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The second I get involved with a girl (hell, the second I meet pretty much anyone), I go full-on Sherlock on them and Google every last bit of their life. While you can only figure so much through LinkedIn, their high school volleyball stats, and the MySpace page they can’t figure out how to delete, there’s one platform that can tell more than you’d think.
Instagram.
I spend more time on Instagram than I’m willing to admit, which means I’ve come to irrational conclusions about people’s habits that I now believe to be truth. Which is why I also think it’s entirely too easy to figure out if a girl is crazy simply by looking at her Instagram profile. Just hear me out.
She subtweets.
If you’re even entertaining the thought of dating a girl and you find her cryptically subtweeting about you (or anything, for that matter), then she’s either too young for you or on the same level as Swimfan. The only people that subtweet are high schoolers or crazy girls who don’t have anyone else but Twitter to confide in – both of which should be major red flags.
And in all actuality? Maybe you shouldn’t be dating active Twitter users in the first place. Unless they work in media or use it for their career, Twitter has just become a cesspool of gifs, Kardashians, and outrage.
She follows more celebrities than friends.
I’ve seen this time and time again. I’ve spent my fair share of time looking out the Activity tab just straight creepin’. Just like how I see all the guys who like photos of Instagram and bikini models because they have no idea the Activity tab exists, I see every celebrity photo that girls like as well.
Gigi Hadid, Cara Delevigne, Emily Ratajowski, Khloe Kardashian. The works. The weird thing is that so many people don’t like any photos of anyone but celebrities. Their friends? Nowhere to be found. Casual #lifestyle #tastemaker #influencer accounts? Nope. Just million-plus-followers celebrities who can mostly be found somewhere in or around Taylor Swift’s squad.
Her photos are more than 51% selfies.
Yeah, I know, iPhones have a whole smart folder dedicated to only selfies now. But that doesn’t mean there’s not still a stigma around them.
Selfies say things about people: 1. They’re too shy to ask someone to take their photo for them, 2. They’re self-absorbed, 3. They think everyone follows them on Instagram purely to see photos of their face.
Say it with me now — “Red flags.”
She over-hashtags.
Do I sometimes toss a #vsco hashtag on my Instagrams to get a few more likes? Yeah, because I want people to think I’m baller as hell when they’re scrolling my feed weeks later only to see I’ve got crazy likes for how many people follow me. But I delete that shit after like 15 minutes so I don’t look desperate. You’re loco if you think I’m ever going to unironically use twenty hashtags in an effort to get more likes.
If someone is consistently commenting on their own photos with a barrage of hashtags, it just shows they’re looking for validation through likes and follows. Woof.
(P.S. I get validation through likes and follows, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.)
No one likes her photos.
If this girl isn’t hitting the standard 11 likes on Instagram, run for the hills. It’s 2015 and people are handing out likes they’re Halloween candy. She puts up a dog pic that only garners six likes? Run. She threw down a selfie with her mom at brunch that lingers around nine? You need to question whether or not she has a criminal record with numerous assault charges and/or has applied to be on Bad Girls Club.
Her likes are dude-heavy.
See: The Three Instagram Theory Of Relationships.
Let me sum it up for you: if this girl has a troop of guys constantly liking her photos, you need to be weary of the feeding frenzy. Sure, she could just have a lot of guy friends (red flag in itself, maybe), but there could also just be a bunch of dudes after her that either think they have a chance with her or have had a chance with her.
Either way, I’d prefer my prospective girlfriend to have that whole #squad mentality I criticized earlier. .
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Easy formula, all girls are crazy. However, any girl who says she isn’t crazy is bat shit insane.
“Lol I’m not crazy’
RUN
Don’t forget about the ones that mask their insanity with the following,: “I’m just very opinionated and passionate.” #helpme
Also if she says “No seriously there’s something wrong with me”, well it’s probably too late…
You can probably toss in the “VIP” girls at the clubs
If liking pics of 18y/o Australian “sponsored bikini model” surfer chicks is wrong, well….yeah, it is wrong, and I don’t care, I’d doing it anyways. #katie.mawson
W-w-w-w-wait. Out of all the Aussie Instagram models, you chose… her?
She’s near-identical to a chick I used to work with that DOESN’T post pics of herself in a bikini every day, so…yes.
Googling here just comes back with a textile factory in the UK.
Bro, do better
I dont hate it, but come on man. Instagram’s all about stalking the unobtainable.
I also follow Kate Upton and (don’t google her) Brooke Marks.
NSFW. PGP.
I had to Google what subtweet was and how to see the ‘Activity Tab’.PGP.
But…but I can’t ever get up to 11 likes. Why does that mean I am crazy? If they don’t like my #nationalblackcatday pic then they are the crazy ones.
My black cat day photos got 16 and 23 likes respectively. Good to know I’m sane.
That quick “high school volleyball stats” mention hit close to home. At least I know it’s not just me.
She posts food pics and raves about healthy living and proper diet but you already know she hounds booze and blows Coke on the weekends. Oh, and she also uses #blessed for menial and arbitrary things frequently.
“Traffic wasn’t terrible this morning #blessed”
“pumkin spice coffee #blessed”
Love gabbyebstein!!