a partner-in-crime. If you’ve exhausted all of your options, simply accept the fact that you have to bite the bullet and roll solo. No ifs, ands, or buts.
There’s going to be a moment where you think to yourself, “Oh, I’ll just ask [insert friend’s name]. They weren’t invited and I bet they’d love to go.” No. No. This is unacceptable behavior, and I have the ethos to tout this shit because I’ve made this miserable mistake before. Those fringe-friends? They weren’t invited for a reason and the bride is simply going to look at them and say, “Why the fuck am I paying for a meal and drinks for this person?” You need to pick yourself up by your bootstraps, dig deep, and find an acceptable random person who will make everyone wonder, “Huh, when did they start dating?”
Rookies need not apply.
You know that sinking feeling you have when you’re going into an NFL season with no one but a rookie quarterback and false hopes that maybe a miracle will happen and you’ll somehow sneak into the playoffs at 9-7? That’s pretty much what you’re asking for if you decide to bring someone who isn’t well-versed in wedding-going. You can’t have someone tagging along who’s going to get starry-eyed and swept away by the excitement of an open bar and high spirits, or else you’re just begging to take care of someone rather than have someone be your caretaker once your twelve flutes of champagne settle in.
Talking during the ceremony, getting too aggressive during the garter or bouquet toss, or introducing themselves to the father-of-the-bride and asking, “So how do you know the happy couple?!” No matter how your greenhorn date skins that cat, you can bet that they’re not going to toss a perfect game when it’s their first time toeing the slab.
And if they do? Maybe they should be the one you’re necking with underneath that country club porch we were talking about. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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If there was an extroverted 9/10 who I’ve know for a long time and is interested in being my date at weddings, I’d probably already be dating them
Getting a 9 to go to a wedding with you is a little easier than getting a 9 to say to herself, “Hey, this guy appears to be a functioning member of society. I should invest part of my life into dating him.”
Valid point, Chill
No one said it was going to be easy, UnproductiveBehavior. It’s tough out there and you’ve gotta dig deep.
I’m rolling solo to a wedding in 2 weeks because I wasn’t offered a +1. But I’ll know a bunch of people there and there’s an open bar and a build your own taco station, so I think I’ll be ok.
A build your own taco stand? That’s peak party man
Yeah from now on, not having a taco bar at a wedding might be a deal breaker for me
Not having a taco bar at most events might start being a deal breaker.
Same, and I’m in the wedding party.
If you’re in the wedding party, bringing a plus one that isn’t your girlfriend and/or doesn’t already know some people is a tough call.
Build your own taco station? That’s incredible
“My Sunday nights are spent having an exestential crisies while scrolling Bumble.” Too real, Will. Too real.
I know that this tends to be frowned upon, but what about bringing a friend as your +1? I couldn’t find a date to a wedding a few weeks back so I brought a buddy of mine and it worked out great. We took a bunch of shots of tequila and since he already has a girlfriend, he served as the perfect wingman.
I think it’s completely dependent on your relationship with the bride and groom. If you get clearance, do you. But don’t just show up with your buddy from college and expect the bride to talk to you again in the next calendar year.
I somewhat agree that it depends on the relationship. I did RSVP with a +1 to the wedding so the bride and groom had an accurate head count. Other than that, I fail to see what difference it would make if I brought a fiancée or an old buddy from college.
If you bring a buddy as a +1, you better come correct with that gift.
¯_(ツ)_/¯ I still fail to see much of a difference between the two, but maybe that’s just a product of my social circle.
I guess there’s really not much difference between bringing a buddy vs a random as your plus one. With either one, as long as you (at least) cover your plate with the gift. Based on my friends planning weddings, it’s seems like if you’re not dating someone, they’d prefer if you don’t bring a guest.
Is giving a gift not standard practice? Maybe my experiences at weddings that I’ve been to have just been different compared to others’ on here, but I’ve given nice gifts at all of the weddings that I’ve been to.
You’re a good egg, Nye. Unfortunately, a lot of people are shit birds and eat a “free” meal and drink “free” booze without giving it a second thought.
“But if you’re one of those reeling human beings who’s approaching thirty and having minor panic attacks with every right swipe that goes unnoticed, you find yourself up Shit Creek without a paddle and a hole in your canoe that’s quickly going under. You don’t want a plus-one at this point, you just need one to save face.”
Get out of my head, Will!!
Can confirm on the rule of bringing a smoke, even if you have no chance of closing on your date. you better believe you are leaving an impression on the other single females in attendance